Please Critique HOBY Leadership Seminar Short Essay

Pre-College Topics High School Life
1

<p>“In 75-100 words, please describe the most rewarding and challenging aspect of being a leader in your school and community.</p>

<p>I wrote: </p>

<p>Perhaps the most challenging aspect of being a leader is satisfying the different needs of my peers. As president of my sophomore class and an advocate of democracy, I work hard to ensure that I meet the majority of my class’ requests. I prioritize their opinions before my own convictions in times of ambivalence. Despite this challenge, being a leader offers a rewarding aspect: relationships. Establishing relationships is the foundation for any endeavors because it is a team effort. Such relationships instill richness and purpose in my life, and I enjoy sustaining a camaraderie with whom I work with. </p>

<p>Did I use "conviction" correctly? Please critique my essay. Thanks!</p>

2

<p>My rewrite:</p>

<p>The most challenging part of being a leader is satisfying the different needs of my peers. As president of the sophomore class and an advocate for small-scale democracy, I work hard to meet the majority of my classmates’ requests. In times of disagreement this can require prioritizing their views above my own, but the camaraderie I have with my classmates makes it worth it. The friendships I’ve made during my time as a leader have given my life richness and a certain sense of purpose it wouldn’t otherwise have.</p>

3

<p>That is so good. The cause and effect style really gets the message through effectively. Thank you so much for your input.</p>

4

<p>For future reference, I wouldn’t post essays online. People steal. If you want people to edit essays, at least try and do it over PM.</p>