Please score my essay, thanks!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>This is my debut essay, and i felt it is some kind of redundant...Could u plz score my essay, thanks!</p>

<p>Prompt: It is important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority. </p>

<p>Authority can’t be valid permanently, and blindly believing the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority may plant false belief in our mind inveterately. Although following the authority can sometimes be expedient when facing dilemma, we indeed need to question the authority, to break through the shackles and to build a new sky for creativity. Examples from Jack Welch and Thomas Paine can properly prove that.</p>

<p>One great example comes from Jack Welch, CEO of General Electricity(GE), who challenged the inveterate corporate culture mode and embarked on his renovations through the 1980s. By cutting the prevalently used lackluster old-line units and dismantling the unnecessary parts, most of which were using by other competitive company at that time, Welch eradicated inefficiency and paved the way for future development of GE. Welch also streamlined his company, motivated his staffs, and expanded the broadness of the stock option from just top executives. With these strategies which gained encomium, he successfully increased the recorded revenues of his company from $26.8 billion to $130 billion, thereafter his policies are now widely adopted by many CEOs cross the America, and even throughout the world. Welch is a fascinating businessman to analyze because he undergoes many adversities when questioning the authority and finally, turns a dying company to one of the world’s leading enterprise. Only by challenging the ideas and decisions of authority can he achieve his goal, and we can always find a sense of creativity in his GE legend.</p>

<p>Another persuasive example pertains to Thomas Paine, a British revolutionary who challenged the colonial ruling and urged to build a democratic society. At the beginning of the American Revolution, the American colonies were, with deep misgivings and hesitancy, moving toward independence. Few people favored complete independence, while Loyalists, who firmly believed in conservative thoughts, were powerful. However, dismissing monarchy, Thomas Paine, an early advocate of republicanism and liberalism, published his ideas bravely in Common Sense in 1776. The book was outspoken, touch</p>

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<p>i am not sure you can plan and write this in 25 minutes</p>

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<p>It is clear that you are not a native English speaker. Your essay is outstanding, given this. You show signs of sophistication and depth, and you have some truly excellent turns of phrase. In my opinion, your verb choice is particularly strong.</p>

<p>In terms of the content of the essay, you may have a problem with using Jack Welch, CEO, as an example of questioning people in authority. While he was CEO, he WAS the person in authority! (If you wrote about the challenges earlier in his career, that would be ok–or if you were writing on a different topic, such as challenging conventional wisdom, that would be ok.) Also, GE is General Electric, rather than General Electricity.</p>

<p>In terms of improving your writing and scoring higher on the SAT, here are the items I’d suggest working on:
a) Check for the proper use of singular and plural.
“other competitive companies” rather than “other competitive company”
“his staff” rather than “his staffs”
“one of the world’s leading enterprises” rather than “one of the world’s leading enterprise”
“one of the most important ideologies” rather than “one of the most important ideology”
b) Check for consistency in your use of tenses.
In the paragraph on Jack Welch, you shift between past and present when referring to the past. At the end, you write, “It will always be the case in the past and in the future.” A different conclusion would be better, but a native speaker would write, “It has always been the case in the past and it will always be the case in the future,” or something similar.
“If no one had stand out” should be “If no one had stood out” Stand is an irregular verb.
Also, it should be “would have still been” (not “be”).
“It impressed deeply upon everyone’s mind that his belief become one of the most important ideology of the American Revolution” needs to be fixed. I’d make it something like “His thoughts were so deeply impressed upon the colonists’ minds that his beliefs became the ideological foundation of the American Revolution.” Even then, it’s not too great. In general, be careful of starting sentences with “It.” It is an invitation to problems.<br>
As you’ve used it, “urged to build” needs an object. It could be “urged the colonists to build.”
c) Watch your adjectives and adverbs.<br>
Some are very aptly used, such as “lackluster” and “outspoken.” Your first use of inveterately is not correct, however, and that undermines the later uses Normally, one uses “inveterate” in a context such as “an inveterate conservative,” or “an inveterate war-monger.” It means “deep-rooted” or “ingrained,” but it doesn’t work where you have used it first. You can’t rely on a dual-language dictionary to give you the connotative meanings of words. “Touche’” is an interjection in English, not an adjective.
d) Check for parallelism.<br>
Phrases linked by “and,” “or,” or “but” should be grammatically identical. Thus “outspoken, touche’, and pierced to the heart” doesn’t work.
e) Check for the use of articles such as “the” and “a.”<br>
This is quite tricky, if your native language does not have articles. But one would normally say “facing a dilemma” rather than “facing dilemma,” “question authority” rather than “question the authority,” and “dismantling unnecessary parts” rather than “dismantling the unnecessary parts.” (The phrase “question the authority” could be used with reference to questioning a specific individual, such as “question the authority of the so-called grammar expert.”)
f) Be careful when using nouns as adjectives.<br>
For example, in “corporate culture mode” the word “mode” should be deleted.
g) Watch specific verb use in a few cases. For example, near the end, you should have “motivate” or “move” rather than “motive.”</p>

<p>I would guess that you write beautifully in your native language! Good luck with your writing in English.</p>

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<p>Thank you QuantMech, I will try to correct these errors tonight, and put the edited version here~</p>

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<p>You are welcome, iLeaf. Your writing definitely has the potential for excellence! To improve your familiarity with some of the subtler points of English usage, you might try reading the New York Times, the Economist, or Scientific American, if they are available in a library near you.</p>