PLEASE READ THIS, it's short...

College Essays
1

<p>...well kinda. </p>

<p>this is the section where you're supposed to elaborate on one activity...</p>

<p>please just quickly read over it, and point out areas that you think could be eliminated, since it's obviolsouly too long. also grammar mistakes? and lastly i tried my best not to let it come off as a list, but i really wanted to make sure i highlight all that i've been able to do towards this cause...what do you think?</p>

<p>thanks so much. honesty, please. </p>

<p>The global situation in Sudan has consumed a great deal of my effort, but more importantly my devotion throughout high school. I would be a fool to complete high school and only hold appreciation limited to the academic facets of (<em>school name</em>). The truth is, my school has provided me with every resource possible to shed light on the unmitigated atrocities and deliberate human rights violations of men, women, and children in Darfur. </p>

<p>The will to fight for this cause began a few years ago, the day my father asked me “What is Darfur?” My inner frustration was not at him, but towards the lack of awareness about genocide within society. Immediately upon the founding days of the school’s STAND Chapter, Students Taking Action Now: Darfur, I ran for a Communications Position and won.</p>

<p>I have tirelessly worked within the school’s club to spread awareness by holding fasts, sponsoring letter-writing campaigns, creating video documentaries, sending cooker pots to Darfur, inviting survivor, Mohamed Yahya to the school, and speaking out in assemblies. During the second year of my annual Charity dinner I raised over one thousand dollars for the Save Darfur Organization. I have spoken in simulated United Nations conferences on the need to begin a global effort to end the genocide.</p>

<p>Perhaps the most important transition happened recently. I saw a potential to combine art with global awareness. I focused on creating a portfolio of political art focused on Darfurian images, while studying with an art professor at Chicago’s School of the Art Institute this past summer. Just this year my STAND club worked together to bring renowned artist Xavier Cortada to paint a human rights mural in honor of the school. In him I saw everything I wanted in my life: the power to combine creative expression and activism. The reward for my work goes beyond ending the genocide; it comes in the form of shaping and inspiring a platform against indifference for future generations within my school.</p>

<p>Thanks so much. Also, does it come off as too cliche? I mean the writing of it.... I wanted to make it interesting, but I guess it was hard to, especially with the focus trying to accumulate all that I've done for this sole cause.</p>

2

<p>bump..... please?</p>

3

<p>I don't want to like, flame you, but from the first sentense of your essay, I was kinda like, blah. It's not too interesting, because it's all predictable and semi-dry. You need to spice up your essay with many more imagery and figurative language. </p>

<p>With your work on the Sudan, you had many chances to see atrocities in pictures and what not as you point out, but you don't talk about those atrocities. If I was you, I'd start out with like: Children with limbs missing. Body parts litter the side of the road. Death encompasses all. Scenes such as this, which might seem a fit in a gory war movie, have been my passion during high school. </p>

<p>I think it might get their attention, and hook them, because you put forward images that either strike at their emotions (pathos) in literature, and it also makes them go ***. Because of of the word passion, so it makes them intrigued.</p>

4

<p>well the problem is, that this isn't an essay.
i know what you're saying though.</p>

<p>this is actually just the part that says elaborate on one of your activities in 150 words.</p>

<p>that's why i said it's a bit long, so it needs to be reduced.</p>

<p>do you think i need to write like an essay for even that part?</p>

5

<p>i got the impression that this part was not so much on just who you are like the essay, but actually a description of what you've done towards something.</p>