Please Grade my essay!

<p>Prompt: What motivates people to change? </p>

<p>Change has been a fundamental value of the world that has made us the way we are today. Change is also the reason we as a world have come so far. Change is something that doens't happen instantantly, rather it is a long process that happens one step at a time. (note: what else should I say?)</p>

<p>The scientific revolution is a great example of something that motivates people to change. Prior to the scientific revolution, for example, the Europeans believed that the earth was at the center of the universe. However, as Copernicus showed through scientific reasoning, this was not true. The universe was not geocentric contrary to popular belief, rather it was heliocentric. The reason he was motivated to show this change was because he wanted to show the truth to the European people. He wanted to further Western Civilization and enhance what they already knew. So therefore, it is understood that one of the key reasons people are motivated to change is to further his or her civilization. </p>

<p>The Russian revolution is yet another example of something that motivates people to change. During this revolution of 1919, the last Czar of Russia was overthrown and what replaced him became known as communism. Whether it was positive or negative it is clear that communism definitely effected the world. The reason communism was put into effect in Russia is simple. Communism brought a needed change to Russia for the Russian people. When the Czars of Russia were in power, in the beginning all was well. However, as the centuries passed by, the Czars became very power hungry and corrupt. This lead to utter chaos in Russia which was not received well by the Russian people. So this was the spark for change in the hearts of the Russian people. Since the people of Russia were not happy, this change had to occur in order to make the people happy. Therefore one can conclude that this is the reason communism came to be and it is yet another example of what motivates people to change. </p>

<p>The 2008 elections of the United States is the final example of what motivates people to change. Prior to these elections that occurred just 8 months back, President George W Bush had started out as a very popular president among the American people. However, over his eight years in office, his approval ratings continued to slip drastically. This once again shows that the people were unhappy with his decision and in order to fix this the people had to elect someone who would bring change to the United States. Realizing this, the now president Barrack Obama formulated an excellent campaign strategy in which he "campaigned for change". And because of his excellent campaigning, as well as the people's motivation for change, he was able to successfully defeat the Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain. </p>

<p>Through these three diverse examples one can see clearly what motivates people to change, and how it turns out to be. Change has always been a huge driving force in the world. From these examples we can see that without this change the world would most definitely not be where we are today. Thus all three of these examples provides us with a great sense of what motivates people to change. </p>

<hr>

<p>So what would you give this essay?
I realize that my third body about the 08 elections may push some hot buttons but I tried to be as unbiased as I could be by just stating the facts. Did it work?</p>

<p>thanks</p>

<p>Motivated-</p>

<p>I am not an expert on the SAT essay portion at all, but here is my 2 cents.</p>

<p>Firstly, did you really write this essay in the 25 minutes given. That essay is really long and even if by some miracle you got it done in time, I do not think that would fit on the two pages given.</p>

<p>Conversely, the examples are good and diverse. I think the readers will really appreciate the deep thought you put into those topics. However, I would definately be careful with your Obama-Bush example. I mean if you are worried about offending people with an example, then you should never use it. (Odds are that the reader will b an Obama-lover though)</p>

<p>Lastly, while the examples are good, I think your fluency needs work. I don’t really want to pick apart the essay, but it really didn’t flow well. At times, I think that the essay I am writing ROCKS, but then I go back and reread it and find it is kind of choppy…that prbly happened to you. Your essay is not bad by any means, but just work on how your essay flows.</p>

<p>Your score would prby be a 9. However, I would not b surprised if you got anywhere between an 8-10.</p>

<p>thanks. Um, I did write 95% of this in the 25 minutes. I just added a sentence or two in the beginning cuz I hardly had an intro. Although I was able to write this much, my handwriting was quite sloppy. So yeah.</p>

<p>oh yeah, and my handwriting is kinda small too, so that might be why it fit. </p>

<p>Anyone else?</p>

<p>bump 10char</p>

<p>I am also not an expert… but here is what I’ve noticed:</p>

<ol>
<li>The essay lacks a thesis (unity) and doesn’t address the question directly.</li>
<li>The introduction is redundant(?) and not engaging.</li>
<li>I agree with the previous poster that you had great/ varied examples but you need to work on your flow.
Think: what is the underlying motivational factor that connects your examples? (This will provide a direct answer to the question and unify your examples)</li>
</ol>

<p>I agree completely with vc72, your essay needs a thesis badly. Not having one throws your essay down into a much lower score range. And remember, if the graders can’t read your writing then you get a 0 automatically. Length does not a good essay make.</p>

<p>your essay doesn’t really have a claim, your example of the russian revolution is erroneous, your example of the “scientific revolution” is merely somewhat less so (although I’m not sure that matters), and your writing style is rather elementary.</p>

<p>I’d say 6-8, although that may be a bit harsh.</p>

<p>lantzk, unfortunately, a long essay does a high score earn.</p>

<p>I got a 12 in May, so I guess you can take my advice seriously… </p>

<p>That said, you essay lacks coherence. You do not address the prompt, and as a result, your essay DOES NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that it wouldn’t score (completely off topic), but that simple fact easily puts this essay in the 7-8 range. </p>

<p>A couple things I want to point out to you that don’t necessarily need changing, but just things that you should keep in mind. </p>

<ol>
<li>All of your examples are political. </li>
<li>Your syntax lacks variation</li>
<li>Not only do you not have a thesis, you do not draw a conclusion at the end either. Something needs to happen in that respect. </li>
<li>If you are going over 25 minutes, you need to write less. You could easily have cut your third paragraph and the essay would have still filled 2 pages. I bet you ironed out some typos typing it up–make sure you leave time to do it on the actual exam.</li>
</ol>

<p>

</p>

<p>If it’s written well, yes. But length is largely independent of the score. Some of the best 12 essays that I have read were concise, dragging out an essay into two pages does not make it good.</p>

<p>Remember, brevity is the soul of wit.</p>