Please grade my last practice essay before the SAT!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Prompt:</p>

<p>"Making decisions is something we all struggle with. We worry that we need more time to think things through, or that we need more information, or that we will simply make the wrong decision regardless. But inaction gets you nowhere. Even a bad decision can teach us something valuable."</p>

<p>Adapted from Alicia Smith</p>

<p>Assignment: Is making a bad decision better than making no decision at all?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<pre><code>Indecision is a disease that plagues even the most decisive people. The debate between options is one that everyone has faced, and often, people will ponder about the other option even after a resolution has been made. However, considering the liabilities that could follow a bad decision, no decision at all is a better option to pick.
</code></pre>

<p>In America, land of the free and home of the bald eagles, lies a terrible disease that has plagued the nation. Classified as "morbid obesity" in most established medical journals, over one third of the country is overweight or obese. Of course, most weight gain does not occur overnight, but rather, from poor diet and exercise habits. Sedentary lifestyles have translated from elders to youngsters as childhood obesity is also on an alarming rise. Millions of people, as evidenced by the statistical data, have evidently made the wrong choice to continue on with an unhealthy lifestyle. Weight gain is the culmination of thousands of seemingly insignificant bad decisions you make: the decision between healthy home-cooked meals and take out, the decision to go out on a run instead of lounge in front of the television set, and finally, the decision to make that bad decision. If no decision has been made, there can be no outcome, and as a result, in this scenario, no weight gain.
Summer time in Japan means outdoor festivals, watermelon, and last but not least, horror movies. The cold sweat generated by macabre films is enough to make anyone cool off from the hot humid weather. Often, audience members will find themselves admonishing the characters in horror movies for making the foolhardy decision to venture into the face of danger. There are no lessons or valuable insights that can be gained from dying a morbid death that could have been prevented by staying put and making no decision at all. Typically, the average horror movie starts off with one bad decision made by the protagonist(s), which opens up a Pandora's Box of troubles. If no foolish decision had been made, the plot could not have continued, and there would be no horror movie.
Making a bad decision equates to resigning yourself to dig yourself out of the hole you create as a consequence to your decision. Although you may gain valuable insight, the added burden of fixing that decision is not worth the lessons you learn. For it may literally be the decision you make, whether you are a horror movie character or a person struggling with his or her weight.</p>

<p>The essay section to me is the hardest, and the one I fear the most. I would appreciate if you gave me some advice on how to improve my essay style in time for test day. A grade would also be awesome, since I have no idea how to grade my own without bias. I'm not even sure if the examples I used were valid!</p>

2

<p>Your argument is a mess. I don’t see how not taking action against weight gain is better than continuing with bad dieting. You should’ve used a better example. Also, why did you waste 4 sentences talking about horror movies and Japan? That’s blatant digressing. Moreover, the part about horror movies doesn’t address the prompt well enough. So horror movies start with bad decisions, huh? Cool, I guess. Finally, despite talking about how bad decisions may help one gain insight, you never provide any examples or evidence that supports such a conclusion. Overall, you seriously need better examples, more meat, and less fluff. On the other hand, your mechanics and style are nice (there are dangling modifiers, errors in parallelism and some redundancies, however).</p>

<p>My biggest issue with this essay is that you aren’t convincing the reader well enough. You need clear, cogent and concise arguments. The best way to practice generating arguments is to print out a ton of prompts and answer them all in short bullet points (no need to write a full essay). Then, try to evaluate how relevant the points are and think about ways to expand on those points. After some practice, you should be able to find clear, pertinent examples with no problems. </p>

<p>You’re lucky because the SAT is more about how you write the argument than the argument itself. I don’t think you’ll have any problems with getting a 8/12 or 9/12. However, you’ll need to work for an 11/12 or a 12/12.</p>

3

<p>I think another example would have been better. Also, try cutting back on superflous descriptions like “In America, land of the free and home of the bald eagles, lies a terrible disease that has plagued the nation.” I’d have replaced it with, “In America, bad decision making has led to the rise of morbid obesity.” Not only do you get straight to the point, you also save yourself more time for writing. </p>

<p>It seems you’re using these descriptions to force in SAT words. Don’t force words in like “plague,” “macabre” or “admonishing.” Rather, focus on using appropriate words, like “indecisiveness,” that support your argument.</p>

<p>Try to flow between paragraphs more. The flow between your two body paragraphs was a bit sudden. You could write something like “Outside of America, we can also see lessons against bad decisions. In Japan, horror movie protagonists who decide to open ‘Pandora’s Box’ make a bad decision and, in their cases, no decision would have saved their lives.” Notice how I managed to cut that entire second paragraph into two sentences. You could then give a concrete example from a movie you saw. </p>

<p>You seem to have a good handle on structure, which is good, just focus more on telling and less on showing. Also work on transitions. I’d give this essay a 8 or a 9.</p>

<p>Here is how I would write the essay:</p>

<p>Sometimes we have to act, and sometimes we chose bad decisions. Alicia Smith argues that a bad decision can be made into a positive. However, not every bad decision can be turned around, and those that can often prove to be too difficult to undo and the reward for undoing it not worthwhile. </p>

<p>In America, obesity has taken over the nation. Millions are now overweight and have a significant health risk. Unfortunately, it is the bad decisions that these people made that got them in this situation: chocolate vs. celery, television vs. jogging. The action required to undo their bad decisions is not trivial and the reward may not be worthwhile. In this case, a bad decision (or series of bad decisions) and its consequences could have been avoided by not taking a decision in the first place. </p>

<p>This lesson is also seen in literature. Often times, novels will have a main character who makes a bad decision that then they cannot get out of. In <em>Frankenstein</em>, Dr. Frankenstein decides to assemble together a human out of body parts and re-animate the body. The creature is exiled and on its return, kills two people and effectively sends another to death, a burden that must be dealt with by Dr. Frankenstein. Had Dr. Frankenstein chosen to not build the body, or instead, accept the creature, the book would have ended much different. However, as a result of his foolish actions, the monster killed three people, offering little solace for Dr. Frankenstein. </p>

<p>A final lesson on bad decisions can be seen in history. Napoleon Bonaparte, in his quest to conquer Europe, had foolishly invaded Russia in June of 1812. Unfortunately for him, the winter was excessively harsh and his men ill-prepared, a decision that would cost him the war. Despite his attempts at comebacks, the French Army was pushed back and the areas captured liberated. Napoleon’s bad decision led to him lose the empire he curated and the war he had launched.</p>

<p>While in some cases a bad decision can be undone, often times it isn’t worth the effort or is even impossible. As seen in America, literature and history, bad decisions can be the downfall of a person or even an entire nation, often times leaving the person with little solace or a trivial lesson to be learned.</p>

4

<p>Thank you so much for the constructive criticism! I will definitely take your advice to heart, since it’s pretty much spot on. I received a nine on my first SAT test, and in June I will take my second run on the SAT.</p>

5

<p>I see what you mean about fluff. I was always told that filling the two pages was enough for the reader. I worry about not being able to construct a decent sized essay within the time constraints, so I tend to ramble when I’m writing the SAT essay.</p>