Please critique my essay and help me shave it down by 32 words.

College Essays
1

<p>My most powerful thinking is done on staircases. I don’t know exactly why, but to me, staircases are like elevators to a higher level of thought. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people in this world – those who make the world their trashcan, and those who make the trashcan their world. I’m a member of the latter. </p>

<p>Many days, I am wakened by the crackle of an empty potato chip bag, crinkling in the wind on the driveway outside my open window. Somebody left it there. No. Somebody dropped it and it found its way to my yard.</p>

<p>That piece of litter was hers. Her chips were in that bag, and now it’s empty. She’s left someone else responsible for that bag. That is, someone else has to deal with her past, her mistakes.</p>

<p>The world is her trashcan.</p>

<p>I begin each day in pretty much the same way. I roll out of bed reluctantly; it’s always cold. I brush my teeth, crack my knees, slip into some pants, throw on a shirt, and prepare to face the world. I prepare to clean other peoples’ garbage.</p>

<p>My best friend Conor is usually my ride to school, but for some odd reason, he didn’t pick me up this morning. I’m late for the first day of school. I pass him in the hallway and reach out for a quick handshake. He walks right by me. Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong? I must have. I shrug it off and make my way to Room 223 – my new English classroom. I knocked for at least four minutes before Mrs. Berkshire angrily swung the door openr for me. I don’t think she ever liked me. Oh well. I go to my volleyball game; Coach Henderson benches me. Sheesh! Could this day have gotten any worse?</p>

<p>I’ll be honest. I used to constantly dwell on days like this, swearing that I was the root of all trouble. It took a few flights of stairs before I was able to consider another possibility:</p>

<p>Perhaps everything wasn’t my fault. What if I really hadn’t done anything wrong? Turns out that was the case. </p>

<p>You see, Conor wasn’t upset or disgusted with me, but at his parents finalizing their divorce last night, and that he would no longer be living with his father. And Mrs. Berkshire? Her daughter is in critical condition, fighting for her life, due to a car accident she was involved in just two evenings ago. What about Coach Henderson? He’s always crazy.</p>

<p>It’s all beginning to make sense to me now. They’ve all taken their anger and grievances out on me. They’ve included me in their problems. </p>

<p>They left their empty bags of chips in my driveway for me to deal with.</p>

<p>But hey, what can I do? That’s life. We’re all destined to deal with someone’s empty bag of chips someday. One day, I’ll leave mine somewhere; but until then, I’ll continue to use others’ trash as my wake up call each day.</p>

2

<p>Seems a bit trite. Try and make it more personal! Focus on you.</p>

3

<p>:o That’s surprising! I tried exceptionally hard to make this essay as personal as I could.</p>

4

<p>The test for if your essay is personal is if someone from your school picked it up on the ground, could they tell who wrote it? It seems like this essay could be anyone’s; it’s not specific to you.</p>

5

<p>Ah, I see. Thanks.</p>

6

<p>I personally don’t like this essay - it shows me nothing about good writing, and nothing interesting about you as a person- we all realize that we can’t control people and people will have bad days; how did you help improve their lives? How did it really improve yours? Etc.</p>

7

<p>Oh darn. Thanks Dapi. :(</p>

8

<p>dapi w tf? I too dislke the essay (due to a reason I messaged him about), but i do think he has strong writing. I doubt you know much about writing.</p>

<p>Take a look at this passage for example: " Many days, I am wakened by the crackle of an empty potato chip bag, crinkling in the wind on the driveway outside my open window. Somebody left it there. No. Somebody dropped it and it found its way to my yard."</p>

<p>this passage has nice flow. he starts off with a pretty long sentence, then abruptly stops with a shorter sentence and then a one word sentence. Usually one word sentences are bad but in creative writing it is fine. My professor was actually teaching these techniques.</p>

9

<p>It looks great, but it seems like a copy of the “I do my best thinking on the toilet essay”. Just my $.02</p>

10

<p>I suggest you pick up the book elements of style. I do know a thing or two about writing. I wrote a good enough sop to get into Stanford and harvard with mediocre numbers. But hey, if you like it OP, then go with it. I just gave 1 opinion. Good luck.</p>

11

<p>OP, I think you demonstrate a pretty high level of writing in comparison to other high school students. I like the timing of certain lines and other stylistic choices(paragraph length, sentence length variation). You are a great story teller. Unfortunately, the message you are trying to convey here is not something essay readers want to hear. All I got from your essay was that 1. you feel superior towards others 2. you feel burdened by the inability of other people to make the trashcan their world. You need to convey a good message about yourself. Good luck revising!!</p>

12

<p>So guys…</p>

<p>I had the opportunity to show my essay to 6 different admissions officers. They all loved it. The only problem one of them had was with the fact that I called Coach Henderson “crazy”. The officer said that adults may find that offensive. They all said I demonstrated great style, prose, and control over the language. I told them that my essay was 32 words over 500, and they said it’s okay. One of them even said that I managed to “fool the reader” into feeling that it was far less than 500 words.</p>

<p>Very different from the feedback I got from here. Thanks again everyone.</p>

13

<p>I like it!</p>