please grade my essay 1-9. Ap world history dbq

Test Preparation AP Test Preparation
1

<p>prompt-analyze african actions and reactions in the response for the European Scramble for Africa.</p>

<p>documents can be viewed here if necessary-<a href="http://apcentral.collegeboard.com/apc/public/repository/ap09_frq_world_history.pdf"&gt;http://apcentral.collegeboard.com/apc/public/repository/ap09_frq_world_history.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Can you grade my essay on a scale on 1-9
please use the ap rubric
this was written under testing conditions</p>

<p>Thanks for Helping!</p>

<p>Thorughout history, many people respond different ways to different things for different reasons. Often times, when change is forced on a group of people they do not look kindly upon it. This would be the case for what the World considers the Scramble for Africa. According to the documents given, European powers gave the illusion of choice to the people and then backed that up with bullets when they resisted. In response the the European Colonization of Africa, the Native people feared the social problems that would face them along with the fear of foreign rule. This caused them to rely heavily on their religious faith and the belief that dying in battle would be better than becoming slaves. Due to the matriarchal set up of African Tribes, women had a larger role in determining their course of action than women in other European Countires had. </p>

<p>According to Document 1 (The Standard form signed by many African Rulers by The Royal Niger Company) and Document 2 (Ashanti Leader's response to a British Official) discuss how the British give the illusion that African Nations have a choice in this matter. After all, the British offer a contract to be signed by African Leaders which implies that Leaders may choose to accept or decline. After being presented with this dilema, most African Nations such as the Ashanti wished to remain independent and to preserve their relations with Europe.The African's felt like they were in control of their own fate due to the false illusion of free choice.The British obviously anticipated this resistance as they later used warfare to control Africa by force. </p>

<p>Accordint to Document 3 (Letter to Europe from the Leader of Ethiopia) and Document 8 (Account of the Maji Maji Rebellion in Germany from a German Officer) explain the role of religion in The Colonization of Africa. Due to the Berlin Conference, the Continent of Africa was being divided. Many felt like they had been saved in previous crises as a result of their god's doing. African Nations believed that they maintained their independence by being protected from the God's and felt invincible against European bullets. This could be attributed to one of the reasons why the African's chose to fight in the face of an almost certain death. Also the Ethiopian victory (doc. 5) gave African's a sense of hope in their quest to remain independent. The German's also used the religious practice of the African tribes as propaganda to motivate soldiers. Many military personnel believed that the African's strength of faith came from a form of voodoo or a spiritual water. This document is biased because the Germans were exploiting the practices of the African religions for their own purpose and self benefit.</p>

<p>According to Document 4 (by an African Veteran), Document 6 (Speech to Chiefs by the Queen Ashanti), Document 7 (letter to another African Leader by Samuel Maherero and Document 9 (African leaders response to a German Catholic Missionary). All of these documents depict the oppressive use of force on African Natives which sparked an African Rebellion. After African tribes turned down contracts, British stopped pretending to be nice and used guns on the people. Many people fought back in fear that they would be treated like slaves if colonized by Europe. Unlike trends accross the world during this time period, women convinced many male leaders that it would be almost dishonerable to let their King be taken without firing a single bullet. This was mainly due to the Matriarchal structure of Society that was formed in early African Societies. Bias is also prevalent in these documents also due to the fact that African's were crying out for help and were only using the facts that would support their cause. </p>

<p>African Nations responded to colonization efforts by holding on to their religious beliefs and through militaristic resistance. Many African Natives motivated themselves to fight by thinking that the only alternative would be slavery. Later in History, the dividing up of Africa during the Berlin Conference divided up many ethnic groups which would cause perpetual violance in Africa. Also European exploitation of resources left Africa dependant on European powers, very similar to Latin American and South American Countries. An additional document that would have been helpful is a response from African merchants that detailed the possible economic consequences of European Colonization. </p>

<p>please include the grade you would give in your response</p>

2

<p>after i skimmed it quickly, id give you a 6</p>

<p>PROS
interesting essay
reference to outside info and conclusion brings up historic parallel</p>

<p>CONS
didnt really analyze the documents to its full extent
combining two or three documents into one sentence is always a bad idea
no transitions and “According to Document X” gets kinda boring :stuck_out_tongue:
didnt quote specific documents, just listed</p>

<p>DISCLAIMER: please dont flame me if my judging sucks, i just read this cuz i was bored haha – good luck on ur AP</p>

3

<p>Hey. I took AP World last year and got D’s on all of my DBQs. I even took this DBQ and got a D on it. This year, however, I’m in AP US and I get perfect scores nearly always. I’ll try to help you improve too. Even order to truly improve. You have to take this DBQ and revise it once I’m do. This will help you practice. I’m editing it now.</p>

4

<p>Intro paragraph: </p>

<p>“Throughout history, many people [have] respond different ways to different things for different reasons. Often times, when change is forced on a group of people they do not look kindly upon it.”</p>

<p>While you do have an attention getter, it is weak. For attention getters, I like use a quick simile, metaphor, or some rhetorical device that relates any basic (obvious) background info I know on the subject. For example in one of my DBQ’s this year, I started: “The battle began with Americans fighting the Spanish oppressors of Cuba, and it continued back home with imperialists facing off with the anti-imperialists.” Another one about the stock market crash: “With the great stock market crash of October 1929 came the screeching halt of the golden twenties. Banks closed, businesses packed up, and the economy headed south.” See? Not much, but it’s interesting enough to draw in your grader, who will have read soooo many essays on the same thing at this point that he/she will love something less “dry”. You’re pressed for time, so if you can’t come up with some kind of attention getter, I would say skip it entirely. </p>

<p>“This would be the case for what the World considers the Scramble for Africa. According to the documents given, European powers gave the illusion of choice to the people and then backed that up with bullets when they resisted. In response the the European Colonization of Africa, the Native people feared the social problems that would face them along with the fear of foreign rule. This caused them to rely heavily on their religious faith and the belief that dying in battle would be better than becoming slaves. Due to the matriarchal set up of African Tribes, women had a larger role in determining their course of action than women in other European Countires had.”</p>

<p>This is your thesis statement I presume, “In response the the European Colonization of Africa, the Native people feared the social problems that would face them along with the fear of foreign rule. This caused them to rely heavily on their religious faith and the belief that dying in battle would be better than becoming slaves.” Who is “them”? Are you referring to the “Natives” of Europe or Africa? You need to be more specific. And this sentence seems really random, “Due to the matriarchal set up of African Tribes, women had a larger role in determining their course of action than women in other European Countires had.” I know that it relates to one of the documents (Doc 2), but the roles of African women vs. the role of European women is irrelevant to the question.</p>

5

<p>My APUSH teacher always told me never to use documents in the introduction. Also, there’s no need to give an introduction about each document because the graders know what they are about (so you might save some time?).</p>

<p>Overall, I didn’t think it was a bad essay.</p>

6

<p>can you give me a score please?</p>

7

<p>Body paragraph 1:</p>

<p>“According to Document 1 (The Standard form signed by many African Rulers by The Royal Niger Company) and Document 2 (Ashanti Leader’s response to a British Official) discuss how the British give the illusion that African Nations have a choice in this matter. After all, the British offer a contract to be signed by African Leaders which implies that Leaders may choose to accept or decline. After being presented with this dilema, most African Nations such as the Ashanti wished to remain independent and to preserve their relations with Europe.The African’s felt like they were in control of their own fate due to the false illusion of free choice.The British obviously anticipated this resistance as they later used warfare to control Africa by force.”</p>

<p>Suggestion: make sure that you use the correct tense. The events in this paragraph should be in the past (I doubt you would lose points for that though). It is completely unnecessary to refer to the Document twice, i.e. Document 1 (The Standard…). This is a time waster. Use either or, but never both to refer to one document. What “matter” are you referring to. You switched paragraphs and I have forgotten the matter at hand.</p>

<p>Body paragraph 2: </p>

<p>“According to Document 3 (Letter to Europe from the Leader of Ethiopia) and Document 8 (Account of the Maji Maji Rebellion in Germany from a German Officer) explain the role of religion in The Colonization of Africa. Due to the Berlin Conference, the Continent of Africa was being divided. Many felt like they had been saved in previous crises as a result of their god’s doing. African Nations believed that they maintained their independence by being protected from the God’s and felt invincible against European bullets. This could be attributed to one of the reasons why the African’s chose to fight in the face of an almost certain death. Also the Ethiopian victory <a href=“doc.%205”>b</a>** gave African’s a sense of hope in their quest to remain independent. The German’s also used the religious practice of the African tribes as propaganda to motivate soldiers. Many military personnel believed that the African’s strength of faith came from a form of voodoo or a spiritual water. This document is biased because the Germans were exploiting the practices of the African religions for their own purpose and self benefit.”</p>

<p>At this point, your reader is bored with your use of “according to…”. Transitions are tricky. You may be able to get away with using them twice in the same essay but NEVER one after another. The way you said “Also the Ethiopian victory (doc. 5)…” is the proper way to site documents within the paragraph so good job. This body paragraph is pretty nice. I can clearly see that you are saying that religion influenced how the Africans reacted.</p>

8

<p>Body paragraph 3:</p>

<p>“According to Document 4 (by an African Veteran), Document 6 (Speech to Chiefs by the Queen Ashanti), Document 7 (letter to another African Leader by Samuel Maherero and Document 9 (African leaders response to a German Catholic Missionary). All of these documents depict the oppressive use of force on African Natives which sparked an African Rebellion. After African tribes turned down contracts, British stopped pretending to be nice and used guns on the people. Many people fought back in fear that they would be treated like slaves if colonized by Europe. Unlike trends accross the world during this time period, women convinced many male leaders that it would be almost dishonerable to let their King be taken without firing a single bullet. This was mainly due to the Matriarchal structure of Society that was formed in early African Societies. Bias is also prevalent in these documents also due to the fact that African’s were crying out for help and were only using the facts that would support their cause.” </p>

<p>The first sentence is not a complete sentence.</p>

<p>Conclusion:</p>

<p>“African Nations responded to colonization efforts by holding on to their religious beliefs and through militaristic resistance. Many African Natives motivated themselves to fight by thinking that the only alternative would be slavery. Later in History, the dividing up of Africa during the Berlin Conference divided up many ethnic groups which would cause perpetual violance in Africa. Also European exploitation of resources left Africa dependant on European powers, very similar to Latin American and South American Countries. An additional document that would have been helpful is a response from African merchants that detailed the possible economic consequences of European Colonization.”</p>

<p>You established how the Africans responded to the European colonization of African from a religious, military, and religious stand point (although you did not state this one in your conclusion!). And you made a nice suggestion for a supplementary document that would add economics into your evaluation. Good use of outside in the conclusion, but it would have been better had you spread outside information like this into your body paragraphs. I’ll score it now.</p>

9

<p>thanks you so much for helping me over the past half hour. after you score the dbq can you score my change over time.</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/ap-tests-preparation/927304-can-someone-grade-my-practice-ap-change-over-time-essay.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/ap-tests-preparation/927304-can-someone-grade-my-practice-ap-change-over-time-essay.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>just score it 1-9 don’t worry about detailed revisions </p>

<p>thanks!</p>

10

<p>Score Out of 9 possible points:</p>

<p>Anything you need a little work on is in bold. </p>

<p>Has acceptable thesis. <a href=“+1%20Point”>b</a>**
• The thesis must address at least two specific African responses to imperialism in
a plausible fashion using evidence from the documents.
• The thesis must be explicitly stated in the introduction or in the specified conclusion
of the essay. (You need to be more specific. No more “them” in thesis statements ever).
• The thesis may appear as one sentence or as multiple contiguous sentences.
• A thesis that is split among multiple paragraphs is unacceptable.
• A thesis that merely restates the prompt is unacceptable.
• The thesis CANNOT count as a point for meaning, evidence, or grouping.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Understands the basic meaning of the documents. <a href=“+0%20Points”>b</a><a href=“May%20misinterpret%20one%20document.”>/b</a>
• Students must address all nine
• Students must demonstrate understanding of the basic meaning of of the documents.
at least eight
documents.
**• Restating or quoting the content of the documents separately does not demonstrate
an adequate understanding of meaning. (While I feel you had understood the documents, you had too much paraphrasing. And grouping 3 documents in the topic sentence of a paragraph and then never referring to them separately is not acceptable) </p></li>
<li><p>Supports thesis with appropriate evidence from all or all but one document. <a href=“+%201%20Points”>b</a></p></li>
</ol>

<p>For 2 points:
• Specific and accurate evidence of an African response to imperialism must be
explicitly drawn from a minimum of eight
• A document that is simply listed cannot count as evidence. documents.
For 1 point:
• Specific and accurate evidence of an African response to imperialism must be explicitly
drawn from a minimum of seven
• A document that is simply listed cannot count as evidence.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Analyzes point of view in at least two documents. <a href=“+1%20Point”>b</a>**
• Students must correctly analyze point of view in at least two
o Point of view explains why this particular person might have this particular documents.
opinion or what particular feature informs the person’s point of view.
o Students must move beyond mere description by considering and explaining the
tone, the characteristics of the author, the intended audience, and/or how the
intended outcome may have influenced the author’s opinion.
o Students may challenge the veracity of the author’s opinion or point of view but
must move beyond a mere statement of “bias” by providing some plausible analysis.</p></li>
<li><p>Analyzes documents by grouping them in two ways. <a href=“+1%20Point”>b</a>**
• Students must explicitly and correctly group the documents in two ways
• A minimum of two documents (used appropriately) constitutes a group or subgroup. .
• Groupings must coherently address African responses to imperialism. </p></li>
<li><p>Identifies and explains the need for one type of appropriate additional
document or source. <a href=“+0%20Point”>b</a>**
• Students must identify an appropriate additional document or source and explain
how it will contribute to the analysis of African responses to imperialism. (You were so close. You suggested a document that would make sense, but you did not explain how it would help you.)</p></li>
</ol>

<p>EXPANDED CORE (excellence) 0–2 Points <a href=“+%200%20points”>b</a>**
Expands beyond basic core of 1–7 points. A student must earn 7 points in the basic core
area before earning points in the expanded core area.</p>

<p>Examples:
• Provides more than two clear responses.
• Has a clear, analytical, and comprehensive thesis.
o Goes well beyond the minimally acceptable thesis.
• Shows careful and insightful analysis of the documents.
o Recognizes the historical context of the documents.
o Analyzes all nine documents.
o Explains corroboration and links between documents.
• Uses documents persuasively as evidence.
• Analyzes point of view in most or all documents.
o Provides thoughtful analysis of the authors’ backgrounds, intended audiences,
tones, or historical contexts.
• Includes groupings beyond the two required.
• Brings in accurate “outside” historical content. (You do this, but you have to spread it throughout your essay.)</p>

<p>** I give you a 4/9**</p>

11

<p>Never say “according to Document…” in any of your essays. Simply state what you want to say, followed by (Document A/B/etc.). Also, use topic sentences. Do not start your body paragraphs with evidence!</p>

12

<p>Tips for you this Thursday:</p>

<p>-You lost 1 whole point really easily by not saying WHY you chose your supplementary document.
-You lost another point because you did not list the documents actively as you went. By actively I mean how you did so nicely in paragraph 3 when you wrote, “Also the Ethiopian victory (doc. 5)”
-Start each body paragraph with a sentence relating to what you’re going to talk about, like one about the religious response, military response, etc.
-You had nice background info and seemed to know about your subject, but you did not spread that knowledge throughout your essay. Had you examined and grouped all documents (you did), talked about how they related to the African response (you did), AND related those responses to outside info (you did not) I would have been so impressed that I would have given you 1 point extra point in the “expanded core” section. You seem smart enough to do that. </p>

<p>Fix these before Thursday and you could easily pull a 7/9.</p>

13

<p>bit short but decent
I say 5/6 out of 9</p>

14

<p>my history world history ap teacher would give it a 1. Instead of saying “according to document 1” actually mention the author of the document or whoever wrote it. Because technically documents can’t think so how can it be “according to document.”</p>