<p>This is my second essay and I don't really like it but i hope you can give me some tips how to improve it.</p>
<p>Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed?</p>
<p>People should be very competitive if they want to succeed. The higher goal the bigger efforts for it. Several examples from literature, sport and personal life clearly demonstrate that people should never give up in competitions the life runs them into.
Jules Vernes Around the World in 80 days shows that the only way for Phileas Fogg to succeed is to win the competition. Some gentlemen from London made a bet for a lot of money that Mr Fogg couldnt round the world in 80 days. Despite all the problems that he and his valet Passepartout met on his way they succeeded for the reason they never gave up.<br>
A lot of examples from sport can prove that in order to succeed people should be highly competitive. The most famous automobile sport is F1. In 2009 the association decided that the key thing in F1 will be not the points, won on different races, but the number of the wins. That proves that the only thing that does really matter is the win.
In my life I have met a lot of competitions in which only the win matters. I have been participating in mathematical competitions for 7 years. When I was 10 years old I did awful in a local competition and that made me want only the first prize. Thats the reason I became really competitive since then and only few months later I was on a national competition. In 2007 I went on an International Olympiad and got 2nd prize. That shows that people have to be highly competitive if they want to succeed.
The win only matters. Thats why people should never give up in trying to achieve their big goals. They should never come to terms with the lose. In order to succeed nothing on the way should be a pitfall. Otherwise the only thing that can be got is the second place in the pursuit.</p>
<p>I can’t give you a grade, but here are my thoughts on how your could improve your essay:</p>
<pre><code>Overall: You seem to address the prompt indirectly, by using your examples to demonstrate that “only the win matters” and then stating as obvious that one must be highly competitive to win. You should focus on how the people in your examples were (or weren’t) competitive, then show how that led them to success/failure. You don’t have to spend so much time defining “success.”
It’s generally not advisable to use examples from sports or your personal life. Graders like to see evidence of academic knowledge, so it’s safest to use examples from history, literature, science, or the arts. Personally, I would have used Darwin’s theory of natural selection and John D. Rockefeller.
Also, the essay hardly uses any sophisticated grammar or vocabulary. Try throwing in a few semicolons or SAT words.
And did you indent your paragraphs in your answer booklet? I’ve heard that helps.
First body paragraph: Good example, but you don’t really explain why Fogg needs to win the competition in order to succeed. And your description of the book is very vague; you could have learned that from reading the book jacket. It might be better to give a specific detail from the book that supports your point, (eg, when Fogg has to purchase an elephant to make it to the next railway station) than to generalize about the whole plot.
Second body paragraph: “The most famous automobile sport is F1.” Really? I’ve never heard of it. It would be helpful to give a one-sentence description of things the grader might not be familiar with. And it’s not clear that the rule change “proves” that winning is all that matters; it just shows that that’s the opinion of some association.
Third body paragraph: You became more competitive and got second prize? But didn’t you just say that first place was all that mattered? In context, this example actually works against your thesis.
General comments: Your strongest points are structure and organization. This is clearly a carefully-planned essay. But maybe next time, you should spend a little less time planning, and more time developing your ideas.
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<p>Thank you guys. StellaNova, thanks a lot for the review. I have some problems in making examples for the essay. I know a lot of things from history but I just can’t come up with them when I see the prompt. I have 2 months to make my essay better.</p>
<p>It<code>s not true that graders don</code>t like examples based on personal life ,sports ,and TV shows .As long as you clearly substantiate your points of view and fill both pages ,I think you can get a perfect score of 12 (or 11)</p>
<p>So long as it takes up almost every bit of white on the designated area, who cares? As long as you start off with your thesis, write concise paragraphs, and keep your grammar solid, then you’re fine. This is not me talking; this is the Mystery Tutor. I used this guy’s advice and got a 12 on my essay.</p>
<p>YEp,his essay advices were awesome.I only listened to him and without writing any practice essays ,I got 9 on my first one that I wrote on the actual test.I know this was immature but I wii try to improve it to 11-12 with some practice</p>
<p>Honestly, the CONTENT doesn’t matter as some users have posted. The Collegeboard is looking for structure and grammar, period. The examples are inconsequential. I got a perfect 12 on the essay.
Check on some awkward verbiage and sytactic issues.
Throw in a few extensive vocabulary words too, that’s all.</p>