<p>Robyrm....when my S HS principal said we don't have enough coursework for your S. He has exhausted all our math/science curricula by the time he was in 9th grade with the exception or AP CALC, I decided to take him on a quest for a private school..boarding or otherwise. He made "Horace Mann" in Riverdale, could not be bussed to Bronx Science though both my brother and nephews have gone there ( we live in White Plains NY), too far, and finally we tried "Andover." He made Andover as well...and had a gnarly-looking old man in Larchmont NY interview him..turned out to be the sweetest gentleman you would ever want to meet. He called me up...asked if my S had religion...I said, Yes...He's been an altar boy for 7 yrs. He said, "Good! He's going to need it if he goes to Andover. You need to have something...some spiritual life to go there or you will be lost." I'll never forget those words. what was he trying to tell us?? Were there outside influences that could wreak havoc on an innocent mind??/ Drugs, sex, alcohol??? My S said..."no way. I'm not quite ready to leave my family." He spent his last three years in public HS. He took AP's in 3 other high schools in the immediate area and also CALC III and IV at a local community college. We tried to keep him home for as long as we could. He simply was NOT ready to take the plunge..whether it be out of fear or laziness. NOT SURE. He graduated from Harvard in four years...could have done it in three but wanted to LEARN. What am I trying to say? If one of their own said there were many outside influences, then you better know what kind of kid you are sending there......there are the followers and then, there are the leaders.</p>
<p>Boarding school isn't necessarily about "guaranteeing" a spot in the Ivies.....actually very few girls at my school went to Ivy League schools...that's not the point.....We're considering it now for our son, and it would be a tremendous sacrifice for us to do it..financially as well as emotionally...but we also want him to be with kids who are motivated like he is...."raise the bar" so to speak....</p>
<p>For my brother- the chance to be educated as opposed to warehoused.</p>
<p>For me- the chance to extend my already spread wings. It is completely arbitrary to assume that all children are ready to leave the nest at exactly age 18. There is a distribution in the readiness for greater independence. My need at age 15 was not specialized learning environments (enrichment would have been nice..)- it was for the chance to push my limits for self management and to stand more completely on my own 2 feet. </p>
<p>Thankfully, my parents recognized what they (and the local schools) could and couldn't do and worked hard to make sure that we all had our needs met, including my sister who never went to boarding school!!</p>
<p>There is more to the boarding school environment than academics, much, much more. You sign up for the "whole package" when you go, and that is what appeals to some, and repels others.</p>
<p>Choice is the greatest luxury of all...</p>
<p>Kirmum, all are correct! Let the kid lead seems to be the take home message. We never seriously considered "real" boarding school for our daughter, for all the reasons that Momsdream mentions. But there is a state magnet math and science high school in our city that she and we did consider. The school is for juniors and seniors, with a few sophs; the students must board during the week, even if, as we do, their families live locally. The brother of her very best friend transferred there as a junior and graduated from the school. So when she and her friend were freshmen, they began talking about going. Then her friend's family was transferred out of state leaving her a little bereft. She was lonely at her high school, and explored the idea of transferring to the boarding magnet school - finally deciding to stay at her school. We let her work through this (granted she was older than 14, but not much). I know she made the right decision for herself, although she has remained somewhat lonely and has not had the kind of high school experience that makes a kid reluctant to graduate.</p>
<p>(Part of this fascination with boarding schools in my daughter's age group and her friends is the Harry Potter syndrome - it is very real, and has fueled new interest in boarding schools, and, I think, Yale as well.)</p>
<p>What I meant about the boarding school parents I know is they are notably very intelligent, have strong family values and really dig to find opportunities for their children. They are the folks I have sought out for advice on interesting summer opportunities, travel for children and the like. Of course I know a sum total of 8 boarding school families. They are all people I greatly admire though. What this board shows more than anything is how differently people view their perental roles. When I talk to boarding school families about the loss of closeness, they scoff at the idea. Truly, how often do you see your high school children? If you guys are getting quality time I'm doing something wrong! If they are fully engaged, as mine have been from a young age, they are at school and doing ECs until well into the evening most days. While I live for the weekend days they are willing to spend with me, they seem to be few as they get older. The boarding parents make the point that their kids are home about 5 months a year with no homework or local ECs. Looking at some school calanders, it really makes sense that they send the kids home often for lengthy breaks. Two mothers commented to me that the nightly phone calls were more time than their kids had spent really listening to them at home! So what is parenting if your child is mature and independent? All of the people who feel their kids have met the best possible peer group at these schools and have grown in ways they could not have at home couldn't be wrong. Nor are those who feel their teens still require daily nurturing. But really folks, those of you trying to say that you are not doing a proper job of parenting if you send a kid off to school should really rethink their position. It suggests that parenting might be a need you have as opposed to one your children have.</p>
<p>I think that it is more that parents have expressed that it wouldn't be something they would consider for their kids and their family.
The men I know who went to Lawrenceville have said that there were elements that they would not want their kids exposed to ( hazing etc).
However the family that sent their kids to Hotchkiss, are two of the best parents I know, and their kids thrived there.
I would have loved to go to boarding school, unfortunately by the time I left high school, I was pretty fed up with the education system in generaly and didn't even go off to college.
I admit that with my older daughter working at the zoo every week, spending summers at a residential camp where she again worked with horses, and her ECs at school, the most I saw her was when I drove her to school every day.
But while boarding schools can be great places, you also have a very self selected group and you also have to admit that some kids ARE there because their parents don't want to deal with them, and that some of them are little snots. Not the kids fault, but when you have been treated like an accessory that has been outgrown, and the parents then throw money at them to make themselves feel better, some of the kids are going to have a time getting their head on straight again.</p>
<p>NAH........I know people who sent kids to boarding school cause they didn't want the hassle of picking up kids after school, attending their silly track meets, listening to them tell you you don't know where it's at, dominating the telephone line (before cell phones), borrowing the family car, not to mention staying up pacing at night waiting for them to come home from a party or date...etc. Those are the only parents I know who sent their kids to boarding schools in my day. We had the pleasure of doing all of the above and having our children see us in the worst of times as well as the best of times. They seem to have an idea as to what parenting is all about now...in all of its glory as well as misery!! and I don't see them rushing into it!</p>
<p>If I can believe what I'm being told, (and every school I'm looking at requires an interview, as many recs as colleges, counselor statements, etc.) the better schools will not accept a kid who does not want to be there. Now I think we could have a whole different conversation about those outside of the selective and highly selective. The stats drop off alarmingly when you really examine the whole list of schools. I would be quite concerned that many are filled with troubled non achievers who parents can't deal with. </p>
<p>So here I am, a parent with at home kids who took the week off to be with them. Except they are off and running and I'm on a messege board and talking to the UPS man.</p>
<p>And another thing...I'm on a roll. My kids ended up with friends at PENN and HARVArd who were also private school boarding kids!!! So in the long run...what did it matter??? Heck, I'd rather save the $100,000 or so and take my family on an honest to goodness cruise circling the globe for 185 days...then I'll be really sick of parenting and family togetherness.</p>
<p>I hope the UPS man is more entertaining than this thread! LOL!</p>
<p>And lo and behold.....I am at work trying to earn the tuition money to send them to these fancy private universities...so they can hopefully FIND themselves with all the choices they have had to struggle with...now let me see, should I go to Harvard or MIT?</p>
<p>Bah! Humbug!</p>
<p>I am so irritated at UPS I ordered something from catalog in Portland Oregon ( I m in Seattle) but the merchandise is coming from Maryland! ( we wont be here when it gets here and they wont change the delivery address)
On the other hand the stuff I ordered from LLBean fedex budget is here already.
::::::the heck with the eggnog, where's the rum!::::</p>
<p>I don't think that the decision of whether or not your child should attend a boarding school (or day school, for that matter) should be based on whether the school has a good track record of Ivy League admissions. Often, the mediocre students at Exeter could be the valedictorian at their local public school. Though I believe few local public schools surpass the education of Exeter, Andover, etc. I do think that if admissions strategies are your game, you could win either way, so it is a moot point.</p>
<p>Pass the "Christmas" eggnog.....hold the eggnog!</p>
<p>Kirmum, I had not read this thread for a few days. I had originally posted on it when the discussion was more to do with prep schools in relation to college admissions and so forth and believe that is not a good reason to pick a boarding school. Now, I see the discussion has turned into many other aspects to do with this high school decision. </p>
<p>I will add my two cents. I think you are looking for rationale or validation for why to send your child to boarding school. I think people should do what is best for them and what they value and want. There is no right or wrong. I do not doubt for an instant that you have met really neat kids who have had this boarding school experience and speak favorably of it. You also say that they come from great families and I don't doubt it. I do think you could find some of the greatest kids at publics too from very involved and dedicated families who also care about opportunities for their kids (you mentioned summer and travel programs for example). </p>
<p>I would never put down boarding school as I am sure some of them are great experiences. In fact, I have no doubt that my own kids would have enjoyed and thrived at such schools. In fact, they probably would have had a better high school education in some respects....for instance, I could see my oldest D going to Deerfield or Andover or Exeter and thriving. My younger D would love a place like Interlochen or Walnut Hill, no doubt. It is not like I don't care about education or the best opportunities for my kids. I happen to value education HIGHLY and have constantly been dedicated to providing opportunities for my kids that they want to do. </p>
<p>However, for one thing, I cannot afford boarding school. But even if I could, it is not an option I would consider for my own kids but do not frown upon those who find this the best choice for their family. I know many local folks who have chosen to send their kids to those prep schools. They are good people too. Some did it, I think, with hopes of a better chance at good colleges and I already told you what I thought of that reason. Some, I am sure, just did it cause those are better high schools than our local public (and we don't have local day privates). I want my kids to grow up at home. I am not saying that those who opt for boarding school abdicate all parenting. But it is clearly a different type of upbringing and parenting. Perhaps it is selfish but I want to be a part of their daily lives. You mentioned that how much do we see our kids anyway since they are out til late at night at ECs (mine too!) and all that. That is true but I am attending all their events many times per week, in the car transporting and talking to them enroute to all these activities, yelling at them over this or that (lol), and just part of daily life that is not the same as daily phone contact.</p>
<p>I can say this now having a child as a freshman in college. She calls home a LOT and shares everything about her life at college but it is not the same as it was when she was here and we chatted each day about what was going on in her life, maybe I read a paper she wrote, maybe I discussed an issue that happened at school, I watched her dance class, I attended her games/races, I packed her lunch (!), and I shared in person many moments. I don't have that now but that is ok because at some point she had to leave home and I wanted her to, for college. I am sure she would have been fine leaving home in high school and adjusted easily because she has gone away every summer since young and adjusted immediately to college life. But I would have missed out in being part of her daily life in person. I think she would have missed out too. I sure miss my daily games, races, recitals, dinners, drives, etc. etc. with her. She may have gotten a better high school education at an elite prep school but she found ways to have her learning needs met right here. She sought out opportunities here to be enriched and accelerated in academics, including indep. studies. She had a wealth of EC opportunities here and enriching summers. She did not go to a known public. She ended up at an Ivy league school and is thriving there and actually getting top grades. Many of her classmates attended private schools. </p>
<p>If YOUR child is begging to go to boarding school and this is the opportunity YOU want for her AS WELL, there is nothing wrong with your decision if it works for all of you. You don't have to justify it to anyone. It is not something I would do but it just is not what I want. I care about good schools but am not willing to send my child away before college for that reason alone. Instead, we found plenty of ways to make the most of schools and opportunities in our area and in summers. It may not be as good as boarding school but it was balanced out by the fact that we wanted to raise them at home. </p>
<p>Parents who send their kids to boarding schools love them just as much as those of us who keep them at home in high school. Parents of kids in local public schools care about educational opportunities as much as those who send their kids away. Different choices work for different folks.</p>
<p>I let CC leap off the pages and mentioned this thread to Dizzy-husband over dinner last night while we were out Christmas shopping. We had just toasted each other (something we can only do privately given that many kids we know are agonizing over rejections or deferrals) over S's great news and I mentioned the comment a BS advocate had thrown out as to 'how much do you really see your high-schooler anyway?" After all, it's true that it's mostly coming and goings, with the possible exception of some nagging here and there. </p>
<p>Dizzy-husband pondered that for just a moment, but then rejected it out of hand. "Would you give up any of those 'sightings'?", he asked. Brief though they may have been, they have made up the fabric of our family these past three years. We have watched S grow from a gangly youngster to a confident young man. He went through his "complete independence" phase but now I have the honor of proofing many of his papers, because he is secure enough to resist making any changes but those he truly respects. We banter as equals about verse and prose and nothing in the world makes me happier. If he were at BS, I would miss being greeted by a loud belch when he arrives home from his workout, and I wouldn't have had the pleasure of seeing his first love relationship grow before my eyes. We celebrated his college acceptance with dinner out the other night and I saw all my years of training pay off when he very politely seated his gf at the table. She commented that her father, upon meeting Dizzy-S, had told her that it was gratifying to see there 'was still one well-raised young man out there.' (Clearly he has not heard the belching!)</p>
<p>Of course you can hear about all these things on the phone or when your children come home from BS. For ME, it wouldn't be enough -- unless I knew that I was sentencing them to a sub-par education or an unhealthy family or community life in order to have them near me. There are justifications for every decision; exceptions to every rule, many ways to be good parents and ALL of us succeed brilliantly and fail in small ways, regardless of where our children attend school.</p>
<p>Just as those of us who raise our children at home cannot know or judge the benefits of a BS education, it is probably unwise to presume that those children not attending BS are less happy, less well-parented and less well-prepared for college or life than those who do. Life is a long race with many, many winners, thankfully. All of us are here on this forum for the ostensible reason of contributing in a greater sense to the best in higher education; I suspect our many points of view can be put to better use when considered collaboratively rather than competitively.</p>
<p><em>gets off soapbox now</em></p>
<p>Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Must be the holidays getting to me.</p>
<p>I pretty much thought there had been a non-competitive consensus! Where I left off is that this is clearly an individual child/individual family dicision. It's clear to me there are some kids who will be happier at boarding school but probably many more who would be happier at home. My high school sophmore son is absolutely horrified that his sister is so excited by the concept while sister has already started packing for a trip back East to look! I have to say, I'm surprised at how controversial this subject is. I received numerous private messeges from people wanting to tell me of their and their kid's experience (mostly very positive), each explaining that they didn't want to get flamed for posting publically on this subject! What's up with that?</p>
<p>Of great surprise to be is the opinion of college sophmore son who just weighed in. Wile he is at a good school for his major, he laments the fact that it is a State schhol, near home with very few out of State kids. He is jealous of the experiences and wide range of friendships many of his friends have. He told sister to go for it! My son who wouldn't leave home until junior year of college!</p>
<p>Kirmum, I have no idea what is up with that. I don't see anyone needing to justify such a decision. In fact, I can support boarding school for others. The only guess I can fathom for their not coming forward is they think others may frown upon them as parents for letting their kids go away and I surely am not going to do that. It works for them and there is nothing wrong with it. It just is not for me. </p>
<p>I can also state that it is very likely my kids would have been happier with private prep schools than with our local school in terms of their actual education. I don't doubt it. But everything is a trade off. Their education was "good enough" and we met their needs just fine. The trade off to be gained by a better high school was not worth the other things we/they might have given up. Each choice has benefits, the way I see it. I don't think my kids suffered. I don't think kids at boarding school necessarily suffer either. There are advantages in such schools. But there are some advantages in our choice too. I even like/prefer that my kids went to a school with diverse kids socio-economically and where some are not even college bound. I like many of the opportunities they have had outside the school day here. I liked being part of their day to day life in person. By the same token, they might have been with MORE like minded students at prep school. They might have had better classes. We have a mixed bag in terms of teachers/classes. Some are just as good as you can get at boarding school. Some are not. We don't have the college counselor thing you get at prep school. But our GC knows my girls really really well but just did not do much in terms of ever suggesting colleges or help with applications but he was very supportive and could write a personal counselor report of the girls showing indepth knowledge of them. Our school has no "connection" with any selective colleges. I have kids who have stood out in their local school and I can't prove if they would have at boarding school though they may have. My D from our measly rural school is exceling at her Ivy school at present so I guess she was prepared or smart enough. </p>
<p>Each school situation has trade offs. That is why you should not question what is right for your family. Weigh the pros and cons and do what works for you. If your kid is dying to do this and you can afford it and you are willing to not have her live at home during high school, then there is no problem! </p>
<p>I have NO doubt that those who sent their kids to boarding school are relating positive experiences. I have no doubt if my own kids went that they would love it immensely. However, I don't think they suffered from the choices we have made. They have also gotten to do summer programs with a different grouping of kids. For me, I did not weigh the pros and cons of our school over a boarding school (I see pros/cons for each anyway). It never came to that. As I said, I can't afford boarding school but moreover I just would not consider it as GREAT as I know it would be, because I want them living at home until college and I don't think they got the lesser of the two choices. They just got one of the choices (made by us) and either choice had plusses and minusses. </p>
<p>Susan</p>