PLEASE SCORE MY ESSAY!!! I'll score back.

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt:
Can success be disastrous?</p>

<p>People strive for success their entire existence. Culture often times laud those who are successful and creates an ideal image surrounded by success. However, sometimes success can have prodigious consequences. The examples seen through history and literature are very pervasive.</p>

<p>In 2nd century China during the Han dynasty, the disasters of success can be seen clearly though the life of General Shang Hazou. Shang Hazou lived in a period of furor during which mutinous civilians and terrorizing rebels were prevalent. It was his duty to protect the territories allotted to him adn possibly conquer more. He was inherently a hard worker, and he wanted to please the crown so he focused very heavily on his military and conquering. A great leader and adroit commander, he conquered many new regions, but in his pursuit of success he neglected the mutinous people of his own original territories who were desperate for food because of famine. As a result, the people revolted and he lost everything he worked for, including his life.</p>

<p>Another instance of disastrous success is seen in Shakespeare's Macbeth. In it, Macbeth is initially an important figure, but he is by no means the ruler of a country or a celebrity.As the story progresses, Macbeth is fueled with cupidity for power. With his wife's support, Macbeth has some of his closest friends killed in return for advancement in the echelons of medieval society. He does amount to power, eventually taking the crown. However, his venal behavior is recognized eventually and some of his enemies with the support of their allies siege Macbeth's castle. In the end, Macbeth dies as the ruler of Scotland, but had he kept his morals and never attempted to take the throne, he would have lived in ebullience.</p>

<p>Finally, one can examine the life of John Wayne. Once on tour for his biggest album, he came down with strep throat, but a concert was scheduled the same night he received strep. His doctors advised he not sing because it posed a high risk for the rest of his tour. Fortunately, John took the advice and cancelled the show rather than appear in front of his fans. Had Wayne not listened to his doctors and instead chased fame, he could have seriously jeopardized the tour and his singing career.</p>

<p>Upon examining the evidence, one can clearly see the risks of pursuing success in spite of danger. Although fame and success are glamorized by culture, they should not always merit danger. </p>

<p>Please give constructive feedback. I know it's not that great and the thoughts aren't always totally complete, but it is one of my first practice attempts at the essay. I made stuff up for the Chinese example and John Wayne.</p>

2

<p>I really dont know what a grader’s reaction would be on reading about how John Wayne’s singing career was almost cut short. </p>

<p>Here is the full prompt:

</p>

<p>You can see from the context that they had in mind that a drive to obtain a goal might have with it the seed of unhappiness- such as “dangerously narrow one’s perspective” or that “success in one endeavor will solve all of life’s difficulties”.
That’s the case with all the SAT essay prompts- you are supposed to be making a generalized argument, and the grader is assessing you 0-6 on the logical strength of that argument. The examples are supposed to be specific, but the argument is general. You want to avoid examples that you dont/cant draw larger ramifications from. </p>

<p>Examples 2 and 3 dont help you- here is stuff that happened, and it just so happened to turn out badly. No larger lesson. Your example #1 is better because here the redoubtable General is so interested in capturing new lands he neglected to govern the ones he had- that is a lesson about the general way that success can lead to failure.</p>

<p>I have never seen a construction like “cupidity for power”. I’d avoid forced vocab and focus on making a progressing argument.</p>

3

<p>Thanks, this criticism is really helpful. It’s safe to say I have no idea what I am doing. I really should have read through the prompt more thoroughly, but I was in a rush and so I didn’t really focus as much on it. I’ve never personally seen cupidity used, but I used it because i thought it would work haha. I’ll try and avoid sounding bombastic. I will say I really don’t understand how Macbeth did not apply. It’s about a person who abandoned his morals in pursuit of power and basically lost everything along the way. How does that not apply to a prompt asking for examples of people narrowing in on a goal while they are devastated by something else? I admit to the John Wayne story being really crappy. I was trying to take a stance that showed how, by not pursuing his goal of fame or whatever, he preserved himself and prevented some sort of demise. I suppose it was a pretty poor example. After reading my thoughts, do you think if I more clearly stated my thoughts in the actual essay I could’ve done better? Even after reading what you’ve said, I’m just having trouble understanding why they don’t fit the prompt.</p>

4

<p>Upon reading it again, I can really see where my essay lacked a connection to the prompt. I feel like I could have done something with the examples, but I didn’t clearly enough relate them to the prompt or my thesis.</p>

5

<p>Its not that Macbeth doesnt apply- it is an example of someone who didnt follow his conscience. But you didnt make the connection to a larger lesson like you did with General Hazou.</p>

<p>Here is a way to clarify: suppose the College Board gives me the prompt: “Left-Handed golfers are better golfers”.</p>

<p>Assume that I uses the 5 paragraph format and fill each of these essays out to a page and a half in the essay booklet.</p>

<p>Attempt #1: Phil Mickelson, Bob Charles, Bubba Watson are all left handed and were all great golf champions. Therefor left-handed golfers are better golfers.</p>

<p>Attempt #2: Left handers represent only 10% of the general population but less than 5% of the golfers (known from club sales). The facts that left handed champions Phil Mickelson, Bob Charles, Bubba Watson represented nearly 15% of championships won by left handers demonstrates that left handed golfers are better because the number of wins they have is out of proportion to their population. </p>

<p>Attempt #3: Because young left-handed children begin playing the game with borrowed clubs they start of with a disadvantage of having the “wrong” clubs. In order to survive the must be very careful in practicing the details and getting their form exactly correct while their right handed friends are hacking away. This is why left hand golfers have better fundamentals. Bubba Watson is one of the longest professional drivers despite being only 180lbs. Bob Charles had dominated golf in his country despite his age and small frame because of his careful form. Phil Mickelson, arguably the greatest golfer today, is a right hander in every other area of his life. He only plays golf left handed because that is the way his father trained him from three years old and the initial disadvantage of being a leftie made him a better golfer than he would have been as a natural rightie. </p>

<hr>

<p>Critique #1: No matter how much I tell you about my 3 examples, I am just giving you a list of 3 specific instance- why do those three prove that lefties are better in general? There could be a list of 1000 right handed golfers given as a counter example.
The grader would probably give a score of 3.</p>

<p>Critique #2: Now I am making an attempt showing why my 3 examples are better your 1000 counter examples. I am affirming that left handers are better in general, although I dont have a reason why.
A grader would probably score this a 4/5</p>

<p>Critique #3: Now I have supplied a reason why my thesis is true: Left handers spend so many years with the wrong tools that they have to get all the little details of swing correct. Consequently they are much better players than their physical stature would normally allow. This effect is so pronounced that the even a natural right hander benefited from it to become the best player today.
This would be a 5/6 essay.</p>

<p>Your John Wayne and Macbeth examples are two instances of Attempt #1. You have given me two examples that fit your thesis- but couldnt someone just as easily give 1000 counter examples? People for whom success not to disaster but lead to greater success or happiness. What is it about about these two examples that proved a larger rule?</p>

6

<p>I can’t thank you enough argbargy. What you just said made a lot of sense. It is now much clearer to me how I should write this essay. I’ll focus a lot more on connecting things to the thesis. If I wrote the other 2 examples like I wrote the Chinese general one, do you think I could score a 5 or 6? Also, do you think it’s a bad idea to have three examples that are, while different, similar. For instance, do you think that if I had 2 examples showing how people narrowed in on their goals and screwed everything else up and 1 example of how a person abandoned their pursuit of success to fix their disastrous life I would get a higher score than if I wrote 3 examples of how a person’s honing in on their goal destroyed them. That may not have been clear. Look at it this way. Which of the following would score higher?</p>

<p>1st essay</p>

<p>into
1st body - striving for success and being destroyed in the process
2nd body - stopping the pursuit for success to prevent the destruction of oneself
3rd body - striving for success and being destroyed in the process
conclusion</p>

<p>2nd essay</p>

<p>introduction
1st body - striving for success and being destroyed in the process
2nd body - striving for success and being destroyed in the process
3rd body - striving for success and being destroyed in the process
conclusion</p>

<p>Which do you think is a better approach? I could’ve followed the 2nd essay’s approach but I wanted to create a more compelling essay. Thanks so much for helping me lol.</p>

7

<p>In general you are trying to strongly prove your thesis, so each example should in some way contribute to that. They should illuminate different aspects. For a lot of prompts it is helpful to consider the contrary position to reenforce your thesis. That would say there might be advantages to essay #1 depending how you pull it off. </p>

<p>So lets say you redo this essay. Toss out John Wayne and maybe you use Amy Winehouse or Britney Spears. Your generalizing observation might be that depending on the adulation and approval of the public inevitably drives one to self-destructive behaviors. In the Spears case you have the advantage of success driving her to the edge, and the reverse where the court appoints her father to take over all her affairs and things stabilize for her. You have established that at least that kind of success is likely to be disastrous in general.</p>

8

<p>Okay. Try reading and critiquing this essay I wrote today. It may be better, but it may be worse. I read a sample essay from the same prompt and I feel like my first example was sort of skewed by it, but my second example is entirely original. The first one may not adress the prompt correctly. Yikes! Here’s the prompt:</p>

<p>A better understanding of other people contributes to the development of moral virtues. We shall be both kinder and fairer in our treatment of others if we understand them better. understanding ourselves and understanding others are connected, since as human beings we all have things in common.
Do we need other people in order to better understand ourselves?</p>

<p>The statement “Do we need other people to understand ourselves” suggests that the key to understanding our morals lies in understanding others. In other words, by examining others, we can better ourselves. In my opinion, this is an accurate assessment. The evidence supporting this in life and history is very pervasive.</p>

<p>Take, for instance the experiences of Ray Allen, an excellent player in the NBA. He had a prolific career playing for the Miami Heat, but something always bothered him. When it came down to making the game winning free throw, he would often choke due to the various pressures. He went to a fellow teammate, Richard Johnson, who was capable of making even the most high pressured free throws. Ray Allen discovered that when Johnson stepped up to the line, he let all the pressure go by imagining himself at the training gym. Using this method, Johnson could make any free throw. Ray Allen emulated this strategy, and when the time came, he stepped up to the line, imagined the Miami training gym, took the shot, and made the basket, winning game seven of a playoff series. Clearly, one can see how Ray look to Richard Johnson and better understood how he could improve himself and make that game winning basket.</p>

<p>Take note of yet another example of someone who benefited from his expereicnes with others. Joe Kennedy was a pretentious stock broker in teh roaring twenties. He always looked on those worse off than himself with contempt. When he would pass poor people on the streets, he would heckle them, demanding they find work instead of beg. Unfortunately for Joe kennedy, all of his wealth was in stocks, and when Black Tuesday came, he lost everything, including his job. He soon became one of the people he scorned. Relegated to the lower class os society, he was surrounded by those he previously despised. But while he was surrounded by them, he realized that these were decent, kind, munificent people. He was touched by their love for one another and immediately changed his ways. When the economy picked back up, he regained his lost job and donated large amounts of his wealth to the underprivileged, becoming a prominent philanthropist. As one can see, when Joe Kennedy actually connected with others, he saw in them something he liked and found new morals for himself.</p>

<p>Clearly, people need to connect with others to gain valuable insight regarding themselves and their morals. This is clearly illustrated through the life of Ray Allen who bettered himself by emulating a team mate and by the life of Joe Kennedy who took traits of those he previously despised and became a better person.</p>

9

<p>The first example is a bit off target since it is essentially asking advice from someone, not exactly learning from them. And its a sport performance tip, not anything to do with moral virtues or personal insight. What did Ray understand about himself?</p>

<p>I find your second example confusing. You know that Joe Kennedy is a well known historical figure and none of those things happened? You are setting up the same problem as John Wayne’s singing career- you are daring the grader to scoff. </p>

<p>If you had called this person something else, the example works well for the prompt. You could have empathized more what he learned about <em>himself</em> (maybe common humanity despite monetary circumstances).</p>

10

<p>LOL. I read of Joe Kennedy on another poster’s essay and he said he frequently used fake examples. I totally thought it was fake. I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen on the test. And yeah my main example was skewed like I said because I read a different essay and it was along the same lines. Under the pressure I failed to produce a better example. Once again thanks for the criticism. I’ll probably upload another essay today lol.</p>

11

<p>Another essay for argbargy…
Prompt:there is, of course, no legitimate branch of science that enables us to predict the future accurately. Yet the degree of change in the world is so oerwheling and so promising that the future, I believe, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War…
Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>The question “Is the world changing for the better?” suggests that technology and other advances are making our world a better place. In other words, new technologies are making life better for earth’s inhabitants. In my opinion, technology and science are making life better. The examples in life and history are very pervasive.</p>

<p>Take, for instance, the lives of the indigenous people in Bahu, India. For many years, these villages people drank water so unclean that the weak and elderly would often come down with sickness and die. The people of Bahu worked ardently to purify their water, but they coudl not do it, and as a result, people continued to get sick. It wasn’t unitl Andy Jones, an American scientist specializing in water purification, came to bahu in 2008 that the people drank clean water. He introduced a new filter recently produced in the states that, while being powered by solar energy, could cleanse the water of germs using an ultraviolet light. This new technology spread through the village of Bahu and prevented the sickness that had been plaguing the village drinking water for centuries. Clearly, the progression of the world and its technology are making the lives of other’s better and improving society as a whole. Without this advancement, Bahu might have remained in a state of despair for centuries to come.</p>

<p>Another vivid example is the introduction of a new strand of rice called Kaya to the desiccated regions below the Sahara desert. For centuries, these regions have had difficulty cultivating enough crops to support the rapidly growing populations. Kaya, the superfood rice, was invented in a laboratory in Palo Alto California using cutting edge technology. Without the advancements in genetic mutation, Kaya could have never occured. The real importance of Kay a is, however, in the way it has helped countries like Ghana. The introduction of this new rice in the village of Ziga marked the first time in centuries that the village population did not have to ration its food. ALl of the inhabitants thanked the researchers who introduced the crop and showed their gratitude by building the foreigners drums of wood and animal skin. It is clear that these people benefited from the advancement of technology and tis affects on them. Without Kaya, the people of Ziga, the Ghana village, would likely still be rationing food as they been for generations.</p>

<p>When one looks to these examples he or she cannot deny the fact that the world is becoming a better place as time and technology progress. Look at Bahu, which benefited from water filtration, or look at Zigra, the village that greatly benefitted from a recently engineered rice. These examples elucidate how technology does, indeed, make the world as better place.</p>

12

<p>Is Bahu a real place? And are you referencing Golden Rice? I am becoming concerned that you havent learned any appropriate examples in your high school career. </p>

<p>Ok your thesis is basically future=more technology. More technology=more human problems solved=better world. I think that logic is fine, although you have to be aware that it is possible that people might say technology creates its own problems for people, so as you increase the amount of technology you increase the potential problems. There are also some who would content that solving human problems might not mean a better world. </p>

<p>I think the examples you present are fine at backing up the thesis and would fall into the “Attempt #2” classification above. You supply examples that would convince the grader that at least the basic human needs like food and water will be better supplied in the future. </p>

<p>You should at least consider the counter position. Surely some people will find technology overwhelming-therefor the future looks worse for them. Perhaps an example of the difficulty of operating an early pc verses an iphone, showing that technology will evolve not just to do more, but to make itself more controllable by humans.</p>

<p>Given our discussions you know that you have to be making the case to the grader that you have proven a <em>general</em> point. Hell, some one can come up with two or three isolated examples of anything- even Hitler being a great guy. You should have hit the general truth of the examples you gave harder in your closing to show that you arent just an Attempt #1 essay. </p>

<p>I’d say this is a lowish 4 to a 5. So anything from an 8-10 would be a reasonable score to get back.</p>

13

<p>I don’t want to use examples I learned in high school because that requires conjuring them up from the back of my mind and processing them in the situation. It’s easier to just make **** up. It’s funner anyways. I don’t really understand how I would’ve hit harder in my closing. I think I was pretty explicit when talking about how technology really benefited the modern world. And yeah, I could’ve used a counter example to prove a different point, but under the time constraint and with my limited space for writing I chose not to. I am a littttle bit worried about just bs’ing everything because I’m afraid I’ll come across a grader who seems to know everything like yourself. How is that so? Anyways, I’d be really happy if I got a 10. I’ll probably write another essay again tomorrow and have you critique it if you’re willing.</p>

14

<p>argbargy, please read and critique this essay. I think it could be my best one yet… </p>

<p>prompt:“Tough challenges reveal our strenghts and weaknesses.” This statement is certainly true; adversity helps us disocer who we are. Hardships can often lead us to examine who we are and to question what is important in life. In fact, people who have experienced seriously adverse events frequently report that they were positively changed by their negative experiences.</p>

<p>The question “Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need to discover who we are?” suggests that we need to be challenged to actually discover who we are. In other words, adversity helps us improve and gain a better understanding of ourselves. In my opinion, we do need adversity to improve and better understand who we are. The examples in life, history, and literature are very pervasive.</p>

<p>Take, for instance, the life of James Curtis, and aspiring actor in New York during the 1930’s. Curtis had a family of 3 daughters along with his wife, and he desperately wanted to take care of them, but money was short and he couldn’t land a job acting because his voice was too deep and wouldn’t fit the roles. He tried again and again, constantly facing adversity. He finally went on to get a job, but not as an actor. Curtis was recognized for his voice and given the job of singing at local events. He was originally skeptical, but he went along anyways and found a talent as a singer. He later became one of the city’s finest singers and was recognized in newspapers all around New York for his skillful singing and authentic voice. As you can see, through adversity he discovered his strengths and weaknesses. He really discovered who we was, and once he realized this, he was able to provide for his family.</p>

<p>MY other vivid example is the life of Carton in Charles Dicken’s A tale of Two Cities. Carton is an unambitious drunkard who, while adroit in his profession, never achieves the recognition of his coworker. He is also hopelessly in love with someone far out of his league. Carton feels hopeless and ultimately meaningless and empty inside, but he does eventually discover something about himself amid adversity. When he finds out that his friends are in trouble in France, he sails across the sea to assist them. However, his attempt to help seems futile when he discovers that Charles Darnay, his love’s husband, is going to be killed. Carton, nevertheless, formulates a plan for Darnay’s escape. He decides to disguise himself as Darnay and suffer Darnay’s penalty. At his final moments while walking up to the guillotine, he realizes that his life was not meaning. He realized that even though he seemed hopeless, he had a heart for others. Through adversity, he found meaning in life as the sacrificial lamb. Adversity gave Carton the opportunity to better understand himself.</p>

<p>As one can see, adversity gives people better insight into themselves. Take James Curtis, for example, who found success because of adversity. Or look at Carton who, amid adversity, discovered his meaning in life and who he really was. As one can see, adversity helps people better understand themselves and who they really are.</p>

15

<p>Leave out stuff like " In my opinion," and "MY other vivid example - we know they are yours. The opening itself is a bit weak, you are repeating too much here. </p>

<p>“James Curtis” is flat for me. You are being way too literal in the interpretation of “he discovered something about himself”. He finds out he can sing? I think CB is asking more about character than they are about hobbies. If he had had stage fright since a child and was afraid to sing since childhood but was forced into it by straighten circumstances, then you’d have something. </p>

<p>Tale of Two Cities is good because its on point and an example from Classic Literature. You would have done better to contrasting the meaninglessness with what he hoped to accomplish by stepping in for Darnay and his “It is a far, far better thing that I do” speech.</p>

16

<p>Thanks this again is really good advice. I’m going to focus more on making it sound less formulaic. I wish I had remembered to incorporate his “it is a far, far better thing that I do” speech, but I hardly remember anything from the book. And the James Curtis thing… I was trying to follow the prompt as closely as I could and address how he found “weaknesses and strengths.” I’m sure I’ll have another esssay for you to look at again tomorrow if you’d be willing to critique me one more time before my actual SAT this saturday. Thanks for the help pal, it’s greatly appreciated.</p>

17

<p>Best of luck.</p>

18

<p>Another essay. Please help me out again argbargy!</p>

<p>Prompt: Traditionally the term “heroism” has been applied to those who have braved physical danger to defend a cause or to protect others. But one of the most feared dangers people face is that of disapproval by their family, peers, or community. Sometimes acting courageously requires someone to speak out at the risk of such rejection. We should consider those who do so true heroes.
Should heros be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it?</p>

<p>The question “Should heros be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it?” suggests that the real heros of scoeity are not just those brave physical danger or defend a cause to protect others, but also those who express their opinions in spite of the possibility of rejection. This perception is proved through various examples in history and literature.</p>

<p>Take, for instance, the experiences of Ralph in the classic book Lord of the Flies. In the story, a group of young boys has crash landed on an island. With no adults, the boy slack supervision, and somebody has to fill the role. Both Ralph and Jack step up to run for the leadership position, but Ralph wins the election. As the story progresses, Ralph tries to muster the boy sto live civilly and organizes a signal fire so the boys are spotted by a rescue crew, but as more time passes, the boys drift to the leadership of Ralph’s nemesis, Jack. Jack is a venal character who appeals to the dark emotions in each person. Jack insists on hunting, ignoring the signal fire, and partaking in dances in which one boy, Simon, is even killed. At one point, Ralph loses most of his supporters to Jack who bribes them with meat and other debaucheries, and as a result, he is tempted to join the uncivil band of boys. Even then, however, Ralph steadfastly stood with his morals and chose not to join the boys, causing him to lose even more followers. In that sense, Ralph is a hero because even when he was pressured between doing the wrong thing or facing rejection, he chose to do the right thing. Ralph is the epitome of someone who spoke up in spite of rejection.</p>

<p>The threat of rejection even intimidates adults. Look at the life of James Curtis, a wealthy business man and entrepreneur during the 1940s. At the time, his business selling insurance had nearly hit rock bottom because his business was no longer making as much money, but he still had to pay his taxes. He told his company’s board members of the problem, and each one of them advocated that he cheat the company’s taxes to provide for all the workers. Curtis had a deep sense of morality and feared breaking even the simplest laws. When he rejected the board’s plan, each member was very upset, but James knew he was doing the right thing. He had to cut some of his employees and even some of the board members. Clearly everyone was disappointed in the outcome, but James is a hero because he did the right thing even among adversity. James Curtis is just one more example of a hero who spoke out despite fear of rejection.</p>

<p>As one can see, those who speak out in spite of rejection are the real heros. They are the ones who do what is right even though they know they will disappoint others. They are the ones who do the things others cannot.</p>