please help me with my essay

College Essays
1

<p>Hello every1~!</p>

<p>here's my essay, please give me some constructive feedback! thx...</p>

<hr>

<p>My parents are getting older as I can see from their faces. My father work twelve hours a day regardless to his physical situation with the problem with his leg. My mother is infected by throat illness and she cannot survive without medicine. My both parents are working hard day-and-night so my siblings and I can stand up to our feet. I do not know whether I will ever be able to pay pack what my parents are doing for me and my siblings, but the least I can do is provide them comfort for the rest of their lives. </p>

<pre><code>I am working at Dunkin Donuts fifteen hours a week to support my parents. I also plan to work part-time once I get into college. My short-term goals are to gain an invaluable education for a financially secure future to support my parents, and server my community. In the long-term, I want to pursue doctoral degree in philosophy or physics and teach at university-level. I find no major difference in these subjects as they both seek questions about the universal knowledge. [I think something should be added here; but there is nothing that comes to my mind]

Surely, my transcript and my SAT scores do not show my intellectual curiosity. But it should be understood that I was not able to take any SAT prep courses due to my limited financial resources. In addition, first time I learnt about SAT was during my junior year and had very limited time to prepare myself using prep books. Over the summer 2006, I was working two jobs and could not have enough time to study for the SAT. But apart from all that, I believe I have enough potential to make my dreams reality, and server myself to my community.
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2

<p>Grammar:</p>

<p>My parents are getting older*,* as I can see from their faces.(1) My father <b>works</b> twelve hours a day regardless of his physical situation with the problem with his leg. (2) My mother is infected by throat illness(3) and she cannot survive without medicine. My both parents are working hard day and night so that my siblings and I can stand up on our feet. I do not know whether I will ever be able to pay back what my parents are doing for me and my siblings, but the least I can do is provide them comfort for the rest of their lives.</p>

<p>I work at Dunkin Donuts fifteen hours a week to support my parents(4). I also plan to work part-time once I get into college.(5) My short-term goals are to gain an invaluable education for a financially secure future to support my parents, and serve my community.(6) In the long-term, I want to pursue doctoral degree in philosophy or physics and teach as a university professor. I find no major difference in these subjects as they both seek questions about the universal knowledge.(7) [I think something should be added here; but there is nothing that comes to my mind]</p>

<p>Surely, my transcript and my SAT scores do not show my intellectual curiosity.(8) However, it should be understood that I was not able to take any SAT prep courses due to my limited financial resources.(9) In addition, first time I learned about the SAT was in my junior year*; thus, I* had very limited time to prepare myself using prep books. Over the summer 2006, I was working two jobs and could not have enough time to study for the SAT.(10) But apart from all that, I believe I have <b>the</b> potential to make my dreams reality, and serve myself to my community.</p>

<p>Critique:
(1) Show, not tell. Deep wrinkles? Weary glossy eyes?
(2) Awkward phrase. Maybe "[...] even with his ailing leg"? Would be advisable to put in what that is, too.
(3) Just a suggestion - My mother contracted an infection of the throat... (and is this a chronic condition?)
(4) "To support my family" sounds a lot more fluid, but this is personal opinion.
(5) Colleges may or may not want to hear this. It's a gamble of a line.
(6) Long-winded sentence, disjointed thoughts. "I'd like to be financially secure enough to afford care for my parents. It would be wonderful to aid the community as well." Education should be kept exclusive - don't want to give them the impression that you are applying to get a job. Show interest in your studies.
(7) Superfluous information. I suggest that you excise this, because it doesn't pertain to the main idea of the essay.
(8) "Surely?" That bears a connotation of almost arrogance, IMO, and is a bit of a risk. Just remove that word, and it's fine.
(9) Bad, bad, bad tact. They generally look down on those courses, you know, and the ethics behind taking them.
(10) Don't blatantly apportion blame to circumstance. No one likes to hear excuses. Focus on the positive.</p>

<p>Overall:</p>

<p>Your essay lacks cohesiveness. The last paragraph was incongruous with the rest, focusing on SAT scores instead of your struggle with personal and situational hardships. Don't make excuses for circumstances; show that you can overcome them, or at least, cope with them. Also, I suggest a proper conclusion (if not the outright replacement of the third paragraph); it is currently a little weak.</p>

<p>I know I'm being harsh, but in my opinion, this essay needs substantial work. Take it with a grain of salt, though; I'm just one person.</p>

<p>Hey, at least it is largely grammatically correct now. ;)</p>

3

<p>
[quote]
able to pay pack what my parents are doing for me and my siblings

[/quote]

it's, "my siblings and me."</p>

4

<p>"Over the summer 2006" should be "Over the summer of 2006,"</p>

<p>I agree with PrescitedEntity that overall, the essay lacks focus, although it's really hard to tell without a prompt. It's more of an autobiography than a college essay, with the possible exception of the second paragraph in which you mention some goals. Structurally, the essay is awkard: the first paragraph serves to set the context (good), the second serves to explain goals/ambitions (good, except you introduce the paragraph saying that you work at Dunkin Donuts, so topic sentence is misleading), and the final paragraph states an explanation to your SATs/grades (what? where does this come in with reference to above paragraphs?).</p>

<p>In college essays, it's always better to focus on the positive over the negative. From reading your essay, I get a negative vibe (you list obstacle after obstacle, which understandably affected your performance in school, but there are ways you can describe the situation optimistically, like focusing on your inspirations, your strengths, your perseverance, etc. but subtly, not boa****lly). </p>

<p>Otherwise, I like how your essay is concrete. It's not just a bunch of vague ramblings - you get into detail about what you want to pursue in life and about the situation that you've gone through to support your family. Just make it a bit happier. :)</p>

5

<p>When is your essay due?</p>

<p>I really think you should start over again, if you have time. The purpose of the essay is for the school to get to know you, the essence of you. Your essay seems to be a collection of facts, situation, and life challenges. The last paragraph is something most college essay books warn people to avoid. I just don't get a sense of who you are after reading the essay.</p>

<p>So, think for a bit . . . what do you really want them to know about you?? What makes you unique? Why would they want you at their school?</p>

<p>Also, most applications allow for the applicant to say something that hasn't been covered elsewhere in the application. That would be the perfect place for you to write about your challenges at home, need to work to help support your family, and ability to keep your grades at an acceptable level (though they could be better without that obligation).</p>

<p>Feel free to PM me if you'd like to throw around some new ideas.</p>