proofread my UC essay

Applying to College
1

I remember five years ago when I was in Indonesia, a small country in Southeast Asia, a voice suddenly struck me. “We’re moving to America.” The loud voice of my dad flowed over my head. I found it hard to believe at first but soon I realized that I had no choice. Each day, I get more anxious especially when I heard that my mother and my siblings couldn’t come with me for a year due to visa problem. “Don’t worry…America is fun place to live; once you get used to it, you’ll never want to come home again.” My dad jokingly said to ease my tension as we were about to take-off from airport.

My first day of school in America was a new experience for me. I was unfamiliar with the school system, but all the teachers were very friendly to me and helped me. I had trouble making friends at first because of the language barrier prevented me from having casual conversation with other students in school. In addition, my distinct culture and tradition made it more difficult for me to get along. But later, I realized that my distinctness actually gave me a great opportunity. It allowed me to show and contribute something that others don’t have. “So, what is school like in Indonesia?” “How do say elephant in Indonesia?” Other students began to crowd and ask questions about my background. I can see their smiles, laughs, and their puzzled looks as seemingly bizarre and unusual words were coming out of my mouth while I told them the stories and pronunciations of some Indonesian words. As time goes on, I started to make more friends, get used to the school system and have more confidence in school.

One thing I learned from American’s school system was that academics alone won’t guarantee success. This is very different from I’ve been told in the past in Indonesia where as long as you do well in school, you’ll succeed. My parents have always encouraged me to get more active and involve. This involvement proved to be a challenge for me because of my communication skills, but my teachers helped me, and I slowly became more active in school.

In the next year, when everything seems to be improving and going well, another tragedy struck my family. I came home one day from school and see a worried and frightened face of my mother. “What’s wrong, mom?” I asked her. “I have bad news for you,” my mom replied in Indonesia in a soft tone, “your father just got in serious accident and he is now in hospital.”
I was shocked and my heart filled with disbelief. I knew that I couldn’t just sit around. We didn’t have any relatives in here and my mother knew little English, so I had to take charge as the head of the house. I helped my little brothers and sisters with their homework, answered telephone calls, and visited my father every week. Fortunately, my father was able to make a full recovery within a couple months. This experience made me stronger and I gained a lot of confidence. I became more familiar with everything in America and continued my active role in my community.

In 2003, we moved to California and the transition from a small private school to a big public school was a surprise for me, but my past experience in New York had prepared me and I saw this as a new opportunity to meet new people. I quickly made friends and I hope that I can share my unique experience to others in the future.

<hr>

I know that the ending is kinda weak, but I don’t know what to remove/change, I’m over the word limit.

2

<p>BTW, when we paste our essay on their website. are we supposed to leave a space after each paragraph or not? because you can't indent.</p>

3

<p>Indonesia is not a small country, and the fact that you feel you need to explain where it is seems as if you think the reader is dumb.</p>

4

<p>xranger, nice essay, watch your tenses and remember to use pronouns like "the"
Here are a few suggestions--I find it helpful to print and proof. Don't rely on your computer to proof. Word count is 597.</p>

<p>I would space between paragraphs, since you can't indent.
Good Luck!!!</p>

<p>I remember five years ago when I was in Indonesia, a voice suddenly struck me, “We’re moving to America.” The loud words from dad flowed over my head. At first I found it hard to believe, but soon I realized that I had no choice. Each day I became more anxious, particularly when I learned that my mother and my siblings could not come for a year due to visa problems. “Don’t worry, America is fun place to live and once you get used to it, you will never want to come home,” my dad jokingly said to ease my tension as we were about to take off from the airport.</p>

<p>My first day of school in America was a new experience for me. I was unfamiliar with the school system, but the teachers were very friendly and helped me. At first the language barrier made it difficult to make friends, because I could not have casual conversations with other students at school. Also, I was confronted with differences in culture and tradition. Later, I realized that my distinctness gave me a great opportunity to contribute to my new school in a way that other students could not. “So, what is school like in Indonesia?” “How do say elephant in Indonesian?” Other students began to crowd and ask questions about my background. I could see their smiles, laughs, and puzzled looks as seemingly bizarre and unusual words were coming out of my mouth. As time went on, I made more friends, become familiarized with the school system and my confidence in my skills as a student increased.</p>

<p>One thing I learned from the American school system is that academics alone won’t guarantee success. This is very different from I’ve been told in the past, because in Indonesian culture if you do well in school, you will succeed. My parents have always encouraged me to become more active and involved. Involvement in school activities proved a challenge for me because of my communication skills, but my teachers helped me, and I slowly became more active in school.</p>

<p>In the next year, when everything seemed to be improving and going well, another tragedy struck my family. I came home one day from school and saw the worried, frightened face of my mother. “What’s wrong, mom?” I asked. “I have bad news for you,” my mom softly replied in Indonesian, “your father has been in a serious accident and he is now in the hospital.”
I was shocked and my heart filled with disbelief. I knew that I could not just sit around. We didn’t have any relatives in America and my mother knew little English. As the head of the house, I had to take charge. I helped my little brothers and sisters with their homework, answered telephone calls, and visited my father every week. Fortunately, my father was able to make a full recovery within a couple months. This experience made me stronger and I gained a lot of confidence. I became more familiar with American culture and continued my active role in the community.</p>

<p>In 2003, we moved to California and the transition from a small private school to a large public school was a surprise for me, but my past experience in New York had prepared me and I saw this as a new opportunity to meet new people. I was able to use the skills that I gained after I moved to America and I quickly made friends. I look forward to going to college, where I can share my unique life experiences with others.</p>