<p>OK, this is so not a college admissions essay, but I a want people to read this and I want to hear their feedback. This is for my current English class and we were assigned to write a humorous essay. I chose to write it one embarrassing relatives and focused on one in particular. Btw, all of this stuff has happened, excpet for the last part. I included that because I felt I had to make it end on not such a definite note (as in that life continued beyond this) FEEDBACK GREATLY appreciated! btw the teacher asked us to be risque and provocative....
-S </p>
<p>Here is the essay...
TITLE: My Fabulous Guncle Tod<br>
Everyone has that infamously embarrassing relative, am I right? If you just think back to all of those family holiday gatherings and barbecues a face should come to mind. We all know that this person leaves no person unscathed. I confidently assert that my guncle Tod ranks amongst the best of the worst. Tod is fabulously debasing; he never passes up the opportunity to resort to the degradation of my character, exclaim my own foibles to public ears, or, more recently, publicly and falsely accuse me of being an incubus of venereal diseases. However, I cannot play the role of the helpless victim. I am the one that willingly chooses to stay with Tod in Los Angeles for extended periods of time. Now that I have given a synopsis of mine and Tods relationship, I will attempt to give you an outline of a typical day with guncle Tod.<br>
I wake up around 8 a.m. in my chicly IKEA decorated guest bedroom and walk to the kitchen. I am hungry, so I look around for food. I then realize that I am surrounded by a plethora of spices, almond milk, sardines, and fiber-filled granola a teenagers worst nightmare. So I make do with what I have and pour a bowl of granola and almond milk. I sit, trying to get through breakfast and then I here from upstairs, Twinkie! Is that you?
I reply, Yes! Good morning Todd!<br>
I then hear a shuffling upstairs, and Todd begins to descend the stairs. He then walks with swagger in his wardrobe that is a fusion of Gucci, John Varvatos, and Louis Vuitton into the nook where I am eating.
Tod says, Oh good! I am so glad youre eating that, you know you are looking a little plumper from the last time I saw you. Hopefully this time you will actually learn how to eat.<br>
I just smile and take in another mouthful remembering the days when my BMI was actually at a prime 29, and thinking thank God he did not see me then. Tod subsequently begins to tell me about the days itinerary. Next thing I know, Tod is telling me to be ready pronto to get the day going. I finish my food quickly and then return to my IKEA store display of a bedroom to get ready. I hurry about, and as I am shaving Tod comes to the bathroom door, knocks, and yells, Come on Twinkie, stop beating off! I have things that need to get done today.
I simply interpret that statement as, I have an appointment I did not tell you about and we need to get going. So I pick up the pace, pick out my clothes, put on my shoes and walk to the foyer of the house. Tod then sashays down the stairs and two steps from the bottom of the stairs he eyes me from head-to-toe and says, Oh my god! What are you wearing!? You look like a gay five year old!<br>
I look down at my clothes, look up and think for a split second think what would a gay five year old look like. I then nod and inconspicuously slip away to swiftly change. When I reenter Tod has adopted an imperious persona that reminds me of Meryl Streep from The Devil Wear Prada and says, Hmmm
itll do, now lets get going.<br>
But next we are in guncle Tods Prius driving down Sunset Boulevard going to Hollywood and Beverly Hills. Tod asks me how that little white trash town I come from is and how that little family of mine is doing. I reply by saying all is well and my family doing just fine. He then persists to ask me about school and the typical assortment of small talk ensues. He then asks me about my steamy love life; as if I am suppose to be some aspiring nymphomaniac. I respond that am I dry in that department. He then asks me if I have ever been kissed, I say no. Tod practically has a coronary and goes on a tangent of how I should be testing the waters and then asks me if I want him to kiss me (he tells me that because I am 17 and never have been kissed it is practically his civic duty). I get a nauseated look on my face and politely decline, and say that I could not live with myself if he touched me; I would be obliged to commit seppuku, Japanese samurai suicide by self-disembowelment, if he did.<br>
We then arrive at a doctors office and Tod tells me that he has to get an allergy shot so I will simply have to wait. Tods appointment is on the fourth floor, so we get in an elevator, and at that moment a parade of people push us to the very back. While standing like a sardine in the back Tod notions for me to lend an ear, so I move my head as close as possible.<br>
Tod then tells me in a rather raised volume of voice, You know honey, you can relax now. The doctors hear are going to take of that infection and the itching, odor, and discharge will go away.
The elevator is overtaken with silence and all eyes fall on me. I nod and smile at Tod and say, Thats good, the itching is just really really getting on my nerves, as I aggressively scratch my crotch.<br>
After the appointment we go to Rodeo Drive, and for all respective purposes I feel like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. As Tod gallivants through all of the boutiques he insists on telling any and every listening ear that he is my Auntie Mame and he is attempting to culture me, little Patrick. Furthermore, Tod tells me that I should be dressing like this, but it is too bad that I cannot afford these clothes and that little white trash town I am from would not appreciate them anyways. Therefore, I am Tods sidekick as he parades through a whirlwind of this seasons hottest new trends. But Tod eventually works up an appetite and we are off to lunch.<br>
While eating lunch, were Tod informs me that I must stop eating starchy foods immediately or my rolls will triple by the spring season, I inform Tod that I have gotten an interview for Harvard and need help on what to wear. Tod pours his hot tea in contemplation and then tells me, you should just wear a jockstrap and combat boots, keep it simple yet bold.
What?! No! I would only wear that if I was being interviewed by a big old queen like and if it would help me getting in, I replied with a smile and some disbelief to what I just heard.
Fine, then just watch the movie The Social Network and see what those sexy Winklevoss twins wear and then you should be fine. Also, do not wear a suit that is just
gay! said Tod.<br>
Lunch ended shortly afterwards, Tod drove me to his house and dropped me off. He said, I have things to do, a life to live, so have fun and play safe. I will be home soon.
OK, see you later. I respond.<br>
Todd then speedily drives off to God knows where to do God knows what and I am not left to amuse myself. I decide to swim the pool, and after taking a dip I lay out to dry. I then look at my phone and see I have a text message from Tod. I open it and it reads Hey Twinkie, no beating off! If u get hungry go to Vermont Avenue & get urself some sushi
some culture would help you. Btw stay out of my jockstraps upstairs in my closet!
I then realize that I am fairly hungry so I get ready to go to Vermont Avenue, but just as I go to reach for the front door, I stop. I then reread the text Tod sent me and reason: he would not have told me where those articles of clothing were if he did not want me to explore. Plus, it will give him something to talk about later, so I steadily ascended the stairs.</p>