Please go ahead an criticize!!! ESSAY, please read!!!!

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>Hi guys!!
The prompt for this essay was: (University of Washington Seattle/ DePaul University)
What intrigues you - What influences you.
B. Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
You may define experience broadly. For example, in option B, experience could be a meeting with an influential person, a news story that spurred you to action, a family event, or something that might be insignificant to someone else that had particular meaning for you. If you don’t think that any one experience shaped your character, don’t worry. Simply choose an experience that tells us something about you.</p>

<p>This is my essay, please help me out here! My first draft so not sure I´ll keep it....
Thank you!!!!</p>

<p>It is an ordinary, hectic morning in Washington DC. People are scurrying through the Metro station, dressed up fancy, checking their watches and worrying about getting to work on time. In the corner of the entrance hall a man wearing a baseball cap is cautiously unpacking his violin. Without further announcement he starts playing. For 45 minutes the man performs so passionately and veracious but yet reserved you could believe J.S. Bach himself is standing in front of you. Despite his touching efforts to please the audience no one seems to notice. Finally he sets down his violin and exits the metro with a total of 32$.
Nobody knew the man was Joshua Bell, a globally lauded artist who had just performed on a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.</p>

<p>When I first read this article I was shocked. This story affected me very deeply. In fact so deep that it has haunted me for the past couple of weeks. I just couldn’t believe our society has transformed so fatal that none of the people walking by the musician even had a second to savor the moment or appreciate the artist’s work. During that time it was rush hour, so thousands of people went through the station, the majority on their way to work. But none of them stopped to enjoy the music. There were a few who did tip the violinist, but continued their walking without stoppage. The one who payed the most attention was a 3 year old boy, who’s mother however quickly pressured him to keep moving. Reading about this tragedy made me ponder why no one has the time or the need to be captivated by a mundane but yet dazzling performance. I believe that nowadays our society is so focused on success, progress and their wellbeing in the future that most of them forget to live in the here and now. Worries about our job, family and health sometimes absorb far too much of our already restricted time and thus aggravate it for us to appreciate the small things in life (such as a busker). I am still perplexed by how influenceable people are due to the fact that they are willing to spend up to 100$ on a concert ticket to hear Joshua Bell live in a fancy Auditorium but don’t even recognize the same music, much less the artist when he performs in a sordid metro station. No matter where you go the world is filled with prejudices. Today having an acquainted name means, as a fan, paying more for a ticket or, on behalf of the celebrity, having more followers on twitter. People press the “like” button on facebook because the vast majority shares the same opinion but perhaps not for their own liking. The people passing through the metro station should have acknowledged the music neither for the artist nor the fuss concerning it but for the music’s sake.
Even though this report I stumbled upon was already published 2009 it’s impact on me has been of great significance. I know it is impossible to be aware of every detail going on in one’s/my life but I at least want to try to be candid and grateful and keep my eyes open for the things we might be missing.</p>

<p>Thanks,
xoxo
Claire</p>

2

<p>I feel as if youre trying too hard to tell the story. Is it a “tragedy”? Did someone die??..I think you can still write more to reveal your character and WHO YOU ARE. Because the colleges do want to know who you are. From reading what you wrote basically the moral I got was that you appreciate the things/little things in life. But what about Joshua Bell that made you who you are? or how has that experience shaped you as a person? Idk to me it was more about you telling the story then telling yourself in the story and kind of your point of view of society?</p>

3

<p>Washington, DC
dressed up fancily
veraciously (but really the word choice is strange)
not ‘but yet’; just ‘yet’
to please the audience, no
$32
the Metro
in fact, it affected me so deeply
so fatally (word choice)
3-year-old
whose mother, however,
consider replacing tragedy with travesty
replace their wellbeing with “personal well-being”
jobs, families and
aggravate it too much (?)
$100</p>

<p>But you should probably write about something else entirely; this comes off as alarmist and doesn’t really relate enough about who you are.</p>

4

<p>^^^^I agree, It doesn’t tell or explain anything about who you are, write it over and start from scratch.</p>