<p>Prompt
Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed.</p>
<p>I believe that people definitely have to be highly competitive in order to succeed. Although doing so, some people say, one might resort to underhanded techniques; the truth is that one must be prepared to go to great lengths if he wants to gain superiority in this dog-cat-dog world. A few compelling examples highlight this point.</p>
<p>Success is always achieved through a tough-minded and a focused approach. I experienced this phenomenon in high school. I was always one of the best students in my class but never did I get the first position. This was because I was too nice. I used to go out of my way to help the other not-so-brilliant students. I usually shared tips and techniques with other bright students on academic matters. But then, a friend of mine alerted me to this fact. He told me that if I continued like this, I would never be the best or succeed at anything I did, be it sports, studies etc. Reluctantly, I tried to heed to his advice. Whenever, other top students came to me to discuss things, I tried to ignore them. I stopped sharing academic resources and adopted a single-minded selfish approach towards my studies. The results stunned me. I went from being the 10th best student in the class to the best student. It was then that I realized that in this competitive world, only the fittest and ruthless succeed.</p>
<p>We can observe this phenomenon in sports as well. There used to be a soccer player by the name of Adam Mills. Adam played for a second ties team in his hometown in Liverpool, in England. He was easily the best player in the team, and the whole team depended on him. Adam had attracted a lot of interest from other top teams in the first tier, but he always rejected their offers. He preferred being a hero in his hometown rather than a millionaire playing for the best team in England. But Adam started having financial difficulties and he decided to accept an offer from another team. He joined Chelsea, he doubled his salary and as he had found a big stage to perform on, his talents were noticed by millions. He went on to become of one of the most famous players of his generation and gained money, fame respect doing so. Adam chose to be competitive rather than romantic and it paid off.</p>
<p>In the end, Ill conclude by saying that one has to develop a mean streak and be pragmatic if he wants to succeed.</p>
<p>[ul]Your essay seems narrow-minded and stubborn.In your first example, you're clearly telling the reader that you're a meanie who'll do anything to win: sabotage friendships, bluntly refuse to help others, kill puppies to take over the world. It sounds a little ... evil. Though there's nothing wrong with that, keep in mind that a biased reader can keep it against you.[/ul]</p>
<p>[ul]The second example seems a little unconvincing. Just because Adam Mills took up a job with a bigger paycheck doesn't mean he was competitive - only that he wanted the cash.[/ul]</p>
<p>[ul]Finally, your conclusion:
[quote]
In the end, I’ll conclude by saying that one has to develop a mean streak and be pragmatic if he wants to succeed.
[/quote]
That's probably not a very good way to end your essay. First, there's no need to use "In the end, I'll conclude". Why? You can only conclude in the end. So why state the obvious? There's no need to repeat yourself, unless you can do it with style and wit.
Second, "one has to develop a mean streak" may sound a little harsh or strong.
And finally, try to make your conclusion longer than just one sentence. It should be insightful or provocative, leading the reader awed.[/ul]</p>
<p>[ul]You could've improved your score a bit by using a more sophisticated vocabulary. Your essay sounds a little colloquial.[/ul]</p>
<p>thanks uttaresh...
and abt the conclusion,.that's the part where i always come unstuck,....
if you were writing the conclusion, what'd you say?...</p>
<p>I would advise you ask someone else for an exemplary conclusion. I'm not very good at conclusions myself, but I suppose this would be an improvement:</p>
<p>
[quote]
Clearly, in order to succeed, we need a competitive edge. Though it may sound harsh, it is difficult - if not impossible in today's overly qualified world - for someone to be naively munificent and still realize his or her dreams. No, the attainment of success calls for a more pragmatic and ambitious approach to life.
<p>In the intro don't use "I", if you are writing this then the reader will know that this is your opinion. You want to start with something a little more interesting or at least assertive. "People have to be highly competitive in order to succeed" would have been better and not so wishy-washy. But even that is kind of weak since most likely 90% of the other essays will start with a statement of their opinion. My preferred style is to not necessarily give your opinion right in the beginning but rather in a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.</p>
<p>"The truth is that one must be prepared to go to great lengths if he wants to gain superiority in this dog-<em>e</em>at-dog world."
- That is exactly what I'm talking about, that is your thesis right there, and if you can provide a solid intro leading up to that and finish your first paragraph with that then you are well on your way.</p>
<p>I'm not a fan of using personal examples but to each his own. An essay constructed around examples from books you read in your English class or events in history is much more impressive and shows a deeper understanding/skill level. I always write my SAT essays with a full intro paragraph, 3 body paragraphs (with three different examples), and a full closing paragraph. The real world example such as the soccer player would be a solid example to use for that 3rd example if I was writing this. Though I'd try to summarize the background info more quickly and expand more on how increased competition really made his skill level shine to a new level that he couldn't achieve in the less competitive league or something of that nature. </p>
<p>I also hate one line conclusions. In Rocket Review (amazing tool for acing the SAT essay btw) the author mentions how the reader spends a max 60 sec reading your essay so naturally they will pay the most attention to the opening and closing. Present a good opening and you're on your way to a good score. Towards the end of the essay they probably zone out a little and then "come back" for the conclusion so if you have one line that doesn't say much about your essay. If it has close to two full pages then a one line closing will just affirm that you wrote a decent essay but didn't tie everything together at the end, hence an 'average' score, 8. If you want a 10+ you generally need a solid closing.</p>
<p>The closing is very tough to write. Generally you can start with a restating of your thesis (NOT word for word though). Perhaps try something like this:</p>
<p>"Throughout the ages humans have had to stretch their comfort zones to achieve the desired success in this competitive world. Whether it be high school challenges or soccer competitions on the world stage, people have always displayed a competitive edge to advance themselves. While in an ideal society everyone would always have sufficient opportunities to achieve "success", the truth is that there will always be competition amongst humans as everyone strives to find their niche in the success bubble.</p>