<p>Being an only child from a Filipino-Spanish family, I had everything in life that I could ever wish for—except a happy, complete family. For the greater part of my life, it was just my mother and I. My father died months before I was born, leaving my mother as the sole provider. My mother worked tirelessly to support me, and though her time was limited, she always made time to be the caring and supportive mother that I have always appreciated and loved. When I was five years old, I remember she brought me to her work so I could see her and somehow to have an idea on how she negotiates with clients. She always pushed me to the limit in everyday situations, and emphasized the importance of education, where I almost gave up because of the lack of money. I know that I have grown up to be a disciplined and an independent young man, and having been raised this way helped me see that giving up should not be an option and will never get me anything worth having in life. I know that education is the only thing that I will always hold on to and will never be stolen—it is just a prerequisite for success.
Three years ago, my family and I moved from the Philippines to the United States following my mother’s marriage. Though it was difficult at the beginning, I managed to adjust to this new environment; it felt like starting all over. Although I had taken advantage of the educational offerings in the Philippines and learned English prior to coming to the United States, I was hesitant to use the language. However, the different leadership roles that I have participated in through clubs and organizations have shaped me into a greater man and made me realize that language is powerful and that it is one of the keys to success.
As a child, curiosity has always been the base of my knowledge—I loved disassembling my playthings to see how manufacturers constructed them and how they worked. When my curiosity was satisfied, I equally enjoyed reassembling them back to their original design. I have always tried to go beyond usual and explore things I am interested in.
My passion and talent for math and art have contributed to my aspirations of becoming an architect or civil engineer. I find the work of architects and engineers fascinating because they make a relatively permanent and lasting product that we can see and touch, not only do they put complex ideas and innovate designs on paper or computer, but they also get to build them—for example: Eiffel tower, Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, and all the high standing buildings in Dubai. I am determined to learn more how buildings are being built; I want to help make a better world. I know that we can make a change and explore things beyond the future. I do believe that all the possibilities that lie ahead shouldn't be imagined, but it should be done.
One of my biggest accomplishments is having advanced a grade higher at school in United States and graduating a year earlier than typical senior students. I remember how hard it was to study back in the Philippines—there were every day quizzes, weekly tests, and we had four quarters which meant having four finals. I am proud that I am graduating a year earlier because I know that having this experience is a unique opportunity for me to do more, to show what I am capable of.
Although asthma has limited my ability to be involved in sports, I have still participated in a lot of extracurricular activities. To help myself become a part of my new high school, I joined different clubs and programs, which have already helped me to become a well-rounded student. I am the Co-President of both Ecology Club, and Society of Hispanic Professional Engineers (SHPE) Junior Club at my school. I am also a member of American Chemical Society which is a scientific society based in the United States that supports scientific inquiry in the field of chemistry, and Key Club which involves community services. I do believe that these clubs and programs have already extended my knowledge on how best to conserve, and analyze how an engineer innovate solutions for global climate change. I also joined ACE (Architecture Construction Engineering) which, certainly, already helped me understand the work of architects and engineers. My active membership has expanded my point of view and I have been given many perspectives on what engineers do—I do have a better idea of what I would like to focus on with engineering. Through these groups, which focused on my career choice, I have realized that engineers need vivid imaginations in order to create things that will help shape the future. In engineering, there is always something to do, something to improve and ideas to explore—there is no limit—and that is why I am determined to continue in this field.
I am an ambitious, hard-working and challenge orientated individual who is eager to fulfill a lifelong desire to become a qualified architect or civil engineer. I do believe that graduating at a young age and then start working, in the long run, is the best thing to do. I am excited to begin on my college education, and I look forward to the many opportunities that are ahead. Education will be the pathway to a successful future.</p>
<p>There aren’t any major grammatical errors that I can see, if anything I’d tone down the usage of hyphens a little (I used hyphens a lot too in my PS and got banged for it from my teacher, lol) ex:
“… but they also get to build them—for example: Eiffel tower, Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, and all the high standing buildings in Dubai.”
That would probably work better with less examples. It should be “the Eiffel Tower”, no just Eiffel Tower, and that example alone gets your point across. You can keep the others if you want, I’d get rid of the high rise buildings in Dubai unless you know their specific names (makes it sound like you’ve done your research), and you don’t need to specify where the Golden Gate Bridge is, haha.</p>
<p>One other nitpicky thing- your last sentence is a very broad generalization (that the readers already know and don’t need to read). You can keep it there but ending the essay on a statement that says something about yourself usually helps differentiate you from the crowd. End with something that connects you to the bigger picture, perhaps? I can’t think of an example off the top of my head right now…</p>
<p>Also, is this both your personal statements combined, or just one? It seems like one large one…</p>
<p>It’s for both. I’ll edit it tomorrow. Thanks. :D</p>
<p>Hi Quiyet! Your friend, starstruck , was right when she said ‘there are no major grammatical errors’ in your essay. But here are some minor corrections/suggestions you could use:</p>
<p>-use a period(.) in place of the hyphens you used in the ff. sentences: last sentence-1st paragraph, 1st sen-3rd par, 2nd sen-4th par, and 7th sen-5th par;</p>
<p>-remove the word ‘just’ (last sen-1st par);</p>
<p>-write ‘mathematics’ in place of ‘math’;</p>
<p>-remove : after ‘example’, then use article ‘the’ before both Eiffel Tower and Golden Gate Bridge, and why not write ‘the Burj Khalifa in Dubai’ instead of ‘all the high rise buildings in Dubai’;</p>
<p>-write ‘quarterly tests’ instead of ‘quarters’ to make the ideas parallel in your sentence; </p>
<p>-another suggestion - “In engineering, there is…explore. There is no limit with what one can do. This is why…field.” to make your point stronger;</p>
<p>-use ‘the’ before all the names/titles of all the clubs/orgs you mentioned;</p>
<p>-write ‘oriented’ instead of ‘orientated’, although am sure this is just typographical on your part;</p>
<p>-you can make your last statement a little more personal by saying, “Pursuing my college education in your university will definitely be my pathway to a successful future.”</p>
<p>I am amazed at how well you express yourself. Am pretty sure you’ll reach your goals, am getting cliche here…Am so very proud of you…I’ll include you in my prayers…Good luck!</p>