Please tell me what this essay would score on an SAT?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Topic: NATURE(ONE'S GENETIC INHERITANCE) AFFECTS ONE'S CHARACTER AND BEHAVIOUR MORE THAN NURTURE(ONE'S LIFE EXPERIENCES).</p>

<p>Although one's life experiences do play an important role in the shaping of one's character and behaviour,I believe that one's genetic inheritance takes an upper hand ultimately.Various examples such as that of Queen Catharine,first wife of Henry,the eighth and that of little Sara Crewe support my belief.
In the book,"A Constant Princess" by Philippa Gregory,Queen Catharine,the first of the eight wives of King Henry the VIIIth did not have a smooth sailing to the throne.Katalina of Aragon had to face many obstacles on her way.First married to the elder prince,Arthur,she was believed to have an unfortunate future after her husband died.She was without any support from her homeland,in an unfriendly,cold country.Faced with the advances made upon her by her late husband's father along with the cold dislike of the power wielding Margaret Beaufort,any woman not having her strength of will would have crumbled.Even when everyone believed her to be forgotten and she did not have enough money to buy her next meal,she still believed in her destiny to be Queen of England.She believed that she had been born to be Queen of England and that was how it would turn out to be.She was born to one of the most courageous,fearless and determined ruling couples of Spain and their determination and steely resolve shone through her even when they were not present with her in England.These qualities were inherent in her.In circumstances as dire and helpless as these,it was her genetic inheritence that ultimately,surpassing all odds,put her on the throne of England as Queen.
Another example is the book,"A Little Princess" by Frances Hogsdon Burnett.Born into a wealthy family and loved amnd cared for by her single father,Sara was sent for her schooling to a seminry in London.After her father's sudden death and bankruptcy,she was banished to the attic and was made to work as little more than a scullery maid.By everybody,she was treated as dirt under their feet,the very people who had served her before!Living under the most inhuman conditions,any normal little girl would have become bitter with the world.But she still managed to find joy in the simplest of things.Her capability of seeing good in everybody,that she inherited from her father along with his gentle and courageous disposition helped her to make it through the worst of days.Here again,it was genetic inheritance that won over life experiences.
Hence,as illustrated by both Queen Catharine and Sara Crewe,it is indeed one's genetic inheritance that shapes one's character.Many a time,when life's circumstances and experiences have not been favourable,it is nurture that saves us in the end.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading through guys!I myself don't think much of this essay so tear it apart!</p>

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<p>What got me cracking up was your final sentence. Take that out and you’ve got a pretty nice essay. “…it is nurture that saves us in the end.” This sentence completely screws your thesis and the rest of the essay. You’ve got very nice examples that effectively prove your point that nature outweighs nurture in one’s development. Although you have a few errors and superfluous phrases, your essay is very well written. But, I’d have to give it a 3/6 because you didn’t effectively state your thesis, as shown in your last sentence. However, if you had written “nature” instead of “nurture”, I’d give it a 5/6</p>

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<p>R3d3mptiOn-Thank you so much for taking the time to score my essay,it was very kind of you :slight_smile:
And I can’t believe I wrote that!Let’s just pretend I wrote ‘nature’ shall we?!So very silly of me.
Anyway,thanks again!</p>

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Could you tell me how to remedy that? Thanks!</p>

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<p>No problem :slight_smile:
For example, your sentence “By everybody,she was treated as dirt under their feet,the very people who had served her before!” could be better rewritten as “She was treated as… by the very people who had served her before!” because your sentence makes it seem like every person in the world once served her.</p>

<p>My advice is to not aim for length because although bulky paragraphs look better holistically, they’re hassles to read through and without much substance, length can be as harmful as bad support for your examples. Try to slow down if you can and think about how you could write your sentences so that each word counts. There’s really no remedy for correcting small errors and unnecessary phrases and/or sentences. Just practice and you’ll see drastic improvement in your SAT essay writing skills.</p>

<p>Btw, you seem to like princess novels a lot o.o</p>

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<p>Haha,it did seem weird to me to mention both examples with ‘princess’ in the book title,but they seemed to prove my point,so I went along.
It does make me sound obsessed though come to think about it.
Thanks for your help :)</p>