<p>My father was sent away at 7......to Switzerland.....from New Jersey.....his parents were Anglo/Swiss....that's the way it was done....he turned out alright.....I wouldn't do it that young, but its done all the time abroad......</p>
<p>Wow dmd77, a touching story. So many children are failed by traditional schooling. As the mother of 4, the boarding school option has only seemed appropriate for one. I am beginning to realize that this is the point, there are some children who need this kind of stretch early. My oldest would have been a disaster away from home before 20! My second will do fine at college but I could not have seen her leaving home before now. The one aspiring to boarding school was bored at 2 year old play dates and has always wanted more.</p>
<p>What is it about boarding school that creates tension? I know it did for me when a friend suggested I was shortchanging my children by not considering it. For me it seemed inexplicable to surrender the parenting role during what are possibly among the most vulnerable years for kids -- 13-18. Puberty, their first kiss, study skills, cliques, not to mention the final brain development for concrete thinking skills. Such dramatic changes occur during these years, and to me, abdicating my role as a parent and removing the child from the center of the family at this point seems contrary to all my instincts. Is that completely selfish? Perhaps.</p>
<p>After several exchanges on the subject with my friend who was so enthusiastic about boarding school -- her husband had attended one of the more prominent ones and it was understood that her sons would as well -- she admitted that our circumstances were very different. Her husband's profession required him to be away from home about 20 of every 24 hours; she raised the children almost completely alone. There were no family dinners and Dad did not participate in the childrens' lives, although he is a very nice man and caring father -- he just cannot be there. I believe she thought her boys were better off in the structured environment that would be provided at BS. Interestingly, the option was not offered to their daughter, who remained at home and attended public school.</p>
<p>As far as kids at BS being more mature and articulate, that could either be because they are genuinely so or because they are self-consciously aware of the image they are 'expected' to project. There are enormous pressures on our young people, many of them so ingrained they aren't even aware they are not chosen. I'm sure many young people thrive in a boarding school environment -- I actually think I would have. We all know families so dysfunctional we wish we could help the children escape to a more benign setting. But can boarding school intrinsically be a better choice than an intact, happy family with siblings and a decent educational setting? I suppose I could be convinced, but it would take some doing. </p>
<p>Who is going to care more about imparting the deep lessons of life to these young people, their parents or a BS teacher? All the research suggests that when it comes to discussion of drugs, alcohol and sex, it is guidance from parents that is most effective in making their decisions. Otherwise, I believe what occurs is peers raising one another, something that strikes me as somewhat poignant for all but the very confident and mature few. However, not having been part of the tradition, perhaps I'm missing something...</p>
<p>One of the most fascinating aspects of BS to me is the tradition among missionary families who are posted in European/Asian or African countries who send their very young children to BS. Can you imagine sending a five-year-old thousands of miles away while you teach the children in the village you are serving? Slightly mind-boggling...</p>
<p>nah boarding school kids are normal and they are close with their parents. it's just like going to college 4yrs early. i am seeing some strange opinions in this thread. most parents dont view it as the "final option." it's a question of opportunity.</p>
<p>chinaman, i doubt bush is gonna help the andover kids out. maybe his friends, but it looks like he's trying to hide his andover education. the direct line hasn't donated in quite a while. check out the recent report of annual giving.</p>
<p>Momstheword: my son was not "nontraditional." His teachers either liked him or were appalled by him in his public school (where, BTW, I taught--and knew his teachers very well). He didn't work unless he thought the teacher knew more than him--and most of his teachers didn't manage to get his respect. (There were three who did.) His test scores were excellent, though. (NMS qualifying score in ninth grade, which is why the boarding school took him--they were (as I said) second-rate, and had no qualifiers that year (2 my son's year, one of them my son).)</p>
<p>In short, my son looked like a slacker. He acted like a slacker. Boarding school gave him the challenges he needed. If we could have found that environment in a local private school, that would have been nice. The boarding school, however, was willing to take him (which the local private schools weren't, because of his grades) because they had boarding school space.</p>
<p>It's important to understand that there is really very little competition for boarding school spaces EXCEPT in the very best boarding schools. Most of the rest fail to fill their dormitories--or can double up a few students. They can take a chance on a questionable boarding student because they get the tuition and boarding space paid for--for the entire year--and hope things go well. That's one reason why so many have 13th year programs. Often, by having your kid board you can get the kid into a school that s/he couldn't get into as a day student. I took advantage of that for my son.</p>
<p>dmd -- you bring up one important thing the boarding school experience offers -- a chance to 'reinvent', which is nearly impossible within the confines of the prescribed social structure of almost any high school, public or private. Once a label is assigned, it's almost impossible to shake it off, and short of a family uprooting and moving away, boarding school is the one alternative that gives a teenager a chance to start over as the person s/he has become, not the person others decided s/he is.</p>
<p>Dizzymom wrote: "One of the most fascinating aspects of BS to me is the tradition among missionary families who are posted in European/Asian or African countries who send their very young children to BS."</p>
<p>For colonialist families in Asia 7 was the age when they would put their children on the boat for their home country and often not see them for years. Even today, my British friends do the same, though of course communication and visiting has somewhat improved. To them, denying their child the chance to make connections at school is tantamount to child abuse. They say thats where they will make connections that will serve them through life. In spite of the recurrent danger here in Indonesia we decided to keep our son at home and since everything turned out well we dont regret it. Im sure he would have done well at boarding school, but Im not sure I would have done well without him.</p>
<p>At age 7 my brother couldn;t read and the school told my parents he was "challenged" (using a less flattering term) and the Harvard Psychologist told my parents that it was because (this is not a joke) "the gender roles were not well defined in your home" (parents were highly egalitarian). After a year of girls wearing only skirts and my brother washing no dishes he still could not read. He was sent to a boarding school for younger kids 3 hours from home where a teacher had a clue how to teach a dyslexic children. 6 years, and several schools later he came home reading, writing, spelling etc. </p>
<p>By then, I was already off to boarding school. I was already (at age 15) running my own life and my parents and I knew that we were a much better team seeing each other only periodically. My parents hoped the school would be more of an academic challenge than the public school. It wasn't and then it closed so I went to another school. Not a big challenge either but not a big deal, just a blip. The math teacher taught me calculus 1:1 and they started a physics class just for me!</p>
<p>I have no idea if it is still true today, but in my freshman class at MIT the 3 schools which sent the most students were Bronx Science, Stuyvesant and Andover. I had good friends from each and there was a friendly rivalry, which is why I remember. </p>
<p>I would avoid overgeneralizing on the idea of where boarding school grads go as I would avoid overgeneralizing about boarding school itself. For the right child, for the right reason, for the right school....sure. </p>
<p>As is true for many topics in child rearing, I believe there are no absolutes in regards to the boarding school issue.</p>
<p>Momrath, what you say is my issue. I know daughter would do well and wants this experience, but I'm a little bit afraid of how I'll do. Not sleeping tonight, Chinaman's words resonate: I was raised to put my children's desires first. I'm starting to look at the parent role differently, especially for this child bursting at the seams for adventure and challenge.</p>
<p>Sorry, DMD77.</p>
<p>Dizzymom, I politely have to say that I take exception to your saying that parents who send their kids to a boarding school are "abdicating" their parental roles.....many of us who went had great parents who'd already instilled the values we needed to make our way in the world, away from a home environment......I was home every other weekend as well as were many of my friends......its not the time you spend with your children, its the way you spend it when you're with them.</p>
<p>I am not going to judge people solely on whether or not they enroll their kids in boarding school. We haven't seen the need to, my oldest attended wonderful K-12 private schools ( the elementary school she is now working at ) the resources in our area, met her needs and our wallet ( she worked 4x a week with horses- but it was volunteer so free and less than a mile from our house).
I really like having her around, not that she was around much in high school, but she definitely still lived here, and I always knew where she was.
( If she had went to boarding school- I don't see how she could have come home every other weekend)
Her sister has had a much rougher time in school, but she is currently in a public high school that is probably the best public school in the state, certainly it is tied IMO with the private prep schools in the area. She is in a good place right now, still adjusting to high school life in an inner city neighborhood, but getting really good grades and slowly making new friends. If she started to get into trouble, boarding school would be something I would consider, but not the first or last resort.
I think it really depends on the student and the school.
For some students it is enough to facilitate teh extra resources in your area, for others it is better that it comes from a third party.</p>
<p>Kirmum:</p>
<p>My kid were the one who selected the place beacuse they liked certain aspect of each school. Since $$$$$ was not a concern, I just went along with their choices. This way they are learning to make their own decisions and I am growing with them as a parent. If they choose to go to different place, I would have been equally happy. </p>
<p>Most of the kid who are in boarding school and are successful, the kid want to be thier. I do not see any kid surviving long if they go agaisnt their wishes as parent wants them. </p>
<p>Kirmum let your daughter make her own decision, if she wants to go and you can afford, cheer for her. If she does not want to go, supoort her. Let your kid make the decision and be there for her and cheer her. You would have wonderful relation with your daughter. My parents were very opposed to come to America but once I told them, they supported me all the way. Parent do not need anything from other than kids well being and happiness.</p>
<p>DKE -- point well taken, and no injury intended. I should have qualified it as being such for me. If my child is living under another roof and in the care of other adults, I am not parenting the child, and under those circumstances, to me I believe I have abdicated my parental role. In fact, I presume I would be required to sign releases doing just that in order to permit disciplinary and medical intervention as well as moral and educational guidance. If someone else is doing that, even 5 out of 7 days a week (I think many children are too far away at BS to come home for weekends) I consider that I have abdicated my parental role. I thought it was an objective observation, not a value judgement, and I apologize that you took it as such.</p>
<p>I've been (jokingly) trying to convince my kids to be the first home-schooled college kids, offering to print up sweatshirts that read "U. of Mom". They aren't buying it...BS advocates might be appalled by my more "hands-on" parenting attitudes, seeing them as suffocating and provincial. Each to his/her own.</p>
<p>Boarding schools would not be operating today if they didn't offer something useful and important. There are many ways to raise happy and successful children. I made a decision that for OUR family it would not have worked; by no means do I judge yours or any other family's decision by my values.</p>
<p>When we went on our "high school search", my son simply told me that he could not leave me for 4 years....and I was plenty relieved as this was his idea in the first place. He will be graduating from public HS in spring with no regrets. Sometimes, especially during the one time in your life when you are young and "taken care of", academics must take a back seat to other opportunities.</p>
<p>Reading all of your comments has given me clarity. Let the kid lead! Daughter has spent the past few days printing every piece of info she can find from boarding school web sites. She has talked about little else since last weekend which she spent with Choate girls. She has asked for a week on the E. Coast for Christmas! Thank you and I guess I'm in for some cold tours of boarding schools.</p>
<p>Dizzymom: "reinvent" is exactly the idea I was trying to explain. I didn't detail my daughter's BS experience--not so dramatic--but it put her, too, in leadership roles and got her away from the tormenting "alpha girl" at her middle school, and also gave her a chance to start fresh. BS gave both my kids a chance to leave terrible school experiences behind.</p>
<p>Momstheword: no apology needed. I was trying to clarify, and Dizzymom said it better in the end.</p>
<p>All I can say is that it is wonderful to feel you have choices for your child. It feels wonderful when you feel you have made the right choice. 2 years ago my husband's British employer wanted us to move to another country (with a school with a HS program incompatible with what my children were doing- they were then near the end of 11th and 10th grades). When my husband suggested a 2 year delay so that the boys could finish school, his employer suggested that the problem was ours in that we had not put the boys in boarding school earlier. We looked into keeping the eldest where we were, but having him live with another family to finish his senior year. We considered putting both boys in a European boarding school which would be close to our new home. It was a fine school and they would have done well, but it would not have been a fitting end to their 10 year career in the school that had become their community....We had to make a choice, he quit his job!</p>
<p>After reading all of the comments, I am convinced that it's a very personal decision. Clearly, everyone here has the best interest of their child in mind. We all have different views on what's best for our own children. My borther and I probably would have enjoyed and flourished in a boarding school. We were pretty independent kids and had strict parents - we would have welcomed the departure form home. My style, as a parent, is the complete opposite of my parents. I'm huge on nurture.....HUGE! Not that BS parents aren't ...but let's get real...you are giving up a major portion of your involvement with your children if you board them. If someone was to guarantee me an Ivy spot for my 6 yr old in exchange for boarding her at 14, I'd pass (unless she was begging to try it). It's just not worth it for me. Aren't we prioritizing education over family when we board children? I believe so. And, for those who make that decision, that's their choice. Then again, I'm the mom who believes in the family bed, doesn't let the baby cry themselves to sleep, didn't force my kids to stick to a feeding schedule, etc.....I just go with my gut and what feels right......and sending them away feels wrong to me and no SAT score would make me change my mind on that. I still don't see what these schools offer children that parents can't replicate at home (better!)....except that they are without their family. </p>
<p>Kirmum, I'm really curious about your comment: "I would just like to say that the one clear correlation I am able to make between parents and boarding school kids is that the parents are among the best I know"</p>
<p>What makes them the "best?" Perhaps we all have different views on what makes a parent "best". (though, I don't think I would even know how to judge any parent as "best" - as an observer)</p>
<p>"I still don't see what these schools offer children that parents can't replicate at home (better!)....except that they are without their family."</p>
<p>For my D- We could not replicate at home the opportunity for her to study her art (voice) in an environment where she was surrounded by many of the most talented kids in the country (and internationals, for that matter). She felt accepted as a musician, which she did not feel here at home at a school and a community where the cheerleader mentality prevailed. She appreciated her family more from a distance, I might add. </p>
<p>For my S- He is not a child who welcomed nurturing once he hit adolescence. We did the best we could, but there are some kids who are just difficult. He ruined some good educational opportunities for himself and once he matured a little bit, he realized that the best place he could be was a boarding school that challenged him academically and athletically. He learns lessons better from mentors such as coaches, respected teachers and, yes, even peers, than he does from his parents. Not all families work perfectly all the time. We have a good relationship with our son, but we all do better with some space.</p>