<p>I'm not that great at writing essays, so give me suggestions, but anyways</p>
<p>Question: What motivates people to change?</p>
<p>Change is risking something to go forward. Both national peril and financial difficulties motivate people to change.</p>
<p>National peril motivates people to change. This can be seen in the Cold War between the U.S. And the U.S.S.R. In 1951, the Soviets had launched Sputnik I into space. The U.S. feared that the Soviets could use this technology to launch nuclear missiles at the U.S.. The world applauded at the Soviets for their successful launch of Sputnik. The U.S. attempted to launch their first satellite, but Americans were overconfident and the rocket blew-up on the launch pad. This drove Americans to increase their math and science classes taught in schools. The government wanted to replace frill classes, such as square-dancing, with more core classes. Since the American public was afraid of the Soviets sending an ICBM at them, the Americans changed and improve their math and science classes. There were more people going into math and science, and they contributed and helped America in the Space Race. So, national peril motivated Americans to change.</p>
<p>Another example is that financial difficulties motivate people to change. My high school was one the few in the valley that was still on a seven period day. Other schools had eight periods total, four on one day, and four on the next. Two years ago, my school decided to start thinking on going onto the block schedule (four on one, other four on the next), because the seven period day was too expensive to operate. However, thanks to a very generous donation to our school, our school did not have to switch. However, last year, the school decided to switch to block schedule because of the same reason. This time there was no donation, and not a strong enough opposition. So, the school decided to switch to block schedule, because of financial difficulties it was having. Financial difficulties motivated the school to change to block schedule.</p>
<p>In conclusion, both national peril and financial difficulties motivate people to change. This can be seen in the Cold War and in my school.</p>
<p>I would say probably a 4. You should have a proper thesis, like "Adversity motivates people to change." "Both national peril and financial difficulties motivate people to change." can not be the thesis because it is too specific and it is rather of a form-to-follow than a thesis. </p>
<p>Also, you need more connecting words in your paragraphs and you should also have more variety in them too (ex. put some short sentences too)</p>
<p>Lastly, your conclusion should not just restate your examples. It should expand on the relationship between your examples and your thesis.</p>
<p>I didn't even read it but as soon as I looked at it...</p>
<p>where is your introductory? where is your concluding paragraph? if you call that one line a paragraph and elaborate and defining, then you might have a problem</p>
<p>What was good about it?
-Definitely your examples. They were well thought out, and I can see aspects of your critical thinking.</p>
<p>What was lacking?
-Well, clearly an intro and conclusion. Readers read essays so quickly--often the only impression is built on the introduction alone, and readers probably won't change their initial impressions. First impressions are always important, remember that. So don't be lazy with introductions! And you lack a conclusion, which is quite significant, although not significant as lacking a good intro.
-More examples are needed.
-Your vocabulary is kind of limited. Use big SAT words.</p>
<p>Conclusion:
Your essay isn't bad at all, but you need to spend some time on your intro and conclusion. Your examples were good, but you should try to fit in two more examples, one in each body paragraph. That way you have two examples of national peril and two examples of financial "crisis."</p>
<p>Finally, "However, thanks to a very generous donation to our school, our school did not have to switch. However, last year, the school decided to switch to block schedule because of the same reason. This time there was no donation, and not a strong enough opposition." Too confusing--just say that your school had to switch due to financial problems. This way you can save space for another example.</p>
<p>i would give it a 5 or a 6. you never really answer the question and i think some of your arguments are weak. because people are becoming more accustomed to writing these SAT essays, the scorers are looking for topics of more "substance". i would try to avoid personal experiences all together. think of 2 (and 1 for back up) topics that could be used in any essay that is thrown at you. it is impressive if you choose 1 history topic and 1 literature topic, or 2 strong history topics</p>
<p>laurstar07, I'm not sure what you mean when you say that she never really answered the question. To me it's clear: Both national peril and financial difficulties motivate people to change.</p>
<p>The writer took it differently. Instead of saying what motivates all change, she gave two specific categories.</p>
<p>You also say that because people are becoming more accustomed to writing these SAT essays, the scorers are looking for topics of more "substance." I partially agree with that, but a 12 essay is a 12 essay. An essay that got a 12 a year ago will still get a 12 this year. The readers aren't going to grade an essay in relation to other essays. </p>
<p>I agree that you should try to avoid personal experiences and think of topics from history and/or literature that can be used in pretty much any essay.</p>