Prep Schools

Parents Forum
101

<p>You know, I dyslexed for a second when reading the list of threads and thought this was about Perp Schools...you know, where people like Ken Lay (Enron), Tom DeLay (GOP House), etc. went to school. Might have been more interesting reading.</p>

<p>Garland's post is key, imo. At what age do you do "what is best for the child," assuming that in all hubris you can determine what that is, and are you willing to send your child "Away"?</p>

<p>Call me Uncle Vernon but I just can't conceive it, myself. There are deficits on each side of the equation, imo. And while choosing the more traditional route, we jumped through numerous hoops to address as many of those deficits as we could, some with choices that in long term added up to more than boarding school tuition.</p>

<p>I am thrilled to have my D away on her own now (though she'll be home at the airport in about nine hours :) ) but I wouldn't have missed those years getting her ready for that launch into the world for anything, nor do I think she would make such a trade either. </p>

<p>All di gustibus in the end.</p>

102

<p>When you can send your child to a Perp school as a day student, you get the best of both worlds! (perp and Non-perp)</p>

103

<p>What about the idea that many kids are bored their last few years at a school or a school system and a totally new environment would really get them excited? When I think about it logically, it seems to me that there is almost something bizarre about 16 and 17 year olds living at home all the time. Is that not prolonging adolescense? I don't think that was always done that way through out history. just thinking out loud and just my opinion. please don't flame.</p>

104

<p>Cubfan writes: "it seems to me that there is almost something bizarre about 16 and 17 year olds living at home all the time. Is that not prolonging adolescense?"</p>

<p>I don't know what you mean about PROLONGING adolescence. They ARE adolescents! You'd have a point if you were talking 21 year olds. How is it prolonging something when you are IN that stage of life? I don't get that line of reasoning. </p>

<p>And by the way, I am saying that even though I happen to have a child getting ready to leave home at age 16 for college. It is simply that I don't agree with your opinion or reasoning in that statement.</p>

105

<p>"It suggests that parenting might be a need you have as opposed to one your hildren have." Well, yes, I think parenting is a need I have. I am readying myself to relinquish the day-in-day-out parenting when my daughter goes to college, but I cannot do it one minute before then. Does that make me a better or worse parent than somebody who is different? No. Do I get a lot of time with my daughter? Yes. For one thing, she doesn't drive, so I drive her to school and back every day;. If she has an after-school EC, I drive her home when it's over. If it's off-campus, more driving! These drives have always been a special time for us to talk things over. And, because we are observant Jews, unless she's away for some weekend thing, we are at home Friday nights and Saturday until sundown, though not necessarily in each other's pocket for that whole time period.</p>

106

<p>SearchingAvalon....I must admit that the comment about parenting being a need the parent has as opposed to one that the children have struck me too. I also admit that parenting is a need I have. I don't care if the kids said it was their need or not as it is something I think they need. Given that they are minors, I can still decide on something I think they need. I admit that I do not want to send them away during high school for my own needs, but I also admit I don't want to send them away for what I perceive to be their parenting needs too. I want it FOR them. And for now, until they are adults, I can make that decision in what I think is in their best interests. I don't apologize for it either. </p>

<p>I don't judge if others don't feel this way and frankly support what choices work for them. But this choice about parenting works for me.</p>

<p>PS....I am a DRIVER for sure! ;-)
At sixth grade graduation, each student was able to call her parents to the stage individually and make a presentation of thanks as to what got them there in the first place and one of the funny lines my older D said, was about how much I support her and drive her to all her activities and how I was going to be "out of a job" when she got her license!</p>

107

<p>The comment was not meant to be judgemental. A lot of the comments I was reacting to were along the lines of "I wouldn't want to miss." Well of course no parent wants to miss events in their children's lives. I am suffering that my oldest leaves Christmas day as he splits the holiday with his GFs family! In my mind, it's like what Cubfan said. I am beginning to understand that there are kids who need more of a challenge and more independence earlier than others. My 13 year old is developmentally at about the same level as my 16 year old. I seriously doubt she would be happy through four years at the high school where he excels and is considered mature for his age. So I personally feel the hardest thing I am facing is my need to parent v. my individual child's need to be parented.</p>

108

<p>In this whole equasion, I keep asking myself, who made 18 the magic age at which a child is ready to leave home? I admit to seeing posts about 16 year olds off to college and wondeing if that's a good idea. But clearly there is an enormous range of what these kids need and are ready for. As the mother of four with only one father I marvel daily at their differences. I wonder if my rejecting the idea of boarding school is akin to what my neighbors have done in not allowing their kids to leave home summers. They are wonderful people who just feel their kids belong at home and you can't trust strangers with them. Or my son's friend's mom who won't let him drive until 21 because that's when the insurance institute believes it's really safe. Where is the line?</p>

109

<p>I'm just visiting from the high school page but i have to say, from a kids perspective, What about a little adventure in life??? I think it could be a great experience even if it doesn't work out. You learn from all you do , good and bad. it seems to me it is like living on your own but you do have supervision. I want to give it a try. you only go around once and there is a shorter window to try boarding school than there is for collefe. You can always go back to college but not high school my .02</p>

110

<p>Kirmum, Thanks for the clarification. In response to your wondering, I think you should trust yourself and your knowledge of your children and your decision-making.</p>

111

<p>sorry, one more thing. i dare you guys to go to hotchkiss, deerfield, andover, st. pauls or other bs websites and tell me you don't think it looks like the experience of a life time!! You can't believe these places until you see them. ok i'm outta here. Flame on</p>

112

<p>I certainly hope that your teenage years, whether you spend them at a boarding school or not are not seen as "the experience of a lifetime".
It only gets better once you become an adult, even though I do know those who look at their place in high school as the "time of their life".</p>

113

<p>Kirmum, I, as well, like SearchAvalon posted, think you do NOT have to justify sending your D to boarding school. If you have solid reasons why it is better for her and you are comfortable with that, you should do it. What some here are saying, me included, is that WE don't feel comfortable for OURSELVES. I think you have reasons that make sense and your D wants to do it and you are all right with it (I THINK you are, right? or are you questioning your decision?) and so you should do it. </p>

<p>Cubfan, I don't think anyone here would disagree that what lots of those boarding schools offer looks GREAT. I think they do sound awesome and my kids would have enjoyed it. It just is not what we wanted to do. </p>

<p>Kirmum, like you, I have heard some people wonder how I could have sent my child away in summers to programs (not common here, unless for maybe a week) as if I was getting rid of them. My kids loved their summer programs immensely and we wanted to provide those experiences to them. We just do not want to do that year round....I don't mean opportunities/experiences but just not send them away for those year round. But some might criticize us for that. Some who hear that I went to summer camp for 8 weeks for ten summers growing up look aghast and I have to explain over and over how much I loved it and thank my parents for letting me go. They did not even love the camp we went to but us kids did. Some could say how could I let D2 graduate a year early and leave home. It is not like I WANT her to but she begged to be allowed to do this and justified her reasons and we have supported her in her desires in this matter. But even then, I did not want to lose the one more year she'd live at home but we are doing it anyway, for her. So, believe me, each case is different and you do NOT have to justify sending your child away if it is best frr her and best for you, in your view. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

114

<p>The idea that high school--in <em>any</em> fashion--should be the experience of a lifetime is boggling. Who wants to peak at 16?</p>

115

<p>I haven't peaked yet and I'm 55.</p>

116

<p>I'm just a lurker, but this one I have to answer. LET HER GO KIRMOM!!!!!!! I will tell my story. I was always a good student, but never really happy or unhappy at school. I went, I did my work, I did well. Parents thought I needed more and sent me to a very good private school in a major city. I went, I did well. A lot of lip service was paid to good character and our altruistic approach as a school, but the fact was there were a lot of spoiled rich kids, a lot of cliques, a lot of popularity based on superficial things. I was at the library my freshman year in high school and picked up a book that turned out to be essays written by boarding prep school students. The first one I read seemed to be written by me! A girl my age finds herself at a prep school after years of wondering why her school life is filled with a bunch of shalloe girls. She meets soul mates. I keep reading. Stories of motivated kids who find themselves, finally, in an environment that makes sense to them. Everyone loves the process of learning. All of these kids have different, exceptional talents. There are music lovers that match my degree of love for music.</p>

<p>"Read this, please," I ask my mother. This is it. This is me. "No good mother sends their 15 year old away to school," she answers. And on and on. She would miss me. She wants me to be Homecoming queen. What would she do with her time? A stay at home mother, I was the reason for her lifestyle. Just out of the question. Finally I wenr to my 82 year old Grandmother and begged that she intervene.
Grammy knows that she made the one greatest difference in my life. We talk about it still. She sat my mother down and told her she had made mistakes.</p>

<p>A year later I am at the most amazing of schools. Guess what? If there are spoiled rich kids (and there are a few) they learn to hide it pretty quick;y because popular requires not being a spoiled brat. The really obnoxious ones don't make it, they were much happier at their home schools where prevailing measures of popularity reigned. Soul mates? Right, left and center. Everyone is exceptional. Everyone loves classes. Everyone has passions. The level of enthusiasm for all of the great possibilities in life keeps us up talking until midnight many nights. Popularity is based on doing good things, being kind, achieving and being inclusive. Collectively, we come to understand leadership means being our best possible selves. We form bonds that we could have never understood at our past schools. The love and devotion of every member of the community is felt. And to consider the mundane, classes blow away anything we had ever known. Our talents are nutured by brilliant teachers and advisors. Most of all, by exceptional classmates.</p>

<p>This was without a doubt the best thing that could have happened to me. My wonderful years at an ivy U were indeed wonderful, but not the life defining years that my prep school years were. I have great friends from both, but the bond with my prep school friends, based on the fact that we all needed so much more and found it in each other, is more extraordinary. More defining. </p>

<p>These schools, the few really good ones, bring together some of the most gifted kids in the world at a time when the average school just isn't designed to meet their needs. The majority of teachers are fully qualified to be college professors and are teaching college level classes. They are choosing this as a more comprehensive lifestyle, one in which they interact 24/7 with their brilliant charges. They live in incredible quarters, are given generous pay, trips abroad and unbelievable perks that most colleges professors will never see.</p>

<p>My peers and I, without an exception I know, consider ourselves the most fortunate people on earth to have had this opportunity.</p>

<p>Giving your daughter this as opposed to being there to drive her to sports? LET HER GO!</p>

117

<p>Thank you jazzpiano, for that beautiful post. I'm wondering if you remember the name of the book that so touched you?</p>

118

<p>The Book is called second home. I have sent you a note telling you how to contact me if you or your daughter would like to talk.</p>

119

<p>AND MY ADVICE IS THAT IF YOU'RE CONSIDERING THIS SOLELY ON COLLEGE ADMISSIONS, YOU'D BEST THINK AGAIN!</p>

<p>Sorry for the caps, but this is important. A lot of people I met in high school went to (my) boarding school largely because they thought it'd give them an edge in getting into Harvard (or Yale or Princeton). It can. But it can also HURT you.</p>

<p>Here's an example. We had <em>93</em> (yep, count'em 93) applicants to Harvard my senior year of high school. You're competing with 92 of your peers who have all taken 2 AP languages, had their science work published in Nature, and won a national short story contest. The same people who did community service alongside you and debated national politics in French. Sure, we had forty-something admittances, and a dozen waitlists, but that means that roughly forty kids were turned away---kids who, had they gone to Joe Shmoe High School, probably would have been admitted because they were outstanding candidates. Even if Harvard is staring at 93 amazing applicants, people they would take individually from 93 different schools, they cannot fill up a fifth of their class from kids from one high school, no matter how great it is (and it's generally decent, let me tell you).</p>

<p>Same phenomena for Yale, Princeton, etc. In fact, there is lots of overlap from the kids who get into Harvard, Yale, Princeton (etc) and the waitlisted/rejected list. The college counselors stress that if you're not that top 50, you probably should apply somewhere else (Pomona, UPenn, Wellesley, Cornell). The top, top schools will all take the same chunk of 50 kids, give or take. </p>

<p>The solution? I think people underutilize some of the amazing smaller boarding schools out there, particularly the single-sex ones. I have friends who probably got a better education than me AND there is less competitiveness (i.e. 8 Harvard apps, not 93), although it doesn't mean that people don't necessarily go to just as many great (and Ivy) schools and in a similar porportion.</p>

<p>Based upon my friends' recs (I'm in college now), If I were any of you I'd definitely check out St. Andrew's, St. George's, Miss Hall's, Thacher, Cate, Miss Porter's, Dana Hall, Deerfield, Middlesex, Loomis-Chaffee, Kent, and Stevenson. (Assuming you'd already choose to look at the "name brand" boarding schools...)</p>

120

<p>I appreciate all the posts and the experiences shared. I, too, will second that there are more than a FEW great boarding schools. We did quite an extensive search for S, and found many, many fantastic schools- big, small, rural, city, single-sex, etc. There are a lot of kids interested in this experience, and, while, there are some which are not acceptable, there are many, many which provide top academics, nurturing and many valuable experiences. Karen</p>