<p>Sorry for posting in College Admissions but I didn't know where else to go.</p>
<p>"I am perseverant in achieving my academic pursuits by working towards my career goals; overcoming obstacles and personal hardships is the key to my success. In addition, my intention of walking my academic road by pairs of steps derived from patience; pacing, yet not overburdening myself led me to efficiently discover an academic road suited for me. Furthermore, my purpose for prioritizing my education stemmed from a change in my perspective; an alteration of view drove me to value my education."</p>
<p>Does this paragraph sound too vague? Especially the last two sentences? I do not know where to go from here. Help!</p>
<p>I do not know where you're plannng to send this, but I would encourage to drop all the fancy words. I am afraid you're trying way to hard to write a very intelligent paragraph. Do not take this the wrong way, but this could be a great example of what NOT to write. It's just a mumbo-jumbo of fancy words that mean close to nothing. </p>
<p>If you seek a better tone, think you're writing to your best friend. Keep it simple and lively. Do NOT try to impress anyone with thesaurus words.</p>
<p>You speak about changes: what were they? what happened? You've heard of the "show and do not tell" adage ... give examples written in simple sentences.</p>
<p>I don't want you to feel slapped by this, but it sounds over-wrought and unnatural. it doesn't sound anywhere close to the way a normal person would speak and feels uncomfortable to read.</p>
<p>Your second sentence sounds awkward because it has mixed metaphors; "pairs of steps" sounds like something you'd find on a ladder, not a road. </p>
<p>let me throw this out as a sample rewrite of your last sentence. "Education wasn't always a priority to me, but then my view changed." This hooks the reader; what are you going to say next? And you go on to explain how & why it changed.</p>
<p>I agree, for the most part. Initially, I did not want to keep it simple because I thought the adcoms would comprehend me differently than if I were to sway them with fancy words.</p>
<p>"let me throw this out as a sample rewrite of your last sentence. "Education wasn't always a priority to me, but then my view changed." This hooks the reader; what are you going to say next? And you go on to explain how & why it changed."</p>
<p>This example just sounds so plain to me. Ugh, I do not know what to write anymore. haha. I have too many suggestions coming in at once.</p>
<p>What is the most important thing you want to tell the reader from this paragraph? I agree with the previous posters who suggest you add specific examples or relate this to some kind of real situation. </p>
<p>Every applicant writes that they are perseverant, patient, goal-directed, etc., but the reader can't know whether the claims are true without specific examples/evidence to support them. Try re-working the paragraph to involve something more concrete, and then we can suggest changes to its grammar.</p>
<p>MaryCeleste, I basically want the reader to know that the qualities I bring out as a photographer are also reflected in my performance as a college student. So, instead of talking about WHERE I can apply my qualities, I should talk about HOW. For example, my internship is evidence that I am perseverant in achieving my academic pursuits by working towards my career goals BUT wouldn't this fall under Essay #1?</p>
<p>Gee Nikkei ... you're a photographer! Tell about how you see a different world through your lens. Tell them how you use your zoom to capture the soul of the people you shoot. The possibilities are endless. Make the reader IMAGINE what he would see through YOUR camera. Tell how you feel and tell what makes you tick. But, by all means, stay away from the lifeless and hackneyed version you posted. You essay should be unique... as in that ONLY you could write it. The first essay could have been written by anyone, and you can bet that hundreds will sound just like it!</p>
<p>xiggi, those are some great ideas. I'll see what I can stir up tonight. Thanks for the suggestions everyone! Wish me luck!</p>
<p>And no, I'm not a professional photographer.</p>
<p>Mary Celeste,</p>
<p>Essay #1
Question: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the field developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.</p>
<p>Essay #2
Question: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.</p>
<p>"This example just sounds so plain to me. Ugh, I do not know what to write anymore."</p>
<p>Quoted in another thread and originally appearing in Newsweek, a director of admissions writes
[quote]
Over the last 23 years, I have read more than 15,000 admissions essaysmany good, many not so good</p>
<p>I find that writers who do stumble often are trying to dazzle us with style rather than concentrating on substance. The notion that an essay must be intellectually superior is misguided. Students shouldnt go to the thesaurus in search of hundred-dollar words. While we want proof that students can use the tools of language to express themselves, we can tell when applicants arent comfortable with the language and tone they have adopted.