PLLLLLEase read this essay. I just may give you a free cookie!

<p>I just wrote a rough, rough, draft of my essay, and I was wondering if you guys could take a look at it. Its in the works, but I just wanted to know if its total crap, cause then I'm going to chuck it :).</p>

<p>My mother first realized the severe degree of my shyness when she chuckled after seeing a speck of chocolate ice cream on the tip of my nose. Even at four years old, I was instinctively aware of everyone’s laughter towards my general direction, and, though the not-so-well-hidden smiles were innocent, I could feel fat, hot teardrops sliding down my chubby cheeks at a morbidly slow pace. With my eyelashes sticking together and through the blurred vision, I did what everyone would do- I cried and sought my mama.</p>

<p>From that point forward, I was terribly self-conscious. </p>

<p>First days of school were nightmares for me. I, with my brown paper lunch bag and my three sharpened pencils, would sit at my desk quietly, while silently praying that someone, anyone, would come and talk to me. During chorus, I’d slide in behind the tall one who had already experienced his growth spurt, hoping to be inconspicuous. My face was either pale-white or horribly flushed during my piano recitals, where I was forced to wear bright taffeta dresses that poofed from here to Wisconsin. My hands were dead-giveaways of my discomfort. I couldn’t control those sneaky fingers, for they’d curl up, consol one another, and my hands would somehow always find their way into my pockets. So I’d walk around, with a jumpy, nervous look upon my face and with my hands permanently glued into the insides of my high water jeans. “I’ll wander the world inconspicuously,” I was determined, “and no one will even notice that I’m here”.</p>

<p>I can’t point to a specific time in my life when I suddenly became overwhelmingly outgoing. And that’s because, I don’t think I really ever got over my shyness. I still have that part of me that wants to curl away when approached by someone new, that part of me that can’t help wishing, that I were invisible. </p>

<p>There are just times in life when you step back and evaluate yourself. Yes, I understand it sounds corny, clichéd, and like I copied it out of a Chinese fortune cookie, but there’s no other way to describe the feeling. A realization comes upon you, and you wonder incredulously, why you had let this anxiety hold you back for so long. My shyness was incredibly egocentric: self-consciousness placed too much emphasis on me, not enough on others. Worrying about my clothes and hair, how I behaved, and what others thought of me, never gave me the chance to look around and notice the amazing people around me. And when I saw how much I had been missing out, I pushed my shyness into a coffee can, ran a car over that coffee can, compressed it with compressor-machine-thingy, and in the end, made a stylish little bobble for a necklace.</p>

<p>I still carry my shy little me around, and I don’t believe it will ever go away. It’s instinctive, and its what I crave, just like I crave three billion chocolate bars every single morning for some bizarre reason. However, just because one has a slight imperfection, doesn’t mean that it controls one’s life. Overcoming shyness is like getting on a thousand roller coasters. I hate roller coasters: I get queasy, nauseous, I sweat profusely as the car is clicking its way up the track, and occasionally, if I ever catch a glimpse at the obscene height at which I’m at, I yell profanities (which is usually accompanied by the phrase: I want my mommy). But I go on those coasters anyways, because, even though I still get scared, even though I still get queasy, and even though I sweat in places that I didn’t know existed, its still an exhilarating thrill that is worth it.</p>

<p>Life is an exhilarating thrill that’s worth it. And I don’t intend to miss a single moment.</p>

<p>What was the prompt?</p>

<p>I would be wary about turining in this essay. Whether or not we like to admit it, colleges WANT outgoing kids. They are looking for kids that will add something interesting to their campus. I'm shy too, so I am in no way judging you. But I would be cautious especially because you say that you never changed. Admissions officers, when reading the beginning of your essay, are expecting you to develop and change. The fact that you don't may be a put off to them. I really don't mean to be harsh because I am just as shy as you seem, but I just think I should warn you.</p>

<p>peach3s, that looks like a pretty impressive essay. The only big recommendation I have is the ending. "And I don't intend to miss a single moment" has now probably been hackneyed in the minds of the people who are going to read this (I would say admission officers, but we all know we are just writing for ourselves, right? eh? nevermind.). Like Neemi said, this is probably a good thing to punch in that you have changed at least a bit of your shyness. Throughout the essay, it's sort of implicit that some kind of "epiphany" has to happen. That sort of occurs with the coffee can, but then we are right back to shyness again. In its present form, the essay looks submittable (read: Disclaimer). If you work on something, the last two paragraphs are the weakest. It's difficult to write "life-changing," because then you might as well put cliched "life-changing." But I believe colleges do want a lot of self-reflection (again read: disclaimer); if you can do more of that towards the end, then I think your essay stands pretty strong.</p>

<p>Disclaimer:
And peach3s, take everything I say carefully. I'm no editor; heck, I contend that I stink at writing and I am no liberal arts major, but a critique is better than no critique, I suppose. Also I have a very vague idea of what a good admissions essay should look like: I'm just a high school senior dirtying the waters as well. And finally, be a bit more circumspect when you post your essays. People can get pretty fanatical and stressed about colleges, and when that time comes, stealing essays somehow becomes almost justifiable.</p>

<p>What would strengthen your essay would be more emphasis on what turned your life around and what you're doing now to be more outgoing. </p>

<p>You need to leave the adcoms with a clear impression about how you're courageously diving into life and so would be a strong addition to their campus, not a shy student hiding out in your dorm room.</p>

<p>Thus, write about ECs that you're participating in, leadership roles that you're taking, public speaking opportunities that you're taking, etc.</p>

<p>Being shy doesn't make you unique. Actually, about 60% of Americans describe themselves as shy. Therefore, you don't have to spend paragraph upon paragraph describing what your shyness is like.</p>

<p>Unique essay, that everyone can relate to. But that is the problem it isn't unique, everyone can relate to it, admissions committees seek diversity.</p>

<p>ok like northstarmom, i think you need to elaborate the process u turned from shy->outgoing. simply saying it is just annoying to read!</p>

<p>I think your essay is nicely written and very sincere. However, like northstarmom, I think that being shy really isn't unique. I understand the style you're going for here...so the whole idea about laundrylisting your EC's is redundant...since you put it down in your app already. Write more about what makes you special...shyness common conflict.</p>