<p>OK, I'm going to be very brutal. It's for your own good, but I still feel really bad doing it. I never like criticizing essays. In fact, if you do get into Harvard, be sure to find me so I can buy you a coffee, it'll make me feel better.</p>
<p>While the idea of doing a story is definitely the way to go in your case (the WORST thing you can do is give a laundry list of accomplishments), I feel like a lot of your essay is spent convincing the reader that you know about aquariums. That doesn't tell the reader anything about you except that, well, you know about aquariums.</p>
<p>For example: a weak point in the essay is the second to last paragraph. You start off by saying that aquariums have taught you a lot- but the examples you list are frankly trivial. Sure you learned about the pH scale and about the nitrogen cycle- but did you gain new appreciation for how science works, or about the evolution of natural organisms, or about the complexity of life? If you didn't, then I'm kinda left asking, "Why do I care what you learned about aquariums?" This isn't an essay about why you should be hired to take care of fish, it's an essay about what you'd contribute to an academic environment. "I have a passion for understanding living systems" is a good answer, "I know what the pH scale is" is not.</p>
<p>Another criticism: there are a number of sentences in the essay that seem to me to be completely out of place. Examples include: </p>
<p>"My interests in aquariums is not only limited to fish. I also have keen interests in herptiles, but that’s a different story." Doesn't really advance anything. You're talking about fish- why say that there's another essay out there you could be writing if you're not writing it?</p>
<p>"While some may argue that keeping pets is inhumane, my fish have a comfortable life. They don’t have to worry whether or not they will have something to eat at the end of the day, or whether they will be eaten." Why waste a few sentences explaining why keeping fish is morally OK? It doesn't tell the reader anything about you at all, and its position in the conclusion is just perplexing- it comes out of nowhere. This is the paragraph where you really want to be explaining what these fish mean to you, or what they inspire in you, or ANYTHING besides why the fish have a comfortable life.</p>
<p>"..., among other things, through my readings and experience as an aquarist." This whole phrase doesn't do a thing. Of course it's through your readings and experience as an aquarist- that's what the essay's about.</p>
<p>"Fish can also be a stress reliever: they can lull me to sleep with their graceful movements between their glass panes." If you want to explain what these fish mean to you, "they help me go to sleep" really isn't a good answer.</p>
<p>There are a vast number of other useless phrases- including ones that just seem careless, like how you say "I took home some fish of my own home," which show you haven't really done enough proofreading. I was frankly wondering why your essay was actually above the expected limit, since so many sections were easy to cut. I have no right to write your essay for you, but I thought it might help a little to cut down the length of your essay by slicing out parts I found useless or repetitive (that way, you could use the remaining words to explain the stuff Harvard admissions really wants to know about you- more about yourself, less about pH).</p>
<p>So here's my suggestion of a cut-down (but otherwise mostly unedited) essay. Remember that the sections I sliced out will force you to edit the rest of the paragraph- without these sections, the essay's transitions make no sense. You have to fill in the blanks.</p>
<p>There was nothing really spectacular about the dusty hardcover book, hidden on the shelf by a multitude of other books. It didn’t beckon me with its flashy colors or glossy cover. I merely pulled it off the shelf as a reading assignment for my fourth grade class. That seemingly insignificant book would plunge me into a hobby that continues to engulf me even today.</p>
<p>The title of the book was unpretentious enough: “The Aquarium Book for Boys and Girls.” After reading the first few pages, I knew I had to get some fish of my own. I remember begging my mom to take me to the local aquarium, and when she finally relented, I was ecstatic. When I finally got to the store, I was greeted by rows of lighted tanks filled with exotic, rainbow-colored fishes. There were fish shaped like pointed javelins, others like spiny butterflies, and others like miniature whales with short elephantine trunks for mouths. Curtains of bubbles shimmered up in each tank, like effervescent bubbles in a champagne glass. I took home a few fish . Those few unfortunate fish didn’t live very long, but I learned from my mistakes.</p>
<p>Fast-forward a few years. I have read countless aquarium books and the fish I take home no longer fear an immature death. I feel like a budding biologist. I do some research to find out which fishes live in the same area and which fishes are compatible with each other. Aquatic plants from the same region are also added to the mix for a more realistic biotope, and I also have to find out the water parameters, such as pH, hardness, and temperature suitable for the species of fish. Other little details such as substrate and types of rocks and woods safe for the environment are also considered. After the aquarium is planned out, I start to put it together. Pounds of gravel and water are lugged back and forth, and I spend hours arranging a natural and aesthetically pleasing environment for the fish. The job does not end with setting up the tank, however. I must monitor the water conditions and complete the nitrogen cycle in the tank. Even then an aquarium can take hours a week to maintain.</p>
<p>Being a serious aquarist has taught me more than I thought it would. I already knew about the pH scale before my chemistry teacher explained it to the class. I learned about the nitrogen cycle and water quality testing, among other things, through my readings and experience as an aquarist.</p>
<p>They owe their lifestyles to a little unpretentious book I pulled out of the library as a fourth-grader. The book has infected me with fish fever, and I hope never to be cured of it.</p>
<p>Now that I've done some serious chopping (and fixed a few typos and simple grammar errors), I have some recommendations on where to go from here.</p>
<p>1)The third paragraph needs some very serious revision. You use passive voice a lot, which turns this from an essay about you to an essay about the proper preparation of an aquarium. It also sounds very awkward.</p>
<p>2) I left in the sentence "I feel like a budding biologist," but not because it's a good one. I left it in because it hints at a whole paragraph you should be writing about what the fish mean to you. Stop writing about specific biology you've learned and talk about WHY it's interesting to you. You're going to have to do better than "I feel like a budding biologist," which is vague and brief, and you're definitely going to have to do better than "They help me go to sleep."</p>
<p>3)As some people on the forum have mentioned, you kinda need a more interesting opening. The one you have isn't bad, but there are better ways to start your essay (this isn't easy to do).</p>
<p>4) The second to last paragraph needs to get bigger- it's good to say what you've learned about pH and nitrogen and so on, but after that, you need to say, "However, I've learned even more about how science works insert stuff here" or "Even more important to me is my new understanding of life and insert stuff here." This is where you want to put your "What this shows about me" paragraph, and it needs at least 150-200 words. Maybe a new paragraph, with a good transition. Very important.</p>
<p>5) The grammar errors and typos that remained in the paper show that you haven't done much proofreading. Proofreading is HUGE on college essays (as it is on any serious writing). You should print it out and go over every single word to decide if it's important. You should chop out every sentence that doesn't serve a good purpose (many still remain). Decide if any sentences can be phrased more clearly or less awkwardly. Question your every single choice- constantly criticize your own transitions and sentence structure. However, NEVER consult a thesaurus to try to complicate your essay- harder words don't impress admissions officers. (Don't replace words like "many" with "myriad," or "social" with "societal," unless you have a good reason for doing so). In short- proofreading is VERY important. And after you've taken out all the useless sections of the paper, go back and write stuff that really emphasizes who you are. Then rinse and repeat.</p>
<p>This isn't about impressing Harvard with your writing skills (though they do want the essay to be well-written)- this is just about communicating who you are in an effective way. If your paper is filled with wordy sentences and unclear structure, it's just plain harder to read, and the admissions officer won't understand what contribution you can make to the school.</p>
<p>My most important criticism, though, is still that you barely talk about yourself, what this story shows about you, and what you've learned from it (besides things like the pH scale). If you fix this issue, your essay will improve dramatically.</p>