prompt :does money lead to selfishness ?
. Renowned steel mogul and philanthropist Andrew Carnegie once said " wealth is not to feed our egos,but to feed the hungry and to help people help themselves" . money is a life difficulty although it is ephemeral . people choose either to dispel it or to use it in the sake of science and helping poor people .In fact,money in almost all the time doesn’t lead to selfishness . This notion has been exemplified through the life of Andrew Carnegie and Al Walid Bin Talal .
.one of the most compelling examples I’ve met through my readings is Andrew Carnegie . Carnegie had made some charitable donations . In 1902 , he founded the Carnegie institution for scientific research and established a pension fund of with a 10 million dollar donation . he gave money to towns and cities to build libraries .he also gave 125 million dollar to a foundation called the Carnegie corporation . Carnegie promoted world peace . he founded carnegie endowment for world peace and funded the building of hague palace of peace . Andrew Carnegie is an example of unselfishness and philanthrophy .
.Another example rather than Andrew Carnegie is Al Waleed Bin Talal . beyond buisness Al Waleed is an active philanthropist , much of al waleed charitable activities are in the field of educational awareness to fill the gaps between western and islamic communities .Over the years, he has funded a number of centers of American studies in universities in the Middle East and centers of Islamic studies in Western universities, which has caused Campus Watch and Jewish American interest groups to question the centers’ academic autonomy. on July 1 2015 , prince al waleed had held a press conference in which he announced his intention to donate 32 billion dollar on philanthrophic causes. He said that the funds will be used for humanitarian projects such as the empowerment of women and youth, as well as disaster relief, disease eradication and building bridges of understanding across cultures In 2004, Al-Waleed contributed $17 million to victims of the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake and tusunami Al-Waleed donated $500,000 to help fund the George Herbert Walker Bush Scholarship at Phillips Academey.
. To sum up , there are alot of people like Andrew Carnegie and Al Waleed Bin Talal who support the thesis that says that money never lead to selfishness . But others see that money is made for fun and joy , but not for charity those are the ones who destroy themselves by themselves .
you have very good ideas but those supporting data only supports your thesis and it doesn’t go in depth, I’d say 8 to be strict.
I think that I should say who is Andrew Carnegie and Al Waleed Bin Talal in both examples
8 or 9, I think it’s always good to use a springboard such as a quote to start your essay but when it detracts from the question I don’t think so. I feel like in some instances you’re talking more about Carnegie and others agreeing with your thesis than answering the question in what you believe. In mention that someone is “agreeing” with your thesis that is a weak way imo to answer the prompt, but you’re still hitting the prompt just less effectively. I’m not saying go three-pronged thesis but some organization would be helpful to. I think if you work on organization, transition, and hit the prompt question a little bit better you can definitely get a 10-11 on Saturday Gl.
Thanks 
@mohamedabousaid Remember to use correct capitalization. It might not be an issue when hand-writing the essay, but when typing in English, there should be no space before the period. There are also a lot of awkward-sounding phrases (“money in almost all the time”) and a few misspellings (“business,” “academy,” “a lot”).
You’ve got good details, but the sentence structure is uneven and gives the essay a “list-y” feel. For instance, in paragraph 2 you rely on multiple simple sentences which minimizes your voice, even though in paragraph 3 you have a complex sentence which flows well. The grammar and punctuation errors detract from the writing also. I think this essay is a 7,8.
If you are shooting for a 9, 10 then I suggest you add depth to your details and use more complex sentences and phrasing. Multiple simple sentences are excellent for emphasis or creating voice (often in introductions or conclusions), but will sound choppy and unsophisticated if not handled with care.