I seek an education that will provide me with the skills I need to be successful in todays world. Not only that, I desire to be exposed to a variety of different academic fields, get a little taste of all the different kinds of knowledge stored in the university, and see a little bit of everything that college education has to offer. I have confidence, a devotion, and the potential to reach all that I strive to achieve.
I seek a place in which I can continue to discover and define myself while I maintain the value of being christian. I want extend my abilities and refine my personality. I want to exercise my responsibility and independence but still develop my relationships with other people. Most importantly, I want to grow and mature into a better person, and have fun while Im at it.
<p>"Not only that, I desire to be exposed to a variety of different academic fields, get a little taste of all the different kinds of knowledge stored in the university, and see a little bit of everything that college education has to offer."
This is redundant. You're basically saying the same thing three times. Either re-word and re-structure to incorporate some nice parallelism, or pick one and let it stand on its own.</p>
<p>"I have confidence, a devotion, and the potential to reach all that I strive to achieve."
Say "I have the convidence, devotion, and potential..."</p>
<p>"I seek a place in which I can continue to discover and define myself while I maintain the value of being christian."
"I seek a place in which I can continue to discovery and define myself while maintaining (could also say 'upholding') my Christian values," would read better.</p>
<p>"I want to exercise my responsibility and independence but still develop my relationships with other people."
Using "but" as a conjunction doesn't make much sense here. I'd say something more like, "I want to exercise my responsibility and independence while developing relationships with others."</p>
<p>And in that last sentence, I sort of want to omit that last comma. It's sort of superfluous, but depending on how you're reading it inside your head, it's a personal preference.</p>