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Applying to College
1

Could you guys please Critique my essay for Harvard. Thanks, I really appreciate it!!!

I am whom I make myself. So I set forth on a journey called life, living and learning what the world has to offer. I started making my own yellow-brick road as a feeble neophyte: my hands were clumsy without knowledge of artistry or masonry. The incoherent stones were arbitrarily placed standing witness to my absence of skill and knowledge of the universe. The bricks I laid set a desultory path before me, at times leading to dead ends and roundabouts. I have also tripped numerously along my path with scars and bruises bearing evidence of the rocky life I have led.

I had a hard time growing up as a Pastor’s kid. I would contemplate, in raging tears, how the teachings of the Bible reflected the staunch ideology of my parents. Their suppressive principles sparked a fire inside of me to break the manacles of their teachings, and create an individual characteristic, unique to the world. My parent’s dual adherence to Confucianism and Christianity created a huge rain cloud that shrouded my everyday existence. The fusion of the two ideals deluged my desire to be independent and free from the fettering characteristics of their beliefs. Regardless, the flame kept growing inside of me, which eventually turned into a conflagration that impassioned me to build a path my own obdurate way.

This path led me to Cross Country. One Tuesday, however, my coach said, “You’re off the team. You’re academic schedule and rigor does not coincide well with practice, and your two week absence due to sickness is inexcusable.” I felt like I ran into a brick wall. The heat of the fire inside of me almost blew out from the blow. If I work hard at anything, I will succeed, will I not? I followed the American Dream, waking up every morning at 7:00 am to go running by myself in hopes of improving my abilities and achieving my goals. After all my sacrifices, however, I made no progress and my goals were now unattainable. The efforts I put forth in Cross Country were immeasurable and the invaluable lessons I learned, about discipline, endurance, independence and motivation were tossed away without a care.

The omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient God is there for me regardless of whether my physical being desires for Him or not. But yet, this is where God comes in: my hero who yells at the top of His lungs, “Have no fear! For I am here!” He is my firefighter, that wails in His red fire truck ready to put out the destructive flames in my soul. He is also the perfect mason who deftly forges a path straighter and more reliable then the one I made.

With God as the only one that can put out the fury of my conflagration, the sinful fire no longer drives me. God rescues me from the harmful flames and redirects me on a safer path that leads to Him. Without God, there would be no end; I would ultimately be dancing in an inferno.

Now, as God lays the stepping-stones ahead of me, I emerge into the world with a clay-like nature: still soft, supple, and impressionable and away from the blaze that hardens. Do not, however, label me as a free spirit; ready to be influenced and shaped by the next sculptor I come across.

I have a desire to be beautifully crafted to my aspirations fitting to God’s purpose.
I like to help people and see them succeed or watch as a smile emerges from a face as a cheerless spirit fades away. I want to show a person who has led a callous life the beauty of a rainbow, the wonder of forgiveness, and the power of hope. “Have faith,” I would say, “believe.” I want a chance to give a story I have loved reading to someone who has never experienced the empowerment of a novel. I wish to travel the world and learn. The ability to understand the all-encompassing force of love is still ahead of me and I reach for it: all this and so much more.

With that goal in mind, I take a step on the yellow brick road God has set in front of me, to travel over mountains and to cross intractable rivers all for His glory.

For now, however, my path lands at your feet. I am but clay in your hands ready to be expediently formed to the world’s needs, and who better to carve the finest details and lines of my existence as a college student? Create a masterpiece

Thank you and God Bless

2

<p>Such awkward vocabulary throughout. I'd recommend deleting all the words more than 7 letters long. Because a lot of them just don't make sense.
For example:</p>

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<p>your coach did not say that. make it sound like somone is actually talking. </p>

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<p>those three words lined up like that made me laugh.</p>

<p>Toss the thesaurus. Try again, but write it as if you were speaking to someone. If this is how you normally speak (which I doubt) pretend it is for a third grader. Make it interesting, but with simpler vocabulary. A few well-placed big words are fine; misused, bizarre SAT words throughout will not get you accepted.</p>

3

<p>Thanks, anybody else?</p>

4

<p>I think you should take it in to school and work on it with an English teacher, if at all possible. There are many, many, many errors and, without having ever met you, I really don't think that the essay reveals very much about you (maybe I'm wrong). </p>

<p>If there's not a way to get it to an English teacher, I'd at least go over it with your parents or relatives. It's a good start and I can tell you're passionate, but I think it needs some revision, especially to make it "Harvard Material." </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

5

<p>Your essay sounds forced....you should definitely write it in a more natural style. I'm not telling you to go the completely colloquial route.... but all the SAT words thrown in there detract from what you're actually trying to say and seem superfluous in my opinion. Also, I'm applying to Harvard as well...is this your common app essay or the optional supplemental one? I wrote my supplemental about a meaningful academic experience... though you probably don't care. Well, cheers and good luck to you.</p>

<p>--Fooby</p>

6

<p>the language is kind of stilted. i was just wondering, did you write sort of with a "flow" or did you stop every other word to think about how how hard you could make the next word? i think it's better if you write with a "flow" because then it sounds more like yourself, and after you finish, edit it a bit, but as veronique said, don't use a thesaurus. some of the sentences don't grammatically make sense either.</p>

<p>"He is my firefighter, that wails in His red fire truck ready to put out the destructive flames in my soul." I don't think this sentence is quite right.</p>

<p>Also, i don't think this sentence is great. "The efforts I put forth in Cross Country were immeasurable and the invaluable lessons I learned, about discipline, endurance, independence and motivation were tossed away without a care."</p>

<p>i don't think you're trying to say that you totally look down upon discipline, endurance, independence and motivation, but that's what it sounds like to me.</p>

<p>also, you tend to get carried away with commas.</p>

<p>that's all. good luck w/ your harvard app.</p>

7

<p>alrite, thanks for the input guys. I'll try to cut down my SAT vocab;-)</p>

8

<p>Here's my revised essay:</p>

<p>I am whom I make myself. So I set forth on a journey called life, living and learning what the world has to offer. I had neither a map nor a campus, but I did not care; my self-determination will determine my path and destination. My wandering and ambitious mind kept my ignorant feet moving, sometimes forward, sometimes backwards and sideways, but always adding to an evolving foot trail on the ground that gains fervid confusion with every stamp of my blue Oshkoshes. Eventually, my shoelaces would sabotage my mission by bringing me to reality---after they have brought me to the ground. As I sat on the ground struggling to tie my shoes, I noticed the lacerations on my arms and legs and the blood that colored the ground and my footsteps a passionate yet ephemeral crimson. The lacerations will remain, bearing testament to the unfulfilling path I have cleared for myself, while my mind and feet rise in triumphant unison, determined to conquer my journey and destined not to fall to cumbersome shoelaces ever again. </p>

<p>As a pastor’s daughter, I had an especially limiting childhood. The teachings of the Bible reached out to every part of my family life and my freedom was soon flushed away in a flood of holy water. Moreover, my parents dual adherence to Confucianism reinforced the moral conduct that the Bible had staunchly established and hermetically sealed out any remaining freedom I had. As a result, the Bible and Analects accidentally sparked a fire inside of me to break the manacles of their teachings, and create an individual characteristic, unique to the world. Over time, the flame grew, fueled by a combination of my suppressive family dogma and by the individualistic society that scorns such beliefs; eventually, the small spark that began as a cry for identity grew into an untenable conflagration that impassioned me to build a path my own obdurate and ignorant way. </p>

<p>I traveled my self-made road well into my teenage years. I stopped along the way numerous times to indulge in various endeavors, neither becoming too attached to disturb my sense of self-reliance nor becoming too distant to be uninvolved. During the summers, I devoted myself wholly to Cross Country by waking up every morning at 7:00 am to run, every beat of my feet on the ground just as passionate as every step I have taken on my seventeen-year old odyssey. However, even passion was not enough for me as I committed myself to a laundry list of clubs, organizations, and rigorous classes in an attempt to satisfy my never-ending desire to find a personal direction along my path. However, such desire only caused me to be kicked off the Cross Country team, and to hurt my membership in my clubs as well as my performance in my classes--- all in the name of selfishness. I had fallen in my journey to find fulfillment; my fire is a dying ember, which refuses to sustain my odyssey and self-interests anymore. </p>

<p>As I sat on the ground wondering how I failed on my path to identity, I realized that I did not have to travel my journey alone. From my childhood when religion was such an overwhelming guiding force in my life to the moment I fell along my journey and felt as though I had failed in setting an adequate direction for my life, God has always been there to assist and shepherd me to a satisfaction I could have never attained using my own mind and feet. My egoistic and sinful fire does not drive me now; instead, God has rescued me from my own harmful flames and redirected me on a safer path that leads to Him, a path that does not end in confusion and tripping over shoelaces, but rather, in satisfaction for Him, myself, and everyone around me.<br>
I emerge from the ground now having a new purpose and direction; God has given me a map and a compass and I am determined to finish the journey that He has revived me with. My new path has allowed me to find immense satisfaction in helping people and seeing them succeed or watching a smile emerge from a face while a cheerless spirit fades away. I want to show a person who has led a callous life the beauty of a rainbow, the wonder of forgiveness, and the power of hope. “Have faith,” I would say, “believe.” I want a chance to give a story I have loved reading to someone who has never experienced the empowerment of a novel. I want to show people the power of redemption and the strength of belief---I want to show people that a young, ignorant girl with scars of mistakes and regret can blossom into a young woman who understands the renewing force of faith and the universal benefits of charity. While, the ability to understand the all-encompassing force of love is still ahead of me, I continue to reach for this understanding everyday with my shoes tied and my feet moving forward.</p>

9

<p>"I am who..." it is still nomnitive. sorry i couldn't make it past the first sentence</p>

10

<p>"...journey called life..." is very cliche. I recommend changing this--it is important to start the essay as originally as possible, as it is this section that will convince adcoms to keep reading.</p>

11

<p>Also, some of the religious references may be seen as offensive. I understand that this is the substance behind the essay, so you should only eliminate those some may consider in bad taste. Try to eliminate some of the metaphors/imagery as well, it's not a novel.</p>

12

<p>Thanks for the suggestion guys. Also, what does nominitive mean?</p>

13

<p>i think you should post the essay's topic or requirement, so ppl can have a better idea what to expect. i actually enjoyed your essay quite a lot. i know most ppl want the essays to be personal and to reflect who you are, but it's also a writing test, especially for harvard, you need both. as for the writing style, u r a great writer, although some of the fancy words are not totally necessary; as a story teller, i think you conveyed your ideas quite thoroughly, the metaphors showed your unique writing skills that others might not have, but do cut out some and provide more facts, again it depends on what they're looking for; write what they ask for is always the key.</p>

14

<p>Thanx Crazyforee, my English teacher actually told me to revise my essay so it's more like a story, because she says my creative writing is good and wants me to express that. As for the topic, I just choice a "topic of my choice."</p>

15

<p>yeah, your first sentance definately needs to be "who"</p>

<p>Your first paragraph strikes me as very pretentious, as well.</p>

<p>just my 2c</p>

16

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<p>i still don't quite understand the essay, but i have crappy reading comprehension skills. it is much improved. what i got out of it: Your strict upbringing caused you to go against God and do Cross Country, but when you got kicked off the team you realized that you needed to follow God better and became a better person.</p>

17

<p>Thanks Veronique:</p>

<p>Yeah, what I'm trying to say is that my strict upbringing caused me to become very self-absorbed in everything I did, which caused me to make wrong and regretful decisions. Ultimately, I realize that my belief in God and His love is what will bring me happiness and satisfaction.</p>

18

<p>Isn't this due in 2 days? Is this a common app essay or supplement essay? If its common app, try and lose about 100 words and get it down to ~600. Take out some awkward sentences. I can't really tell much about you from reading it. What are your interests? That should be one of the things somehow revealed through the essay.</p>

<p>Maybe you can just cut out the first paragraph completely.</p>

19

<p>No, the "whom" in the first sentence is indeed correct. It's the direct object of "I make myself," NOT the predicate nominative of "I am."</p>