<p>As my rising senior will soon be applying to schools, I am feeling inordinate pressure. I know the cliche remarks about not feeling it, but it is there nevertheless. We have been courting several Ivy League schools for the past two years and this summer is crunch time: decisions will soon be due. My kid competes in tournaments in the summer, and those performances really guage how receptive the coaches are. Well, the trail seems to have run cold. A number of coaches have told my kid that she can get in on her academics and be a "walk on."She's an absolutely fantastic student in her own right, and could probably get into any school she wanted on her sat scores and ec's and so forth. But for the longest time, having read how the chances of student athletes are so high, I'm feeling a little low.</p>
<p>Recently there were a few of her top choice school coaches following her around for a round and it was an abomination. just a really bad display of her talents. Maybe she was nervious that they were all there to watch her. I don't know, but they seemed very luke warm.
there are still two big tourmemtns for her to shine, so we will see.</p>
<p>But here is the main reason for writing. I'm feeling very bad about what has transpired with my kid and me. I get all worked up after a round thae I ask her why did you do that, whay d1d you eo hiw?\ and these sessions become very intesnse. If sh had a regualr coach with time for her, I would love to be out of the loop, But she doesn't have any time. So as I watch her during these tournaments I either help her, seeing that she is struggleing, or do nothing. And theses sessions end with us agrueing with one another about the right way to do things. any idea of mine are shot down.</p>
<p>Does anyone else go go through this? and OMg the applications are coming up and I see another world war coming!</p>
<p>Any of your adivce would be helpful. I kmow the general rule is that a parent should just be suportive and act as a parent, as opposed to a coach, but when she has no one to help her I can't just let her dangle there , learing at a snails pace
and these sessions end badly.and I had the feeling theat the coaches were losing interest.'::
She has treee big tounaments for the year. they are very competitive. I don't don't want to lost the bond forever and these discussions get very heated. Please help!</p>
<p>Remember she is your daughter first, a student and athlete second. I would venture to say almost none of us (or very few) remember with any particular emotion the time BEFORE we were applying to college, whether it was good or bad with our parents, right?
In the scheme of things…its a blur I would think for most of us. That proves this is just such a small dot on the radar screen in relation to the “big picture”. </p>
<p>Obviously she is going to go to college…great grades, she is going to get into some really good schools. Is it her absolute dream to play college sport of choice? Or yours? I do know some parents who want it more than their kids, nothing is wrong with it but in the end it creates tension when the parent is working harder at it then the kid. Just be sure its her dream as much as it is yours. If so, then plug ahead, I believe the less pressure they feel from us the better they perform. I really believe that. They are under so much pressure ALREADY. From peers already committing, coaches, school officials,etc…we should be that one “safe zone” where they feel totally comfortable and can be their most vulnerable.</p>
<p>Believe me, I totally get how you are feeling and we all hear how we are “supposed to feel” and its hard when you are going through it, living through the emotions of it and it is very emotion. I feel like we got a 6 month crash course. Some of the coaches that he thought were a “shoe in” literally disappeared. It was deflating to say the least. But then a few coaches came out the woodwork and sure enough in the end, it worked itself out (well, so far, Dec. it will be official:) I do think these things generally work themselves out.</p>
<p>If I could offer just one bit of advice…it would be this. Do your absolute best to say nothing but that you believe in her, all you can expect is for her to go to these remaining tourns. and try her very best. End of story. Not another word. Just giving her that vote of confidence and unconditional support could give her a fresh take on her confidence and approach. You have everything to gain (and so does she). I did that once for my sons last event, and he looked at me and said “who are you”? I smiled but immediately saw almost a relief to have been spared an umpteen pep talk.</p>
<p>Wishing you luck!! Trust me, many of us have been in your shoes.</p>
<p>Golden advice! Not another word of critique. Whatever you offered in terms of suggestion would be washed out by the tension and nerves so it won’t work the way you envisioned anyway. Just tell her you believe in her and you are so proud and happy to be able to be there to support her and watch her in these important moments. She will perform better without the stress and fights. One thing my son told me that I cherish dearly is that he said “I am so glad you are not one of those parents who get angry when I don’t do well. I know you are never disappointed in my performance if I try.” Be the parent first and it will absolutely work much better.</p>
<p>Sounds like your daughter plays golf or tennis. Very individual and probably the hardest sport to watch as a parent… I know, my son golfs. He has always said how glad he is that his father and I don’t know anything about the game because we just watch and enjoy (or cringe) pending the round. Honestly the above info is correct, just support her and be there for her. College coaches in the recruiting process actually like it when they see a kid struggle because it gives them an opportunity to see how they handle adversity.
Also if she really loves the sport something will happen for her. It might not be her dream school or first choice but if she is playing high level national events, she obviously has talent.
Be careful of being a helicopter parent!!! Coaches will run the opposite direction. In golf/tennis you are recruiting the family really. It is not a typical “team” sport in that aspect. My sons college coach and I have much communication on a regular basis as he, his swing coach and others are all on “team insert athletes last name” and we all have roles in helping him fulfill his dream. If it is golf feel free to PM me, I know it well.</p>
<p>It’s tough, especially when you have put in the time, energy, money to support your child in a sport and have been hearing for a while how you’ll get payback at college in fom of a scholarship. My son was a national athlete, but the schools that most wanted him were not the schools he wanted, in the least. And the ones he wanted did not give out much if any in scholarship money, and many were luke warm in interest for any number of reasons. All sort of crazy things happen in this process.</p>
<p>The fact of the matter is that if your kid is not one of the ones that is fighting off the coaches, it’s a tough go to get an athletic scholarship at a highly desired school or even get a coach’s “pass” for admissions. My son would have been a standout on the Cornell team with his stats, but they had their sights elsewhere, and yes, he had the academic numbers to possibly get accepted without the coach using his recruit quota on him. The coaches have their quotas and use them to stretch things as much as possible.</p>
<p>So look at the schools that are possibilities, that your student will like. Be aware that most athletes will not continue all 4 years, so the school itself is more important than the team. The crux of the matter is that the schools you don’t care much about, the cinches, measure clearly what your dd’s athletic prowress is worth in the NCAA market, much as it hurts to swallow this. The rest is all lottery as it is in any college process.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, even applying as a non recruit can often give a student a nod in the admissions process in the highly competitive schools. A savvy coach will know the admissions folks and can get some recruits with the number to get accepted a bit of boost but will absolutely not share that info with anyone because if that kind of talk gets back to Admissions, that would be the end of that benny.</p>
<p>Cirques, that you are asking these questions means you are on the right road. You care about your D, you are wondering about how your reactions are affecting her now, or might do in the future. If you can step back, I would say try to. It isn’t easy though if you have been involved heavily to date. If you can’t step back, I, when I start to ask myself questions about parenting, comfort myself by saying ‘whatever is done in love cannot harm’, and it helps me find some peace.</p>
<p>I wish you and your daughter the very best of luck, and I hope it all goes well.</p>
<p>All great advice from the group. I can completely relate to your situation as we are currently on the recruiting “roller coaster”. We all look at our children with a certain lense wonder why certain coaches dont want our child. In the end, it is primarly a numbers game. There are only so many slots/scholarships, etc. </p>
<p>I would highly suggest continuing to cast a wider net, be active with your updates to all potential programs and dont close any doors. Things will likely change frequently for the next few months. I would also suggest that you spend more time talking about your daughter 's future plans outside of her sport, that will help you both focus on the right schools and will also help take the pressure off of her sporting activities. I wish you nothing but the best.</p>
<p>Having just gone through this the last six moths…I will attest to how stressful it is!! One day they get the feeling a half dozen (or a dozen) coaches want them more than anyone and then without notice, a bunch of them totally disappear. Its disheartening at best. But even when that happened, we encouraged S to keep plugging if that was his dream to play at the college level (it was) so he kept casting a wider net and lo and behold he got two roster offers from two schools he was definitely very interested in (one being his top pick and a good match). He was told by coach in no uncertain terms that he was their #1 offensive recruit, he had “passed” the admissions pre read and got a thumbs up and he was very comfortable offering him the spot. This was the kind of conversation my son had been waiting to have. We kept hearing “we are very interested” or “you are one of our top picks” but this was at last, direct, precise and he (at least verbally) committed to me son which is as much as can happen at the D3 (NESCAClevel). </p>
<p>I look back and think we both sometimes saw things that weren’t there, we wanted so much to hear or understand he was at the top of the list for xyz school that even a benign statement was taken out of context to translate to maybe more than it really was. Don’t think we are alone However as I started to make a part time job out of researching this subject to death, I started wising up and passing knowledge down to my S. It toughened both of us up in the process. What started out as maybe 14 coaches, went to about 8 who were genuinely interested and then down to about 3 (that my son also actively pursued). Many of his friends are in the same "limbo stage’ as we were not long ago and I know its really nerve wrecking. At a point, you need to trust the system and that it will work out but to say cast a wide net cannot be overstated. Best advice we got. Best of luck.</p>
<p>In reading through your post it seems to me you don’t necessarily have a recruiting problem. I don’t know how to sugar coat this, so I won’t. This is more related to your relationship with your daughter and the expectations that she is currently feeling…it is overwhelming her in a very stressful time in a young person’s life (college application time) I feel bad because I don’t really see too many options at this point except to let her attend these events without you. You can still support her on the ride home or when she gets home, but I think your presence is having a negative effect on her performances and recruitability when she is playing. As for coaching, I think you can still manage to coach skills, tactics and strategy (away from the event) but let her be the one to execute it (at the event). JMO.</p>
<p>We all love our kids and will do anything for them. This may be one of the toughest things to do. Sorry, if I offended you but I just read your post and look at the facts. I’ve been through recruiting twice and I’m getting ready to do it again. I hope you can make it work. I’m very excited to hear your daughter has exceptional grades, and playing a sport in college is her dream. Good luck.</p>
<p>Cirques: Though the DD plays a team sport; softball; she is a pitcher. Much of any teams success/ failure is pitcher driven so I do feel your discomfort. </p>
<p>DD played in a very large recruiting tournament in June. Through the luck of the draw, coaches were there to see her pitch on both ends of the spectrum- really well & just plain awful. It’s just part of the process.</p>
<p>What did we do after the bad performance? DD was done so we actually could chat with the coaches present to thank them for coming and promise to stay in touch. We then went for ice cream, which soothes lots of pain.</p>
<p>We never discuss DD’s game/tournament performance unless she brings it up. This is the best adVice we ever received from any club coach !</p>
<p>A coach once told me he doesn’t get excited by wins or losses, and it is advice I take to heart. If my son has a great win/or a bad loss, my reaction is pretty the same, no reaction. He has to own it and he has to figure it out. </p>
<p>If you can tape her golf tournament and send it to her coach to analyze, I think her coach should give the advice.</p>
<p>Your relationship with her will go on beyond after college, grad school, marriage, grandkids… The goal should be the long term relationship, so you can be part of her life…</p>