Please grade this essay

Test Preparation
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<p>Hi, can you guys grade this essay, I can't grade it myself because I'm biased against myself. The original errors are still in the essay. (a lot of stupid errors and poor word choice)</p>

<p>People sometimes refuse to acknowledge or learn from the lessons of history. Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel writes, “You’ll try to incite people to learn from the past and rebel, but they will refuse to believe you. They will not listen to you.” But many believe that understanding the past is necessary to life in the present. Swiss philosopher of history Jacob Burckhardt notes that historical knowledge is not “to make us more clever the next time, but wiser for all time.” </p>

<p>Assignment: What is your opinion of the claim that without adequate knowledge of the past, we cannot truly understand the present? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<pre><code> Without adequate knowledge of the past, one cannot truly understand the present. Though there have at times many this has been ignored, without the knowledge of the past the truth of the present cannot be found. Two examples can represent this claim: the invasion of Russia by Germany during World War Two and the battles of a famous Greek General during the Spartan War.
</code></pre>

<p>During the beginning of World War Two, Germany was at the height of its power. Having defeaten the majority of Europe and Britain’s vital ally, France, it seemed to the Germans that no one can stop them. This gave them a lot of confidence, so much confidence that they wanted to take the bold step of invading Russia. Soon they decided on invading Russia, which was a horrible decision. Many know that the famous Napolean Bonaparte of France was defeated by the Russians during the same circumstances of Germany, which is after defeating nearly the whole continent of Europe. Just like their French predecessors, Germany’s invasion of Russia was a disaster. It was so disastious that it brought about the fall the German Nazi regime. This was also the result after Napoleon’s defeat in Russia, in which he lost his army and was sent into exile. These historical events show that without the understanding of the past, one would commit the same mistakes and never truly understand how to deal with the present.</p>

<p>Another event that shows that knowing the past can truly lead to comprehension of the present is the Spartan War. By 483 B.C., Sparta, a Greek city, became the most poweful city in the region. Neighboring cities became frightened and declared war on Sparta. During the last battle, a general named Marus Flavilis of the second battilion headed the Spartan Army. By studying history, and past wars with these enemy cities that he was fighting, Marus was able to defeat them. This shows that by understanding the past, one can understand the present. </p>

<p>With the events shown, both show that without adequate knowledge of the past, one can never truly understand the present.</p>

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<p>My opinion:
score: 3/6
weak points:
1. less reasoning
2. two similar examples (about war)
3. both examples are not powerful.
4. a weak end
5. shorter</p>

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<p>regrade:
score: 4/6
1. less reasoning
2. both examples are not powerful.
3. a weak end
4. shorter (350 words)</p>

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<p>i would also say 8/12</p>

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<p>Okay, thanks for grading my essay.</p>

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<p>3/6</p>

<p>keep practicing. i see you're using the gramatix method (or i think so). thats what i use and usually get 10's and sometimes 11's on the essays graded by the college board. but thats after a lot of prac.</p>

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<p>harry3437,</p>

<p>how did you get a grade from CB?
are they free?
thanks in advance</p>

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<p>I would grade it a 7/12, maybe even an 8/12. </p>

<p>There were some noticeable grammatical mistakes, which lessened the quality of the piece. For example, when you said, "Having defeaten...," my eyes literally gauged out at such a blatant error. </p>

<p>You shouldn't have used two examples from history. After awhile, this essay feels lackluster. I believe if you had used a greater variety of examples, it might've created more vitality to your piece. </p>

<p>Also, even though, your first example is longer, it becomes superfluous at times while the second example feels more compact because of its brevity. I think we can both agree that your examples are weak. It's not so much the examples themselves, though, as it is your reasoning and logic. If you worked on developing your reasoning in an essay, then I'm sure this essay will improve.</p>

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<p>the CB has an online sat prep thing that goes along with the blue book. It isn't free its lik 60 bux, but its great because it'll grade my essays on practice tests and i won't have to grade it myself</p>

<p>+it has lots of practice quizzes and extra practice tests</p>

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<p>harry,
thank you for your message.</p>

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<p>Thanks, and yes I do use/trying to use the Grammatrix method. I noticed that I had many stupid mistakes:"Having defeaten" (I noticed after I read my essay over but for some reason I didn't realize it during the heat of the mnoment while writing the essay. The reason why my second paragraph was shorter than the first was because I was running out of time at the end. Anyone have any advice on becoming faster in writing the essay besides just practice, but I doubt there is any other way... About the reasoning, should I look at my essay and try to revise it in order to make it have a better agrument as practice or does that not work as practice</p>

<p>Question about the CB online course- How many times can it grade the essays? Infinite times or is there a limit?</p>

<p>One last question- Am I writing my intro correctly? What kind of things should one include in the opening and closing paragraphs?</p>

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<p>I want give out my opinion about the opening paragraph.
In the paragraph, at first you should write what is your claim. It is necessary. you did.
----"Without adequate knowledge of the past, one cannot truly understand the present."
but your following sentence is weak. I think it repeats the first sentence only.
---"Though there have at times many this has been ignored, without the knowledge of the past the truth of the present cannot be found."</p>

<p>Secondly, I think you have to write why you give the claim, namely writing reasoning here. You did not write.</p>

<p>Thirdly, you may mention the examples following the paragraph. You did.
---"Two examples can represent this claim: the invasion of Russia by Germany during World War Two and the battles of a famous Greek General during the Spartan War."</p>

<p>the sentence tells readers what you will write. It is good.</p>

<p>I have not read any essay practice books, so I wrote only what I thought.</p>

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<p>I would go with the others and award this essay a 3 or a 4.
An introduction is a very improtant part of the essay because it hooks the reader onto the rest of it. Your introduction falls flat and so does the conclusion.
The plus point of your essay is the detailed and clear description of the examples you use to state your point. However, the first example needs some trimming.
In a topic like this a personal experience of someone whom you know would fit in quite well. You can take the example and relate it to understanding more about life - lets say learning the importance of time, opportunities, quick but effective decision making, etc.
The sentence construction and grammar could be much better- try to write crisp sentences with a few complex sentences wherever required.</p>

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<p>Frankly, I am not an excellent writer but i have lots of editting experience so I have tried to edit the first example for you:</p>

<p>"When the second World War began, Germany was at the height of its power. Having defeated the majority of Europe including Britain’s vital ally, France, the Germans thought that they were unbeatable. Their complacency made them over-confident and they decided to invade Russia. This was clearly a very rash decision as many knew that French General Napolean Bonaparte army was crushed by the Russians in the same circumstances as Germany was at that time. They decided not to learn from Napolean's mistakes and Germany’s invasion of Russia was a meltdown. Not only did it weaken Germany it bought with it the fall of the entire Nazi regime. This event in history just goes to show how valuable are the lessons that we learn from past experiences and that severe consequences awaits those who refuse to learn from them. "</p>

<p>If you notice this is about a 40-50 words shorter than yours and has all the relevant details that support the point you are trying to prove. Moreover you can use the rest of the time and space to write about something else.</p>

<p>I just thought of a one-liner for your conclusion( you might have heard it before but anyway) : 'LIFE TEACHES THOSE WHO REFUSE TO LEARN FROM OTHER PEOPLES EXPERIENCES'</p>

<p>Hope that helps!!</p>

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<p>Thanks jm_87, your elucidation has been very helpful.</p>