Please Grade My Essay and I Will Do The Same For You

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hey guys, If you would please grade my essay, I would really appreciate and in return I will grade yours if you would like. Thanks!</p>

<p>This is in the first test of the blue book.
Prompt: Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?</p>

<p>Challenging the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority is vital in the development of new ideas towards social progress. Several examples from history clearly demonstrate that making inquiry of the ideas and actions of those of authority is a basis for advancing society.</p>

<p>Through the actions of journalist Bethany McLean, the Enron Scandal began to unfold as a complete fraud. McLean’s 2001 Fortune article, “Is Enron Overpriced?”, began to raise more suspicion over the company’s means of income as McLean explained that Enron was trading 55 times its earnings and once viewing the company’s most recent 10-K report, she noticed “strange transactions”, “erratic cash flow”, and “huge debt”. Before publishing her findings, she discussed the matter with Jeff Skillings, then CEO of Enron, who scolded her for not researching properly. Richard Grubman, an analyst, also stated that Enron was “the only financial institution that can’t produce a balance sheet or cash flow statement with their earnings”. Months later, Skillings resigned as CEO, shocking the nation, as it was out of the blue and although he claimed it as for personal reasons, it was noted that he sold nearly 450,000 shares prior to his exit. A later article by John Emshwiller and Rebecca Smith revealed that Andy Fastow, then Chief Financial Advisor, created limited partnerships controlled by Enron that hid the company’s massive debt. This launched a U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission investigation that later expanded into a formal investigation of Enron Corporation. Therefore, Bethany McLean’s actions prove that questioning the ideas and actions of those of authority is essential in social progress.</p>

<p>As demonstrated by the Stock Market Crash of 1929 and Great Depression that followed, as the general American public suffered, so did their disapproval of then President Herbert Hoover. President Hoover supported laissez-faire economic policies, which meant that during the Great Depression, the government would not interfere. Hoover also believed that the economy would fix itself. Although he implemented the Reconstruction Finance Corporation, which gave out loans to businesses affected, the general public felt Hoover wasn’t doing enough to directly help the poor and that he didn’t fully understand the damage the crash had inflicted. Disapproval rates grew so high that the homeless built shacks all over the nation, calling them “Hoovervilles”, in mockery of President Hoover. The disapproval rate eventually led to Hoover losing the 1932 presidential election against Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Roosevelt was more favorable mainly due to the fact that he believed in a more hands-on approach to resolving the Great Depression, such as his implementation of the New Deal program. Hence, the general American public’s reactions towards President Hoover’s actions prove that challenging the ideas and decisions of those of authority is essential towards advancing society.</p>

<p>As shown by Steven Jobs, being fired from Apple, his own company, “was the best thing that could have ever happened” to him. The Apple board believed that Jobs at 23 was too young with too little experience to be CEO of Apple, so Jobs appointed John Scully. Jobs worked towards not just selling a product, but towards changing the world through his products. However, over time, Apple chairman Jobs’ project ventures brought in disappointing sales and complaints by workers called him a demanding perfectionist, both issues straining the business relationship between Jobs and Sculley. This led to the Apple board siding with Sculley in firing Jobs. Jobs went on to find NeXT Inc. and create the NeXT computer that ultimately was too expensive for consumers, but the software was invaluable, especially for Jobs’ return to Apple. If Jobs wasn’t fired from Apple, there would have never been the Mac OS, which evolved from the NeXT computer’s operating system, and Jobs would have never bought Pixar and worked with Disney to create the world’s first feature-length CGI animated film, Toy Story. Thus, Apple’s actions prove that questioning the ideas and decisions of those of authority is crucial towards the development of society through new ideas.</p>

<p>After a careful analysis of the Enron Scandal, the Stock Market Crash of 1929 and the Great Depression, and Apple firing Steve Jobs, it is clear that questioning the ideas and decisions of those of authority is indeed critical in the foundation of social progress. Without challenging these ideas and actions, there would be no debate over differing opinions needed to develop new ideas to further society.</p>

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<p>Is this an SAT essay? Because if it is, you won’t be able to craft such an outstanding essay in so short a time. You also won’t be able to look up sources, as it appears you did for the first paragraph about Enron. Unless you knew those statistics off the top of your head and pulled those quotes out of your pocket. </p>

<p>Otherwise, it was a great essay, albeit without a good opener. Writers often struggle with the best way of finding an opening for an essay that’s not too cliched, like the quote or the rhetorical question. It is difficult, but sometimes you should write the beginning last when you get an idea to effectively tie everything together and open in a unique way.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the feedback! I’m actually following AcademicHacker’s essay structure so the examples have already been pre-researched and memorized. The Enron example was probably the example that I remembered the most because I took a whole day researching it after watching the Enron film because it was just fascinating how they even pulled it off. I pretty much jotted down some facts to memorize since it’s a lot of info to understand, and the essay structure guide recommended knowing some statistics if possible. It took me about 30 minutes to write, but I’m slowly decreasing the time so I can get used to writing the essays a bit. I think I’ll try to implement a better opener since the readers take at most 2 minutes looking over the essay x/ Thanks again!</p>

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<p>Did you write it or type it? If you wrote it, then I commend you for being able to write quickly and clearly. You want to have at least 5 minutes left at the end to go over your essay to make sure you used grammatical and concise language to express your ideas.</p>

5

<p>Yes I did hand write the entire essay out, but I am betting that the ability to write clearly will be a little bit off on test day though. I’m trying to aim for using just 16-18 minutes to write the essay and the rest to proofread and double check everything. May I ask what you would grade this essay on a 1-6 scale? It would give me a better understanding of where I stand. Thanks!</p>

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<p>Hey, guys. Could you please score my essay for me? It’s the first one I’ve ever written after preparing for the Writing test. And please do tell me if you think it’s too basic.</p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below:</p>

<p>Modern ethics is suspicious of those who serve only their own self-interest and instead praises the selfless among us for their dedication to the greater good. However, this distinction is less clear in the context of a capitalized society where each individual citizen is responsible for his own welfare, and cannot rely on society to help him in times of need. Indeed, one must sometimes act in selfish ways to survive.
(Adapted from C. S. Parker, “No Big Macs in the Kalahari”)</p>

<p>Assignment: Is it better to focus on your own good or that of others? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences and observations.</p>

<hr>

<p>No act is selfless and performed without gratification. Cognizant of the above stated fact, it can be said that being selfish and working towards your good is better than ignoring own desires at all. This can be best illustrated by the example of Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of the hit social media site Facebook.
When six-foot-five-inch tall athletic identical twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss approached Zuckerberg to abet them with a website about parties and nightclubs, they weren’t aware that they had unintentionally given Mark Zuckerberg his golden ticket. And Zuckerberg, self-seeking as he was, grabbed this opportunity to turn this simple idea into a worldwide success. By Harvard’s and general ethical standards it was wrong of him to steal an idea or invention of a fellow student, but he did what he selfishly found beneficial, and the product baby of this selfish act we are able to see everywhere we go.
Similarly, the act of looking after one’s self comes in handy for young people all the time. Take peer pressure for instance. The kids who are ignorant to the spoiled habits of their age groups end up being in a better state and having a finer relationship at home. By detaching themselves from the foul preferences of their peer groups, these young people act selfishly and without a thought regarding what their callow friends might think of them. It ameliorates their standing as a person and strengthens their focus on what they ought to be doing with their lives at this young age.
Living life selflessly is not only austere but completely visionary. One can’t simply separate the wants and cravings that come attached with the soul, from the urge to be selfless and thoughtful of others. In comparison to thinking of others over own self, it is always best to be self-focused because if you stop even to think of others’ benefit, you get crushed by the feet of those for whom you halted in the first place.</p>

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<p>@MaryamW, Your essay is good, but it seems a bit short. Did you fill up both pages? I would say try not to transition between viewing points. Just stick with one viewpoint. In the beginning, you wrote “towards your good”, then near the end you wrote “One can’t simply”, and then transition again with “if you stop even to think of others’ benefit, you get crushed by the feet of those for whom you halted in the first place”. You went from 2nd person to 3rd, and then back to 2nd again. Also lengthen the essay by explaining each paragraph a little more, and avoid implementing too many vocabulary words. I would also recommend that you try to use 3 examples, rather than just two. You can still get a pretty good score with just 2 examples, but I would use 3 just to be on the safe side. You do have very good points, however. On a 1-6 scale, I would grade it a 4. May I ask that you look over mine as well? Thanks and I hope this helps!</p>

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<p>Thank you.
No, it took up about one and a half pages worth of space.
Okay, so you mean that writing about the setbacks caused by selflessness in the conclusion was a bad idea? How do you suggest I end the essay? I’m a bit lost when it comes to conclusions. :confused:
Sure, I’d try lengthening it and increase the number of examples. But does using too many vocabulary words generate over-confidence? :blush: I know I don’t have to be casual when writing the essay, but being formal for me ends up with using a lot of advanced vocabulary words.
Thanks for the feedback again. It helped tons. :slight_smile: I’ve another essay that needs grading, I’ll improve it according to the pointers given above and post it too. </p>

<p>About your essay, I agree with ptontiger16. It’s an excellent essay which I doubt can be written in the time period of 25 minutes. However, if it has been written within the official time limit for the SAT essay, its an outstanding essay. But while reading it I felt overwhelmed with too much information. There’s just a lot of stuff going on. Plus, your examples were more or less of the same kind and by the end I was almost bored, veraciously speaking. Try shortening it and using less precise details about the subject and more about the assignment. :slight_smile: On a scale of 1-6, I’d give you a 5, though I’d say it deserves a fat 6! Good luck!</p>

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<p>@MaryamW</p>

<p>I don’t think that writing about the setbacks was a bad idea. However when you write the essay, by the viewpoints, I just meant that you shouldn’t transition between different persons. For example in your paragraphs, don’t use you, your, etc., unless you intend to use them the whole way through to the end of the essay. Don’t switch from using you to using one, if that makes sense? With the vocab usage, just write casually, but just use the words for emphasis when necessary. It’s not that it generates over-confidence. It’s just that when I read it personally, I felt as though I were being bombarded. It takes time and practice, but it should work if you just write casually. I’m still learning how to write SAT essays, but for the whole structure, I followed this structure. <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html&lt;/a&gt;
I used the entire outline so you can check that out! I hope this all helped!</p>

<p>Thank you for the feedback about my essay! I’ll try to get straight to the point next times. The details were supposed to be 6 sentences as in the link above, but I’ll probably tweak it if I need to. My first essay was on a diagnostic test and it was so horrible that I gave myself a 6/12 so I really am happy that you have graded this a 5/6 or 10/12 :smiley: Thanks again!</p>

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<p>Hi! I’ll grade the essay of the next person who posts on this thread to the best of my ability.
For this essay, I’m using AcademicHacker’s method. For my past essays, I’ve usually received 9-10 but I am striving for at least an 11. Thank you!</p>

<p>Here’s a portion of the quote I used in my essay: “We all inherit a great deal of useless knowledge, and a great deal of misinformation and error, so that there is always a portion of what we have been told that must be discarded”</p>

<p>Are the things we are taught more likely to be accurate if they are based on widely held beliefs within our culture?</p>

<p>Popular beliefs are not more likely to be accurate because many widely held ideas are created by people who spread propaganda for their own personal benefit. Several examples from history and literary works clearly demonstrate that widespread beliefs can be incorrect because there may be ulterior motives that drives these ideas.</p>

<p>As demonstrated in the novel Animal Farm, the ubiquitous teachings of Napoleon proved to be detrimental to Animal Farm. After overthrowing the humans, Napoleon claimed dictatorial powers over the population of Animal Farm. With his position fully entrenched, Napoleon creates the Seven Commandments and requires that all the animals learn them. These rules are drilled into the animals’ minds, and because Napoleon is their leader, the animals don’t question his rules. As time passes, the animals continue to serve Napoleon and his teachings. Meanwhile, Napoleon’s power increases as well as his food rations and leisure time. Ultimately, the farm collapses, the animals are left without food or a home, and Napoleon enjoys a new life with his former enemy, the humans. Thus, Napoleon’s selfish actions proves that the widespread beliefs taught to the animals were not accurate at all. In fact, Napoleon spread this propaganda to increase his own power and wealth while neglecting the very animals who helped him attain this success.</p>

<p>Through the actions of Wilhelm II of Germany in World War I, it can be concluded that the notion of creating beliefs for selfish reasons is applicable to the real world. In the period preceding World War I, the Prime minister of Germany, Bismarck, maneuvered Germany into a peaceful and diplomatic situation with other European countries. At the time, Wilhelm was a young leader who had only recently assumed the throne. Inexperienced and immature, Wilhelm soon eliminated the alliances that Bismarck had worked so diligently to amass. Wilhelm began to build up his military by conscripting young soldiers. Wilhelm told the Germans that war was honorary, a place where one could die for his country and help increase the power of the German Empire. As shown in the novel All Quiet on the Western Front, World War I was inhumane, horrific, and deadly. Therefore, Wilhelm enticed the German people to help fight the war, whose reality contrasted sharply to the attractions that Wilhelm had publicized. Wilhelm wanted to increase his strength through war and used false propaganda to attract deluded soldiers. </p>

<p>After a careful analysis of Animal farm and Germany during World War I, one can see that popular beliefs are, indeed, inaccurate sometimes due to the interest of those who control those beliefs. Without a meticulous scrutiny of widespread ideas, failure may be imminent. As Hayakawa would concur with, some information we receive should be disregarded.</p>

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<p>@letjustin, I’m glad that you used AH’s format, and have had success with it!
As for your essay, there’s not much to say as it is a very good essay. This is a perfect example of using only two examples to support your argument, and still maintain a good score. I liked the fact that in your 2nd body paragraph you referenced All Quiet on Wilhem to further support the argument that Wilhelm was just trying to get people to fight in the war. Your writing style is clear, consistent, and flows very smoothly through transitions. Your argument is very easy to follow and comprehend. I think the only thing I would recommend is to include the author of your novels if you can, but you don’t need to. I would grade this an easy 5 or slight 6, so 11/12. I hope that this has helps! May I ask how many essays you have written following AH’s format? If you could also grade my essay that would be awesome! Thanks!</p>

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<p>Might want to stop posting essays on a public forum. Anybody can plagiarize it and then it’s no longer good for you. Not to mention it won’t stand if the college decides to randomly do a plagiarism search on the internet.</p>

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<p>Thank you very much! I’ve written about 6 essays using AH’s format and I try to customize it towards my liking.
As for your essay TheSunsetSkies:
Paragraph 1: I see you followed the template, nothing to complain about. Social progress is a good thesis
Paragraph 2: Your detail was excellent and relevant. It showed that people questioned the people in power during the Enron scandal and I thought supported the argument. I feel that you didn’t talk enough about social progress, which is what your thesis is all about. Explain the significance of the investigation and its lasting impacts in business. Did it make us more aware of big businesses etc. Maybe add another sentence saying that
Paragraph 3: I would add something about how the New Deal helped advance social progress and improve America. How was FDR better than Hoover? Other than that, I feel that the paragraph is strong
Paragraph 4: The first sentence seems awkward, and I think this was your weakest example. You can add another sentence relating it to social progress, like becoming a big part of American culture. Not a bad example, just the other two were better.
Paragraph 5: Good conclusion, just a small thing I would comment on. I personally like adding comments between the indeed, its more dramatic hehe. “…, indeed, …” You don’t have to do it.</p>

<p>Overall, good thesis with good examples and support. Your reasoning I think is lacking, but that shouldn’t be too hard to fix. Otherwise, I find everything in good shape. I would give it a 5</p>