Proof Read NHS ESSAY? please

<p>Can someone help me proofread and improve my essay?</p>

<p>thanks!</p>

<p>Currently, as a junior, I feel that the past three of high school have tremendously shaped my character. Arriving at the doorsteps of Manatee High School, I knew little of leadership, or service. To me, high school was and still is a journey. I've learned to give back to those who have helped me. Through various extracurricular activities, I've not only learned to be a team member, but a leader as well.<br>
I feel that I've developed leadership and service skills the most during high school. I think my biggest test for leadership was this summer, when I spent 4 days at Stanford University, attending a Youth Leadership Conference of Asian Public Health. There, we were put into teams to formulate a "fundraiser" for an Asian country, or in our case, Vietnam, to help promote HBV awareness. We were given $250,000 to start with, and had to plan our this fundraiser. We called companies, asking for donations, supplies and manpower. At this point, I realized that without organization, we weren't going to be able to accomplish anything. I took role, and assigned my team members different areas to call. In the end, our "fundraiser" won the competition for Vietnam, and our poster is going to be sent to the World Health Organization to be considered as a international campaign poster. This year, I took some initiative, and seize some opportunities to demonstrate my leadership capabilities. I became treasurer of HOSA (Health Organization Students of America), and became a member of Junior Leadership Manatee.
As a AP Plus student, I try to take the most challenging courses that appeal to me. I've been in the Medical Academy for all my high school career, as it is my dream to be an oncologist. I am highly competitive, and strive for the best. I try not to compete with other students, but rather compete with myself. If I get a B, I strive and push myself to get an A next quarter. I push myself to try harder, and get better grades. Taking mostly AP and honors classes, I've found myself faced with numerous struggles. I've found my self to become more organized, and a better time manager.<br>
I found that the extracurricular I am in shape me to become a better, well-rounded person. I've been volunteering at the hospital for the past three years now, and have accumulated more than 200 hours. In freshmen year, I volunteered at the local pre-school, and just recently, I've started volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. To me, its really not about getting hours. If it was, I have already surpassed the requirement to graduate, and would have stop. I love giving back to the community that has given me so much. I believe that volunteering at the hospital has made a better person. I've learned to be more patient with people, and more understanding. I've become sympathetic and nicer ( need a better word) towards the elderly. Being able to know that I have done my part to make Manatee better gives my conscience a rest.<br>
I do believe that I still have much more to learn and to experience. I would like to prove myself even further and surpass even my wildest dreams. I want to be a valuable member of manatee High School, and by joining the National Honor Society, I believe that I can further my skills, and further shape me character.</p>

<p>I thought it was really good, but you abused the word "I." I know you can't help it really, but it's there. Try more "my most satisfying blah blah" or "myself and others oblige to..." </p>

<p>Just my opinion. Sorry If I'm harsh.. Writing is one of my passions and I'm incredibly picky about it.</p>

<p>When you said "I love giving back to a community that has given me so much," include an example of your community reaching out to you, because otherwise it sounds kind of fake, unless you have.."proof..." if you will.</p>

<p>But overall I was impressed with how you stated the challenges you endure, and how they shape you into who you are. </p>

<p>Very nice.</p>

<p>haha, so true. I tend to do that. No worries, but rather a thanks for your help!</p>

<p>WishWash's advice is good, but DON'T say "Myself and others"!! That's grammatically incorrect. "Myself" is nottt in the nominative case. </p>

<p>I dunno what you can say instead of "nicer" -- maybe "kinder and more sympathetic"? It's kinda cliche-sounding, but it sounds alright. </p>

<p>Some small things:

[quote]
To me, its really not about getting hours. If it was, I have already surpassed the requirement to graduate, and would have stop.

[/quote]

...should be:

[quote]
To me, it*'s really not about getting hours. If it **were, I have already surpassed the requirement to graduate and would have stopped*.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>And there are a few other typos, like "me" instead of "my" in the last sentence and not capitalizing your school's name. </p>

<p>Great essay overall, and the things you do in your community are really admirable!!</p>

<p>lol @ "grammatical mistakes". Oh please...</p>

<p>I don't know why you're posting your personal essay on an internet forum (not because of "privacy", I don't believe in that unless you're one of those computer-illiterate people).</p>

<p>But whatever works for you. It looks like a good essay.</p>

<p>i did it because, i needed someone else's opinion on my essay. I dont see how why it's wrong for me post my essay up on a COLLEGE forum.</p>