please grade my essay out of 6

<p>CAN SUCCESS BE DISASTROUS?
Success. Disaster. Very often, these two words are inter-related. Success is different for different people. It is an achievement with provides contentment along with happiness. But it sometimes takes the erroneous direction. It becomes 'disastrous'. this notion is illustrated in Shakespeare's tragedies, Othello and Julius Caeser and the story of Tutankhamen, an egyptian pharaoh.</p>

<p>Othello, a tragedy that makes most hearts snivel, is the story of how an insecure, black man, Othello killed his innocent wife, Desdemona just because of the distrust that rose in his mind. This story isn't based upon success, its based upon character and misjudgment. But the deeds of Iago, the antagonist, reveal how he, for achieving success, destroyed the lives of Desdemona, Othello and Cassio. Cassio was a very close friend, or as I may say, was next to kin of Othello. he was going to get a promotion from Othello, who held the supreme power. Iago hopped into the situation as he wanted that promotion more than anything. And thus, he devised a plan to persuade Othello that his wife, Desdemona, was cheating on him with Cassio. Othello had always been insecure because of his black color and was honored when Desdemona, a beautiful, fair lady proposed to marry him. to get Cassio out of his way, Iago planted seeds of doubt in Othello's mind. And Othello, who was vulnerable at that time, strangled his wife to death, releasing a death order for Cassio as well. This example shows that Cassio was successful in his life, but faced unduly bad circumstances. and all of this happened because of success. It happened because of the passion for success. And it happened because of one person's jealousy towards the success of another, thus proving success to be disastrous in this particular case.</p>

<p>Another one of Shakesperare's plays, Julius Caeser, provides a substantial example of this supposition. The play revolves around the assassination of Julius Ceaser, by a group of individuals that included hid dearest friend, Marcus Brutus. Ceaser was about to become king of the capitol of Rome, but was murdered the night before the swearing took place. The conspirators included people who were either jealous of his success, or those who wanted to take revenge on him. Even his closest friend, Brutus turned against him. And all of this was mainly because he was about to climb what was the highest ladder of success for him. Unfortunately, success became catastrophic for him.</p>

<p>The death of Tutankhamen proves to be another illustration of the notion. Tutankhamen, to Tut, became a pharaoh in his teenage years. He was a successful king, had moral values, and believed in his principles. Everything was going perfect in his kingdom. Until he was found dead one day. His death is being investigated till date. But there is no concrete evidence. Even so, some people believe that he was murdered out of sheer jealousy. Who wouldn't be jealous of a seventeen-year-old running his own empire? CT(computer tomography) scans of his body reveal a blood clot in his brain and a leg fracture which didn't heal before his death. These are believed to be reasons for his death, or the signs of murder. This shows that success proved to be disastrous, even deadly for Tut, who accomplished a lot in his short life span.</p>

<p>Thus, I would say that success is a great thing, achieved only after the hardest challenges. But success is not always beneficial. Sometimes, it picks up the wrong direction and goes on to destroy lives. However, that shouldn't stop people from aiming to reach heights, it should just be regarded as a cautionary explanation. After all, how much ever disastrous success may be, it definitely motivates and pushed people to greater heights!</p>

<p>Trust me on this and avoid all use of ‘SAT vocabulary’. Strip it all out. </p>

<p>Also your writing style has too many flourishes and rococos- simplify it way down while keeping some sentence variety. The grader has only about a minute to to read your essay and figure out your argument. You are making it too hard to get through. Things like “Othello, a tragedy that makes most hearts snivel…” are arresting. </p>

<p>I wasnt sure exactly what your point was with “Othello”… that Cassio was successful because he was promoted and therefor Iago was jealous of his success and killed him? Julius Caeser was going to successfully crown himself emperor and so Marcus Brutus was jealous and killed him? Tutankhamen was a cool teen emperor and someone got jealous and killed him? </p>

<p>Those are three of the same example. And I dont think its exactly what CB had in mind about success destroying someone. They are thinking more interior.</p>

<p>What if you had used the Caesar example and instead focused on his gowning egotism because of this triumph at the battles of Philippi and the acclaim of the crowd. The fact that he refused the crown just proves what a good guy he is. The type that shouldnt be bound by the fickle Senate but should be an Emperor, since he is better than politics. Success leads to his hubris and a power grab which leads to his assignation.</p>

<p>Your introduction and conclusion need to be focused on your thesis and how you have demonstrated it. These sentences are useless in that regard:
-“Success is different for different people. It is an achievement with provides contentment along with happiness.”

  • " However, that shouldn’t stop people from aiming to reach heights"
    -"After all, how much ever disastrous success may be, it definitely motivates and pushed people to greater heights! "</p>

<p>@argbargy, thabkyou for such a useful evaluation. i will definitely try to keep the conclusion and intro precise and focused towards one supposition. could I get some more examples on the topic from you? perhaps some more diverse ones? (these were the only ones that came to mind).
thankyou. :)</p>

<p>Please focus on argy’s first suggestions - simplify your vocabulary and writing style. If you do that and make sure your thesis is very clear in the intro and conclusion, and that its more clear how the middle paragraphs support the thesis, you will do much better. I suggest making those changes and reposting.</p>

<p>You want other examples for this prompt? In general, I’d think of ways that success could lead to disaster and then work back from there. </p>

<p>For instance Amy Weinhouse had a hit song proclaiming she wasnt going to go to rehab. Mylie Cyrus has lyrics “we cant stop and we wont stop”. Even thought its obvious they both needed help the thing that makes them celebrities precludes it. </p>

<p>Bruno Iksil, the so-called “London Whale”, was a trader in hedge funds for JP Morgan in London. He was so convinced of his long record of success and his reputation as a cautious investor that he kept on piling on more and more hedged trades as losses mounted. He eventually cost his company $7billion in losses because he couldnt bear to lose the title of a ‘successful’ investor.</p>