Please help me with my common app essay

College Essays
1

The question was: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I wrote my essay on the moments that made me want to become a neonatologist. Here it is, please comment and critique

I was only 11 years old when I realized what path I wanted my life to take. The frantic rushing to the hospital, running through the hallways of the maternity unit, and rushing past the nursery to finally meet what would eventually change my life. My newborn cousin had just been born and she was the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on. I fell in love with every detail of her gentle face, her little hands and teensy toes. I realized she was the missing puzzle piece I never realized I needed. Valentina ignited the passion that would steer my life, my passion for children.

Fast-forward a couple years and I have taken care of her as an infant, a toddler, and now a 6-year-old child. Caring for someone else other than myself and teaching them about the basics and intricacy of life has molded me into a nurturing young woman. My experiences have given me the ability to connect with both babies and toddlers wherever I go. The desire to take care of children led me to become a part of my high school’s preschool program to aid and teach children. The bond I created with each individual child filled me with inexplicable happiness and the experience enhanced my skills more and more every day. However, I had not thought about linking medicine with children until November of 2013.

November 19 of 2013, my older 26-year-old cousin Jonathan was involved in a tragic car accident where he was instantly killed. That horrifying day, that seemed more like a nightmare we all hoped to wake up from, completely changed my life and the lives of my family. Every single day, every holiday, and every birthday is no longer the same. Although the grief has lessened as time passes, the absence of his cheerful and energetic presence is deeply felt. The distress I felt for my aunt and uncle going through the inexplicable pain of losing a child made me want to prevent a tragedy from happening to anyone else’s child. I realized I wanted to save lives and prevent disasters to spare other people the pain my family went through. By combining my desire to help lives and my passion for children, I wanted to become a Neonatologist

My identity was molded by the love I give and receive from Valentina and other kids, alongside with my personal need to save lives. I am happy to say that I am the person who lives to put others before myself and I brighten my own day by helping others. However, as much as I strive to help everyone, life has taught me that the future is undecided and can be changed in the blink of an eye. I can only hope and work hard to accomplish the goals I have set in mind. I know for a fact that it is not my aptitude with kids that will take me where I am meant to go, but my relentless passion that will open doors for me.

2

This is a good start, and hooray for neonatology! Some things to think about, though.

  1. These events may have led you to your career aspirations, but do they really sum up your *identity*? How you view yourself and the world, the things you like to do, etc.
  2. You have to do a little more elaboration on some of the things you say. You can love your baby cousin, but how did that lead to a passion for all children? Also, why neonatology and not pediatrics? You seem to love the long-term care and relationships, and have experience working with young children. You can't really do that as a neonatologist. You play an important role in directing the course of their care and can build rapport with families, but in between your rounds, nurses are the ones staying with and caring for the babies. And you can also save lives in Emergency Medicine and the ICU.
  3. You need more showing and less telling. I want to learn about how you and Valentina interact, and what that conveys about the kind of person you are. Write anecdotes. Give examples; tell me about what you do on a day-to-day basis that affirms that neonatology is the right field for you. Prove that you put others before yourself and that you have the passion to do whatever it takes to become a neonatologist.

Also, it’s good practice to private message people your essays instead of posting them, because they can be plagiarized.

3

Thank you! I felt like I wanted to talk more about how it affected me. A college fair once told me its 20% the story and 80% the effect it had on me. I will definitely revise it. Thank you