Please critique my common app essay!!!!

<p>Years ago, my parents immigrated from China to Canada to start a new life full of opportunity. At the time of my birth, my parents were poor and my Dad was still a graduate student. Unable to support a child, my they decided that I would be raised by relatives back home, thus, I grew up in China living in a cozy, little apartment with my Grandma. Although I didn't see my parents often, my childhood was nevertheless joyous because of the close bond between me and my Grandma. Her nurture and love helped to shape me into the confident and consciencious person I am today.</p>

<p>My Grandma endured a very trying life. Not only did she have to raise three daughters, but she had to do it in Communist China during the Cultural Revolution. She took me in with open arms, despite the fact that she had already spent the majority of her adult life being a parent. She wasn't a rich woman, but she took every opportunity to spoil me. Instead of using her hard - earned money to enjoy her retirement, my Grandma would buy me stuffed animals and sweets. She would even order expensive cakes from fancy hotels for every one of my birthdays. Money was of no value to my Grandma, the only thing that mattered to her was the smile on my face. Her constant love and attention gave me confidence and independance, because I knew I could always turn to her during rough times. I loved every second we spent together, whether it was our shopping trips to the local market, or our metrobus rides to school. She cuddled and snuggled me everyday because she knew our time together was short. My parents were doing very well in Canada, and it was inevitable that I would be living with them eventually. A few days after I turned five, I got on a plane and said goodbye to the person who had given me everything. When I left China, I not only lost my address, but also a piece of my heart.</p>

<p>Normally, moving to a new country would be difficult. Besides having to learn a new language, you also have to adjust to a new culture. I felt alone and isolated because all the other kids were so different from me. I always seemed to stand out because I wore different clothes and packed a different lunch. It scared me that I could a pariah and an outcast for the rest of my schooldays. Fortunately, my Grandma's affectionate parenting had given me qualities that helped me to gradually assimilate with Canadians. My charm, my determination, and my audacity ( all acquired from my Grandma), gave me a social life and a chance to succeed in my new environment. Today, I am a member of my school's student council, co-captain of the math team, assistant captain of the rugby team and one of my school's top academic students. All these achievements are the by-product of my Grandma's devotion to me.</p>

<p>My Grandma is nearing the end of her life. Her deteriorating verbal abilities have made it difficult to communicate with her, however, I still enjoy to talking with her on the phone. Even though I don't understand the meaning of her words, I still feel comforted by the sound of her voice. Her presence motivates me to do my best and her love condoles me in trying times. I feel obligated to do important things in the my lifetime, so I can honor the legacy of my wonderful Grandma.</p>

<p>bump bump bump...</p>

<p>Intro:

[quote]
my they decided that I would be raised by relatives back home

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Body:

[quote]
Not only did she have to raise three daughters, but she had to do it in

[/quote]

Not only, but also.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Instead of using her hard - earned money

[/quote]

spaces aren't needed between hard and earned. use hard-earned.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Money was of no value to my Grandma, the only thing that mattered to her was the smile on my face.

[/quote]

comma splice. use a semicolon.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Besides having to learn a new language, you also have to adjust to a new culture.

[/quote]

be personal, use I instead of you.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Fortunately, my Grandma's affectionate parenting had given me qualities that helped me to gradually assimilate with Canadians.

[/quote]

they have given you the qualities. the qualities didn't go away, did they? :P</p>

<p>Conclusion: </p>

<h2>your conclusion is pretty strong</h2>

<p>Overall, your essay is strong, but it doesn't say much about you. The stories of your grandma are overtaking your essay. Remember this essay is about you, not your grandma.</p>

<p>good luck :]</p>

<p>Thank you so much for the help!!!</p>

<p>Don't post your essay for all to see...
Someone could steal it. PM it to people.</p>