<p>I've just joined this forum because I need help and advice...Here is my situation:</p>
<p>I have a 13 year old niece who has been attending a good, private Day School since she started school. She will turn 14 in early January. Her parents are divorced. Her mother is my sister. Unfortunately, Helen (not her real name) has been dealt a terrible hand in the parent department! Her father and stepmother are alcoholics and her mother meets the general criteria for being a sociopath (and I'm being 100% serious here...) I do not have children and Helen is my only niece - there is nothing I wouldn't do for her and believe me, I am trying to get her out of this situation. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, people like my sister and brother-in-law do not interact very well with people like me - they don't like to be exposed. I approached my father, Helen's granfather and asked him if he would split the cost of Boarding School with me. The only way this plan would work, is if the grandfather makes the offer to pay the entire tuition - leaving me out of "the plan" but asking me to over see the application process, visits, interviews...on his behalf. </p>
<p>Helen is thrilled with the prospect of Boarding School! We sat together and answered all the application questions and she wrote her essays...she is scheduled to take the SSAT this Saturday.</p>
<p>Neither her father or mother are willing to sign the application! She may not even be allowed to take the test this weekend. They want her to attend public school. They have said "this must mean you don't love us anymore, you just want to leave us, you are so selfish to ask us to come to your games (she plays field hockey, lacrosse & basketball) on the weekends, who's going to do your chores..."</p>
<p>The headmaster and upper school master are completely mistified and running out of ideas!</p>
<p>I'm sorry to be so long. Has anyone out there EVER heard of such a scenario? Can anyone offer advice to a desperate Aunt who is afraid consulting an attorney will only make her niece's home-life more difficult?</p>
<p>I've got a niece I'd sell my soul for, and my heart goes out to you. I can tell you that as a general rule, the power of non-custodial relatives is extremely limited. The Supreme Court recently ruled that a custodial parent can prevent a non-custodial grandparent from having any contact with the child, even if both grandparent and child desire the contact and even if there is no allegation that the grandparents behaved inappropriately. You'll have to talk to a lawyer if you want to consider other alternatives. Maybe someone on the board with expertise in dealing with addicts and the personality-disordered can give you advice about negotiating with them.</p>
<p>If there is any way you can get even one of the parents to visit one of the schools, do it! There is a good chance they will be won over. In the meantime, see if you or the grandfather can beg them to leave the options open and let her take the test and submit the applications. By the way, it IS possible to take the SSAT at a private sitting with a consultant who is licensed to administer the test. There is a fee for this, but don't panic if she misses the test this weekend. My son didn't take the SSAT until February of the year he applied. Also, post on the Prep School section of this forum if you haven't already.
Keep us posted and let me know if I can help. My kids attended boarding school and I have done a lot of research.</p>
<p>The Head Master & Upper School Master were able to work a little magic and Helen was allowed to take the SSAT today!</p>
<p>There will be another meeting with the parents at the school on Monday (I was not invited of course) so we will see if they will actually sign the Applications at this meeting.</p>
<p>Thank you for your replies and advice - it's good to know others are out there and pulling for Helen. She really is such a great kid!</p>
<p>Just a suggestion, here. Next time you do something like this, once the payment is arranged, there should be some discussion among the young lady, grandpop and the parents about the plans. No one likes a done deal stuck in front of them for a signature, and I don't doubt that they smelled "rat", namely YOU in the picture which could squash the deal. I think it is wonderful that you are being your niece's angel. I think you are aware of the strain in your relationship with niece's parents, and you need to somehow choreograph things so that it looks like, at least, in part that it was their idea. I have a mother in law that has to be delicately approached with things, which is a real pain, but we get much better results that way. Difficult to me to do since I really prefer a direct approach but with all of my kids and problems and need to get things done, I go the easiest route.</p>
<p>Just a suggestion...if Helen goes to this boarding school, it is critical that she be placed in counseling at the school on a regular basis, so that when she does return home to that nightmare during summers and breaks, she will be equipped to handle the jealousy, rage, resentment, etc, that her mother will no doubt exhibit toward her as a sociopath. It does not seem reasonable that her parents should have to approve this. I would hope there would be some way around that. Keep up the great work! Helen really needs you.</p>
<p>Thanks for your reply Sunshadow. Sounds like you know a little about Sociopaths...Yes, we (the granfather and I) will alert the school of her need for counselling - something she is supposed to be receiving now, but alas, her parents never take her?</p>
<p>As to Cptofthehouse, I appreciate your comments as well. The parents and Helen were more than aware of the fact that Helen's granfather has offered to pay her full tuition for Boarding School before any action was taken. Both parents were in agreement and Helen was thrilled. It is only when the time comes to take some action and be responsible that we run into problems and yes, I am always the "RAT." Not a very noble title, but a role I am honored to play!</p>
<p>For me, doing nothing is the same as participating in the abuse. I just can't do that.</p>