Ok, So I have a bit of an ethical dilemma. Dartmouth is one of my dream schools and I’ll be attending there in the fall. I know basically everything there is to know about it (including several admissions officers) because I used to live in Hanover and basically still do (like 2 hours away).
One of my best friends was waitlisted there and he asked me to write him a peer rec for his application update. I agreed of course because he’s a great friend of mine and he really wants to go despite being accepted to some top LAC’s and recruited for tennis. But after I agreed to write it, he started talking to me more about it. He basically told me the only reason why he wants to go is that it’s an ivy league school and was really upset that he’d been rejected to the other Ivies and really lashed out, even though he’s not exactly the most academic person ( by Ivy standards).
I really dislike the whole elitism thing, and I know the admins at Dartmouth do too. I really want him to succeed but I don’t think I can in good conscious give him my highest recommendation to an institution I respect so much, when he has essentially boiled it down to “well it’s an Ivy,so it will have to do”. At the same time, I feel that if I withdraw this offer it would probably end our friendship. It means so much to him to go to an Ivy that he’s kinda written off his other options and seeing this sort of behaviour come out of the wood work makes me second guess recommending him for anything.
I was thinking of writing the letter (he won’t be able to find anyone else) but maybe casually mentioning his interest in Dartmouth’s prestige? I don’t want to sink him, but I don’t think it’s unfair to casually mention something he’s stated so vehemently.
Think of it this way – almost everyone at Dartmouth thinks about it like your friend does. I’d ignore his comments and write about the qualities that would make him an asset at any college.
Here’s the ethical guideline for writing recommendation letters:
- If you agree to write one, that means you *want* to recommend the person and *are willing* to do so.
- If you are ambivalent or *don't* want to recommend the person, the ethical response is *not to write* for them. When I was a school teacher, my response in these cases was to say, "you should ask someone else; I'm not the right person to ask." It's not a fun conversation, but it's in the other party's best interest.
- Writing a sabotage letter--even a "coded" one--is unethical and you absolutely should not do it. That is *not* a *recommendation* in the proper sense of the word.
Write a letter about your friend, not about why he wants to attend Dartmouth. Focus not on the institution he wants to attend, but on his personality, what you’ve done together that made you friends, etc.
Congratulations on Dartmouth!
“I agreed of course because he is a great friend of mine and he really wants to go”
Nothing has changed here. Write a solidly enthusiastic letter for him. The elitism thing is YOUR issue, so keep it out of the letter.
What everyone said. But as a friend, you’re free to question him directly about his motivations. Maybe you can be helpful to him in embracing other alternatives.
Agree with all above posters.
OP: I would wager to say that the majority of applicants to Dartmouth have never visited campus or know all that much about it, so then why would so many highly-qualified applicants apply to a relatively small school in Hanover, New Hampshire of all places? I think the answer is prestige. Don’t hold it against the kid; if it bothers you, then don’t write the letter.
It is completely and totally unfair to mention it. Either write the letter without backstabbing him or turn him down. I doubt you are his only friend. They want a letter from a peer, it does not have to be a peer who attends Dartmouth. Let him know immediately, how long have you been dragging your feet on this?
Are you a member of the admissions committee? Child of a member? Otherwise how would you know? Sure, these ivies care nothing about prestige, that is why they carefully cultivate their numbers with ED and a bunch of other techniques. Prestige means donations from alumni which means money for programs and salaries. Sure numbers mean nothing, which is why people on various forums (have not been to Dartmouth’s) have discussions on whether the admit rate was 7.4% or 7.6%, like it matters for anything other than prestige.
As someone else said, this sounds like your issue more than his.
You still care about your friendship, so as others have said, write about why his friendship is important to you.
Write a completely positive letter. It would be unfair to mention what he told you in confidence.
“even though he’s not exactly the most academic person ( by Ivy standards).”
@cowtownbrown I get the sense that you don’t want your friend to attend Dartmouth because you think he isn’t as qualified or deserving as you are. You’re going to find plenty of the “elitism thing” at Dartmouth btw. Write him a great review, focus on the positives. That’s what great teachers do when they write recommendations for their students, they aren’t pointing out the flaws, which we all have. There’s a reason why its called a “recommendation”.
@doschicos What I meant is that he was surprisingly aggressive towards other people who got admitted at schools that he got rejected from in spite of the fact that they were more (objectively) academically qualified. Like he made a comment about A.A working to the advantage of a girl who got into Stanford (his top choice) but she had better stats anyways so… I’m not sure what that was about. I don’t think he’s less capable or less inherently qualified, just less test score/ gpa qualified than some other kids. I understand fully that test scores aren’t indicative of someone’s ability, only their ability to take that test. I felt pretty uncomfortable with the way he started bashing kids who got in though and the way he acted like it was someone’s fault that he didn’t get it. These are the things that made me question writing him a letter, but I had already committed to doing so when he started to talk like this to me.
I feel that it will be difficult for me to write the best letter, all mentions of anything aside. I’ve seen a side of him that has really made me reevaluate my opinion of him and I don’t know that I am capable of completely ignoring what has happened in the last week or so and writing objectively. Additionally, seeing him take that kind of attitude towards rejection has made me second guess whether I want to put my name to a letter of rec. I mean my name is hardly anything special, but I do have a personal relationship with the app reader for his region and I feel that if I were to give him my highest recommendation and then be confronted about it later it could be very awkward. I’ve asked him to ask someone else because I also have mid-terms right now and I’m slowly withering away at the thought of my AP exams looming on the horizon…
Sounds like a good call.
I think your additional comments give more explanation as to your reticence to write the recommendation. It sounds like your friend’s behavior in the face of disappointment was a bit on the ugly side. Ahhh, the green-eyed monster.
So, would your friend be taking a gap year in the hopes of getting into the one Ivy he hadn’t applied to? (I’d assumed he was a junior. )
@MYOS1634 If he’s not admitted off the Dartmouth waitlist, he’ll be “settling” for either Williams or Amherst
Aaaaaarrggghhhhhhh. THAT kid. Yeah.
Given your additional comments, you made a good choice asking him to find another recommender.
- My daughter asked her best friend from kindergarten to write her LOR for Dartmouth. This girl wrote the best most enthusiastic letter ever. My daughter was rejected from Dartmouth. So, the letters are weighed accordingly. I thought you might like to know that.
2)When we go to college, we really expand our friendships. Many students find they re-evaluate their old friendships and choose to let some friendships fade away…for a variety of reasons. I had friends from high school that I just lost touch with, and one or two that I realized I no longer had anything in common with and decided to let fade away. Maybe this friend is one of those. I like your excuse of being too busy to write the LOR, and keeping your integrity of writing only letters you mean.
College is a great time to make new friends.