Please rate my common app essay!

I chose the topic that asks you to write about a significant experience…
what do you guys think?

As I surveyed the uneven file of about a dozen seven- and eight-year olds that were now under my command, I pondered at the possibility of my task. Sure they were all supposed to be “gifted” children, but it had been difficult enough to get them to line up single file. As I looked at this crude and irregular line—two boys were engaged in an animated conversation about the merits of two different types of Pokémon, another looked silly in a Yankee cap that was way too big, yet another was pointing down to his shoelaces which needed tying—it seemed that teaching a simple course in “Robotics” would be quite a daunting task. And, at first, it was.

I was a counselor working at Horizon, a day camp at the New York Institute of Technology for intellectually talented children. My specialty was robotics, which may sound fancy until you learn that we were using highly outdated kits controlled by Apple IIes. The children were obviously expecting to see R2-D2 and C-3PO when they entered the classroom—the looks on their faces spoke their disappointment when I told them there were no lasers and that the robots couldn’t talk. While they were sophisticated children used to being around computers, they were accustomed to colorful, dynamic images with lots of activity and plenty of sound. The black and green BASIC, all text environment of the Apple IIe would never hold their attention spans. Furthermore, the first lesson plan, designed for older children, involved teaching the basics of the BASIC (ahem) coding language that controlled the robot, something that was clearly too much for 7 year olds to grasp.
The first class went horribly, and I was very frustrated. I shouted at the children, told them to sit down and pay attention, threatened to punish them, but that only made things worse. I was ready to give up and ask to be moved to dodgeball. Over lunch, I complained about the children to an adult counselor, who was a teacher during the year. She simply smiled, and advised me to think about how I was when I was a youngster—not that long ago, really. Put yourself in their shoes, she said. Once I did that, the solution became obvious.

The biggest problem was the way they were being taught—it would be impossible to hold their attentions in an informal, quasi-classroom setting, especially when they were learning about a topic that greatly excited them but was nowhere near as exciting as they thought. Furthermore, it wasn’t fun enough. This was camp, not school, they didn’t want to have to learn how to dimension a string variable or about “for” loops, they wanted to play with robots. They wanted to put some pieces together, hit a few buttons on a computer, and watch their creation come alive.

Now that I understood the nature of the problem, adapting my method was simple. To solve the problem of holding their attention, I changed from the old “one teacher, many students” structure of the class to one of many teachers, each teaching few students. I broke the class into small groups, and gave each one a CIT (counselor in training, or underlings as I like to call them) overseer. To make the class more fun, I shifted the focus of the course from programming the robots to building them. I whipped up some basic robot programs, for which campers could build robots. The success of my new plan was obvious immediately—the class transformed from a scene of pandemonium to one of several groups of campers each diligently working on a robot that they hoped would be the best in the class.

In order to teach children, one must be able to learn from them. These kids may have had short and fickle attention spans, but that didn’t mean they were stupid. In fact, children are very much like grownups, and working with them can be great practice for dealing with adults. My initial reaction to their uncooperativeness, understandably so, was to go directly against them, to try to use brute force to bend them to my will. I now know that this is not the proper way to be a leader. One must be able to change oneself—from there, it is easy to subtly influence those who were previously obstinate, changing them without them even realizing what is happening. Fascist or totalitarian leaders that rule with an iron fist are rarely effective—it is only the leader that gives the citizens what they want (or at least gives the impression that they are getting what they want) that is successful. The same holds true for any difficult situation or challenge someone is faced with. He can’t expect to win if when faced with the slightest obstacle, he runs out with guns blazing. He can only be victorious if he can go around that obstacle, or over it, or under it, or maybe even through it, whatever the situation requires. I know that what I learned in taming those tiny beasts will be useful in whatever career I decide to, especially if I am in a position of leadership—that I cannot try to beat a tough situation into submission, but I have to be flexible. I must the one to adapt.

<p>" I must the one to adapt."..error in last sentence..</p>

<p>aside from that, i liked it, though i really have no background in anything at all</p>

<p>i liked it a lot..cept the sentence that goes "but that doesnt mean they were stupid" that brought a wtf becuase i wasnt thinking they were stupid and probably neither are the ppl reading the essay but if you thought they were stupid at first that kinda makes you seem...pretentious or something</p>

<p>You might want to note that the word limit on the common app is 200-500 words! Your's is like 800+ words. I'm working on common app essay right now too and am trying to eliminate 13 words. It's so goddamn difficult.</p>

<p>I liked your essay, but definitely try to cut it down.</p>

<p>"I shouted at the children, told them to sit down and pay attention, threatened to punish them, but that only made things worse. I was ready to give up and ask to be moved to dodgeball."</p>

<p>Doesn't make you look all that appealing...</p>

<p>what parts do you guys think i could cut out? were there any parts that we kind of boring that you skipped over?</p>

<p>922 words ? You need to get some serious cuttign done. ANd believe me you should get straight at it. </p>

<p>Secondly you should be the best judge of what to cut. Because it is YOUR point of view.</p>

<p>well, i don't know, these guys aren't cutting, are they? from what i'm told length isn't a real issue if your essay doesn't seem tedious and boring. it seems to me that the subject of my essay requires this many words, i couldn't possibly have expressed it in less. so if its absolutely positively too long and if i submit it i will be automatically rejected, i guess my only option is to write a new one.</p>

<p>You are right in that if it really intrigues the reader it won't be seen as too long - otherwise then yes, shorten it for safety's sake just because you're better safe than sorry. </p>

<p>I recommend shortening it in some way...there has to be at least some words even that don't need to be in there.</p>

<p>""I shouted at the children, told them to sit down and pay attention, threatened to punish them, but that only made things worse. I was ready to give up and ask to be moved to dodgeball."</p>

<p>Doesn't make you look all that appealing..."</p>

<p>on the contrary, i thought that was kinda funny and realistic...
if i were you i would cut some of that conclusion off</p>

<p>"intellectually talented children"</p>

<p>Smart Kids.</p>

<p>krazykimazaze: You don't need to eliminate 13 words. They'll take 513.</p>