<p>Hi 
Hope you don’t mind my feedback:</p>
<p>First of all, here are some positives:</p>
<ol>
<li>Evidence
Its great that you decided to back up your answer with points that can be used to explain the link between understanding ideas and concepts and facts by suggesting that it is through facts that we can understand concepts and ideas. This is a good idea and should be built up on. However, currently, I feel that the argument and phrasing of the evidence disappointed the weight that your evidence had. This is particularly because (as argbargy said), the example was too descriptive and had hardly targeted the answer directly (Though it did arbitrarily).</li>
</ol>
<p>Anyways, here is my revamped version of your example on the ISRO using your idea that understanding ideas and concepts relies on facts. Note, I decided to (<em>Cough Cough</em>) add some additional information (which i’m pretty sure isn’t true) to make it more related to the topic. Do note though, that in your actual essay it is best to abstain from using taradiddles (lies) to boost your argument. </p>
<p>In science, facts are often used as a basis of forming theories and proving them. [topic sentence] An example of this would be how the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO) , which is the largest space organization in South-East Asia, discovers the identity of new planets and unravels facts about these planets’ orbits. [example] It is through these facts about the planets, that the scientists at ISRO are able to better our understanding of why certain planets or interplanetary objects such as comets have aberrant orbits. [link] Therefore, facts are important as it is through them that we are able to understand phenomenons that occur in our universe. [Conclusion]</p>
<p>I think you have potential to improve your essay writing as you have demonstrated a strong capacity to come up with great ideas such as the one you were trying to show in your first body paragraph. However, you should work on tweaking the structure of your answer and trying to keep to answering the question rather than showing off facts as you are not required to give a plethora of detail regarding your examples. A quick abstract description of your example is suffice for a 25 minute essay.</p>
<p>Anyways, here are some other things I noticed and some things that could potentially be improved on:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Structure:
As mentioned above, I think you should work on improving the structure of your body paragraphs to ensure that you can get your point across to the reader easily while save time on your writing. A great guide for learning how to structure your essay would be the post by AcademicHacker (<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html</a>). Use it and you’ll improve tremendously :).</p></li>
<li><p>Introduction
Haiz… Unfortunately, you made a common mistake :(. You didn’t directly and firmly answer the question in your introduction. I think you should remind yourself to try to focus on answering the question instead of trying to give a deep thesis-type introduction leading to a stance such as “both are necessary”. Collegeboard doesn’t want you to sit on a fence and say that both are needed. It wants you to pick a position and fight for that position and so that is what you must do if you want a good grade. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Always remind yourself to pick a side to fight for, state that side and continuously promote this side. Doing this will ensure you hit the part of the rubric which marks you for your ability to develop a persuasive argument (for a side). </p>
<ol>
<li>Vocabulary
Hmm… I think this could be worked on slightly (but don’t worry we all have to build up our vocabulary because it is one of the things no one ever perfects! The first point about vocab that I will make is that you should not use a difficult word if you are not familiar with how to use it. From this following extract from your essay, can you notice which word was misused? (ignore any grammar mistakes)</li>
</ol>
<p>“Science dictates that it’s patrons must know this person inside out…”</p>
<p>The diction error here involves the word ‘patrons’. The word ‘patrons’ is often used to refer to either 1. a customer, 2. a person who gives financial support to another or 3. a person or institution with the right to grant a benefice to a member of the clergy.</p>
<p>Try fitting any of the following as a substitute to patrons in the essay and you would notice none of the definitions make sense. Now, you may argue that you were trying to use patrons in a metaphorical or literary way but in the context of the essay this is not really evident unfortunately. In fact it is because of this that students is highly recommended that you do not try to use metaphorical meanings unless they are explicit or if you are confident that your poetic skills are extraordinary. Thus, stick to boring dictionary definitions if you intend to use complicated words :).</p>
<p>Now, my second point on vocabulary would be that I recommend you build up an arsenal of level 3 words and learn how to use them well. This is because even though you should not use a word if you do not know how to use it properly, it would still be best to try to get some good words that you know into your essay. This has to be done by learning new words.</p>
<p>For you, I recommend reading the Word Smart book by the Princeton Review because it gives excellent sentence examples which I’m sure will build up your vocabulary. </p>
<p>Here is a list of priorities to take when deciding whether to use a certain complicated word or not. </p>
<ol>
<li>Do you know how to use the word well? If yes move on to 2. </li>
<li>Does the word fit the context of your essay? If yes move on to 3.</li>
<li><p>Use the word </p></li>
<li><p>Grammar:
The essay contains some grammatical errors which affect my understanding of the essay. I think this is one major point to work on. I recommend checking the online forums or google for grammar resources for the betterment of your sentence structuring; this would ensure you do not get penalized for grammatical errors. If you do not want to search the web for resources and are in the book buying mood instead, I would recommend you buy Grammar Smart, which is also by the Princeton Review :). It gives a comprehensive coverage of grammar and has helped me tremendously in my grammar (especially in terms of countable and uncountable nouns haha).</p></li>
<li><p>Conclusion:
My comments for this is similar to those for your introduction. I would strongly recommend referring back to the question over and over again and answering it directly. There is no point beating around the bush with philosophical ideas if you do not answer the question. It seems to be counterintuitive since it limits the demonstration of your intellect but unfortunately, the SAT does not reward the intellectual (Sigh… :() but rewards those who play according to the way they want you to play. This way of playing would be to fight for a side and be firm with your argument. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>If you play by their game I assure you that you will have no problem improving your marks by 2-3 points/12 minimum.</p>
<p>Sorry for blabbering for so long. </p>
<p>Here is the long-awaited grade I would assign your essay.
I am using the Barron’s SAT rubrics for marking as I feel it is the most organized rubric and hits most, if not all the points that collegeboard wants to see in an essay. </p>
<p>Position on the Topic: 1/6 (This point hurt badly because you did not make a clear stance)</p>
<p>Organization of Evidence: 2/6 (You have some decent points but they were not as focused to the question as hoped. If you made them more focused, this would easily by a 4-5/6; yes it is that easy to make a big difference)</p>
<p>Sentence Structure: 2/6 (I think I may be a bit harsh here but I personally found the sentences abstruse at times. 
I think you should look at a few essays to improve this point. I believe you will be able to improve it significantly within a short period of time through looking at 10-12 mark essays)</p>
<p>Level of Vocabulary: 2/6 (Though you made an attempt to use level 3+ vocabulary, unfortunately, they were not used efficiently enough and apart from that, the rest of the vocabulary can be seen to be of a rudimentary level. Fret not though, you made a good start by showing you have a general understanding of the words you used (since you used them in almost correct contexts). I would recommend, building up your knowledge of these words and a few more words as suggested in the vocab section. With a few more level 3+ words, you will probably hit a 4-5/6 for this or even a 6/6 :)) P.s. Vocab was one of my weakest links as well so don’t worry; I believe your vocabulary will improve tremendously with hard work.</p>
<p>Grammar and Usage: 2/6 (Again, there were quite a few clustered bunches of errors which I feel affected not only this part of the rubric but also the other parts. I strongly recommend boosting your grammar as it impacts the examiner’s overall perspective of your essay.)</p>
<p>Overall Effect: 2/6 (This is just a general impression of the essay)</p>
<p>Score that a single marker is likely to give: 2/6
Composite score from two markers: 4/12 </p>
<p>Don’t be discouraged by the marks. Marks don’t matter for practice. What matters is that you’ve taken the initiative to work on your essay writing skills. With a little bit of tweaking here and there, you can definitely double that score easily since you are definitely a critical thinker I look forward to hearing/seeing that you improve your essay skills!</p>