Please Help: Activity Statement

Colleges and Universities A-Z University of Wisconsin
1

<p>I am looking for tips on my activity statement. Here it is:</p>

<p>"Hockey is the most important activity to me because it is my passion and the activity to which I have devoted the most time. My desire to improve and love for the game have driven me to spend much of my time training specifically for hockey both during and outside the season. As a result, I have earned a spot on the varsity team every year, and playing at this level has been especially rewarding. Moreover, I take my position as a varsity captain seriously, so I also dedicate time to leading and organizing team activities year-round."</p>

<p>What do you think? Should I add more? Should I talk more about anything in specific?</p>

2

<p>It is a good start. It needs more work. Meet with an English teacher at your school for some constructive criticism. Include how you have learned critical time management skills through balancing academic and extracurricular demands, and have developed leadership skills while mentoring younger players. </p>

3

<p>Yes, add more. I don’t know if there is a word limit, but you have a good deal of “fluff” in there where you can cut out words that don’t add details. After reading this paragraph, all I know is you really, really love hockey and played varsity 4 years and are the varsity captain. </p>

<p>You should include statements about specifics - I like the suggestions made by Madison85. You could also add details like the position you play, why you love hockey, some tidbit about a best memory.</p>

4

<p>What do OTHERS say about you and hockey. Mine that for some ways to brighten up this blurb. Good start. </p>

5

<p>trying to figure how to do mine too, good luck </p>

6

<p>Is this any better?</p>

<p>“Hockey is the most important activity to me because it is my passion and has had the most profound impact on my life. I love hockey because it offers an opportunity to fulfill my desire to win. Being rewarded with a win at the varsity level after training all year has taught me the importance of hard work. Furthermore, as a two-year captain, I have learned to lead others through difficult circumstances. Through hockey I have also met my best friends; I am now deeply bonded with teammates I would not have greeted in the hallway otherwise.”</p>

<p>Is “difficult circumstances” too broad?</p>

7

<p>What is the word limit? </p>

<p>Have you learned to balance academics and sports while excelling at both through self-discipline and time management skills?</p>

8

<p>100 words. I have learned that, but I wrote the most important things to me. I guess I could replace the last two sentences.</p>

9

<p>Definitely get some input from your English teacher. Much redundancy in your statement-fluff… You sound one dimensional.</p>