What score should this ESSAY get? HELP!!

Test Preparation
1

<p>This essay is NOT a good essay, please judge it honestly....thx</p>

<p>"A mistakenly cynical view of human behavior holds that people are primarily driven by selfish motives: the desire for wealth, for power, or for fame. Yet history gives us many examples individuals who have sacrificed their own welfare for a cause or a principle that they regarded as more important than their own lives. Conscience - that powerful inner voice that tells us what is right and what is wrong- can be a more compelling force than money, power, or fame"</p>

<p>"Is Conscience a more poweful motivator than money, fame, or power? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples takenn from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations.</p>

<p>The lust for power, fame and wealth can often be motivations for a person, even a society, however, conscience can cause a person to contradict the selfish deeds for a better cause, or even a principle.</p>

<p>I personally have a similiar experience, for three years, i have been saving up for a car. When I finally had the amount of money I needed to buy the car, I realized that having a car can only benefit myself, however, if I donated the money, the money could be put to a better use. Therefore, I gave up the desire of buying a car, and donated the money to a local charity foundation. By donating the money, I believe that my conscience had overdriven the desire for wealth.</p>

<p>While many people are able to give up their wealth for their conscience deeds, others are able to risk their lives for their principles and causes. The can best be seen on September 11th of 2001, when hundreds of firefighters had saved more than hundreds of lives from the World Trade Center buildings. During that grievious day, hundreds of firefighters had fallen, yet their honorable actions are a symbol of conscience defeating personal desires. They had couragiously given up their lives to help the public that not everyone can imagine.</p>

<p>In today's society, greed can often be seen as the strongest motivation of all, however, many people are unaware that our consciences play a significant role in our lives. If one observes carefully, the examples can be seen everywhere.</p>

<p>the essay is 8 lines from the end, which is around 1 page and a half and a little over.</p>

<p>please evaluate it, so i can know how well i do and what i need to improve on</p>

2

<p>I'd give it a 4. You need better (or need to elaborate more on) examples.</p>

3

<p>wow, seriously?</p>

4

<p>that essay is 5/6</p>

5

<p>A total of 7.</p>

6

<p>I want to give it a 4.5 if I could. There are some grammar/punctuation slip-ups, and the sentences aren't varied enough. Maybe more elaboration on your examples would be nice, too.</p>

7

<p>5/6- I think you write very well</p>

<p>More development on the "greed" support
Maybe use more literary/historic examples
More organization- from what I've heard it's a good idea to have an introduction to introduce your supports and thesis, then specifically elaborate on each support, and add a good conclusion</p>

8

<p>when you guys say 5/6 it means a total of 5-6 out of 12?</p>

<p>ty guys for your suggestions and if anyone could add more stuff to help me to improve my essay, that would be great!</p>

<p>thx again</p>

9

<p>imnot gonna grade it cuz honestly im only a student but maybe perhaps discuss like altruism in your conlcusion as the opposotie of ur whole eaxplanation of greed and how it coudl be overcome, just a suggestion</p>

10

<p>dang ijm8710 just make bout 50 mistakes right there...</p>

11

<p>I would give it a 6. The examples were vague and it was pretty short. The example with the firemen was ok, but not that good. Your own example was definitely better, but i wish it had more specifics. Also, it would have been nice if you had told what your own concience was sayig to you. The firemen example was very broad and it seemed like you were trying to get points using the firemen in a sentimental, patriotic way.</p>

<p>Anyway, a literary example would be better for this type of essay and you should elaborate your personal experience.</p>

12

<p>J. Wang, this essay would receive an 8 out of 12. It is closer to a 7 than a 9. There are quite a few GUM mistakes (grammar-usage-mechanics), but the bigger issue holding you back is that your examples don't provide enough insight. So I agree with stix's feedback but not with stix's total score. Each of the two CB readers would be waffling between a 3 and a 4, but both would ultimately tip towards 4, and thus you'd receive an 8. They don't get to consult with one another and agree on a 7. The difference between 3 and 4 according to the CB boils down to inadequate and adequate (their words, not mine). Your essay is not inadequate. It just wasn't insightful enough in its examples or nuanced enough in its argument/position to earn a 5 or 6. </p>

<p>For example, in your personal example, you could have elaborated more on WHY you chose not to buy the car. After three long years of saving, what brought on this epiphany? </p>

<p>Don't, btw, let anyone tell you that you shouldn't be using personal examples at all. I hear that all the time and it's terrible advice.</p>

<p>The 9/11 example is a little risky. Remember, you're being asked to show insight with your examples, not just list examples that are relevant. It is hard not to lapse into cliches when you choose one of the most obvious and worn-out examples.</p>

13

<p>7 or 8/12.</p>

<p>I agree that a personal example is OK, but it's better to draw on history, literature, or some other outside source--it shows the reader that you're well-versed in a variety of areas and can apply your knowledge to a given topic.</p>

<p>Also, I have to emphasize that you shouldn't use 9/11. It's horribly clich</p>

14

<p>Yeah, 7-8 or so - lots of grammatical mistakes. Specifically, check your use of tenses, as you mixed the past and present tense a lot.</p>

15

<p>well, i didn't have alot of time, therefore i just wrote whatever i could lol...</p>

<p>i'll try to improve on those things, thx</p>

16

<p>"The old saying, 'be careful what you wish for,' may be an apporpirate warning. The drive to achieve a particular goal can dangerously narrow one's perspective and encourage the fantasy that success in one endeavor will solve all of life's difficulties. In fact, success can sometimes ahve unexpected consequences. The who propel themselves toward thee achievement of one goal often find that their lives are worse once 'success' is achieved than they were before."</p>

<p>"Can success be disastrous? Plan and write..........."</p>

<p>Many people look for success, hoping that it would solve all the problems, however, not all success end with desirable consequences. When a person is blindly groping for success, he/she often cannot see the deleterious effects of the achievement the person is seeking. Personal experiences and literatures have taught me, a fantasy for success can often disillusion the person thus leading him/she to disastrous effects, even some would call failures.</p>

<p>In real life, a similiar cause was experienced by myself. While I was doing homework with a great friend of mine, a thought of plagiarism came up, I soon proposed the idea to my friend. Even though he first denied, claiming that it will only have negative effects on me, but he was later convinced of letting me copy his homework. Ironicly, a pop-quiz based on the homework was given the next day, just the time when i was ready to claim for success since I recieved a homework grade. To a person who did not do his homework by himself, the pop-quiz was a total chaos. I then learned a valuable lesson : desire for success can often lead to insignificant short-term pleasure, and long term devastating effects.</p>

<p>A similiar theme was revealed in DEATH OF A SALESMAN, a play written by Harper Lee. In the play, the Lomans', a middle class family, faces economical crisis after Willy is fired for his mental unstability and age. Willy, as a salesman, wishes his sons, Billy and Happy to also enter the business field. Eventhough Billy wishes to become a farmer, he was later convinced by Willy to enter the field of business. Ironically, when Billy is ready to enter the business world, he finds himself no money to start a business of any sort. Willy, sacraficingly, committs suicide, hoping to recieve money from the insurance company. Willy's fantasy for success convinces Willy that the insurance company will grant the money when he committs suicide, what he does not realize is the insurance company does not grant money for suicide and his death leaves the family nothing but grief.</p>

<p>While many people seek for success, they are unaware of the negative effects that may follow. Therefore, before one makes a move toward success, he/she must consider the consequences.</p>

<p>it took me around 30 min....so...i think many grammar errors are fixed, but i need to write faster i guess...</p>

17

<p>u have 1 problem: too much plot summary. :(</p>

18

<p>i realized that :(</p>

<p>but....somehow...i can't help it!!!</p>

<p>would you mind to give some advices and examples? thx</p>

19

<p>i think death of the salesman was written by arthur miller. But i dont think these facts matter on the sat</p>

20

<p>yea...oops lol</p>

<p>got mixed up with other book authors sry bout that</p>