Quality Time

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

One of the deals that we made before the whole process began was that we would make the most of our time together when we saw each other. Long weekends, holidays, breaks, and, of course, summers. Summers would be a big deal for us - except for the planned 2 week vacation, we would insist on having him stay home to make up for the rest of the year that he was away.

I figured that father-son/family time would be a little more meaningful during these times.

Specifically:
Parents/Family Weekend (4 days)
another Long Weekend in fall (3 days)
Thanksgiving (4 days), Fall Break (2 weeks)
Long weekend in Winter (3 days)
Winter break (2 weeks)
Random Ski Weekend (3 days)
Spring Break (2 weeks)
Random Spring Weekend (3 days)
Summer (12 weeks)

Roughly 20 weeks dispersed throughout the year of planned “quality time.”

Thus, I was upset to see the Op-Ed piece this morning in the NYT describing the “Myth of Quality Time” - It throws a wrench in my plans.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/06/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-the-myth-of-quality-time.html

But, after having probably the best summer we have ever had together these past 12 weeks (knowing that he would be going off to school), I contend that planned time with some structured activity has a place for continued family bonding.

Are there other parents who have had success with planned “quality time” with BS Kids? Or is the best approach simply time together?

Parents - What is the effect of planning an “unplugged” weekend without TV, computers, phones, etc? - I was thinking about doing this for a long weekend in a rented house on the Maine Coast. Please share best experiences about successful set up for quality time, but not camping. Wife and Kids won’t go for it.

Kids - What has worked best for connecting with parents in your experience? Just being back home in a normal routine, or planned outing?

2

Sorry to disappoint, heartburner, but ours is an example of a kid who left for BS and never really came home again. He found the independence exhilarating and was never quite “ours” again even under our roof. Sure, we connected off and on over his BS years for some great conversations and we did attend three out of four Parents Weekends and two College Info Weekends, but FormerChoatieKid really didn’t see the need for us to come to campus after the first year. His first summer home, he found an internship that kept him so busy, we hardly saw him before it was time to drop him off again. And he picked a college and career that pretty much ensure we are just guests in his life now.

So it all depends on the kid. I say don’t overthink this. Enjoy whatever time you spend with your son and don’t give a thought to the rest. The few times, early on, that we tried to structure time together, it ended up with kiddo being nice but really wanting to be elsewhere or working on something. You know your son and how your family connects. Just do what you’ve always done that you enjoy together, but go with the flow. Too much planning ruins spontaneity and it’s the spontaneous that results in quality.

3

Thanks @ChoatieMom – I’m pretty sure that there will be a few moments of “so when is your flight back.” I’m hoping that will be more towards the end of his schooling. I guess it is fitting - when I left, I never looked back. Never once spent a summer back home. But, I love my kids more than my parents loved me. I don’t think that they minded much.

4

I second ChoatieMom–play it by ear. Some boarding schools are intense experiences. At first, they often wanted to eat a home-cooked meal, catch up on sleep, meet friends and do laundry. If your son is thriving, he may want to visit new friends–or invite some friends home.

There are also school travel opportunities planned for breaks. Community service trips may take a week or so from the time allotted for vacation. Sports teams often use some of the spring break time for training in Florida. Music performance groups may travel within the country or tour internationally. There are also lots of camps and/or internships which take place in the summer.

So I wouldn’t be putting down a non-refundable deposit for two weeks in an expensive location, until you know what your son would like to do.

If you live in New York, you may find yourself visited by your son’s school friends, as they deal with travel home. (And it’s a good sign if they like your son enough to ask.) In our experience, August is the best time to plan a family get away. Check when your son’s expected back at school, though. The calendar for the next school year usually goes up around Christmas or so.

5

Gosh.
I think my parents loved me more than I do my kids, in terms of sacrifices and time they invested in their kids.
I still left to the other side of the world and never went back.
Well, I was older not 14.

6

I agree with @choatiemom & @periwinkle - also I’m not sure that your insistence that he stay home for breaks and the entire summer will be welcomed as he continues to become more independent. I miss my kids more than they miss me, but I am proud of the independent, adventurous & self-sufficient young adults they are becoming.

7

This summer( after her first year), had a rough start. She had spent the entire year away practicing an incredible amount of independence, so coming home to our routine was a big adjustment, for all of us. It took a while to find the right balance of quality time versus letting her just do her own thing. Unplugging her was a big nut to crack. Blech. Rental in Maine? Absolutely!!!

8

I don’t think the NYT piece is to the contrary of your thinking at all. It’s telling to me that the author describes these great bonding moments he had with family members who he doesn’t live with full time (his 80 year old father, his niece, nephew, etc). His piece may be titled “the myth of quality time,” but in fact that’s exactly what he was doing – a week with his extended family, instead of two days, flying with his father to the vacation instead of meeting there. I would contend that in fact you’re a lot more likely to get the kind of intimate moments he recounted when you have a somewhat limited amount of time with the person, rather than it being someone you see day in, day out.

At any rate, you’ll have plenty of time to re-connect with your son, even if it doesn’t work out that you spend every single one of the days you have listed above with him. I do think there’s something to be said for going away with your kids, to remove other distractions (wanting to see friends from home, or the girlfriend from school, etc). I don’t think it needs to be entirely unplugged in order to get the benefit of being away from distractions. We try to get away with the kids every year for a ski weekend and a longer trip in the summer. I particularly find that traveling in the summer helps us all connect – every year, we go somewhere that the kids haven’t been before, and they get involved in helping plan the trip – even if it’s just deciding between various options for what we’ll do the next day. While they might still be sending the occasional text to their friends, or tuning out to watch some video on their iPads, we’re still spending the majority of the day doing something fun and interesting together. And no sooner have we come home than the kids are talking about what they liked best and where they want to go next year.

9

@soxmom – Your post really helped me. Thank you so much. I think that my worrying about “quality time” were fed by the article. But you are absolutely right - the moments that are described were staged. It was just during random times when they occurred.

10

From the student perspective, that’s just not gonna happen. I’m not sure that it would happen even if the kid did not go to boarding school. Particularly with older (16+) teens, you can cross the 12 weeks of summer off right now. Between summer jobs and summer projects, there will be precious little time for mom and dad. Cherish the bits that you do get.

But while we’re at boarding school, please send homemade cookies. :slight_smile:

11

@skieurope – I run an academic department and have a lab so I am hoping that we can match any opportunity that may come his way. Maybe even get one of his friends involved. Conducting real research and presenting scientific findings at national meetings is a great experience for a high school student. Unless, of course, that student is more interested in Art History. In that case, I may need to ask a favor from a friend of a friend.

Anyway, that was the deal we made when he decided to apply to boarding school. Summers will be at home with us. This last summer worked out great for him on campus.

12

Frank Bruni is a Loomis alum. :slight_smile:

13

A few thoughts:

  • If you are US-based (and possibly even if you're not)...I find National Parks trips are good bets for "unplugging", mostly because wireless service is pretty bad in many areas of many parks. So you can't even use your iPhone to connect to social media even if you want to. I highly recommend Glacier and Yellowstone in Montana/Wyoming area.
  • Instead of the Maine Coast rental, I recommend begging, borrowing, or stealing a vintage car and going on a road trip with your BS kid. A long and possibly ill-advised one. I did over 1200 miles with only 7D1 as a navigator (no support truck/trailer) a few years ago and it was an amazing experience for the both of us. You don't know what parent/child bonding is until you are silently and non-so-silently praying to make it across Arizona in 116 degree heat in a vehicle without AC, which may or may not have a small coolant leak you have to stop ever so often to repair, MacGyver-style. Good times.
  • Alternately, I recommend that your child take up a semi-esoteric, moderately expensive sport that requires travel throughout the year to convention centers in second-tier cities across the country. The kid generally don't have to miss many days of class (which most private schools are more lenient about than public schools), and you get to bond in the crucible that is elite sports! Again, speaking from experience, these weekend trips are excellent opportunities to bond. As well as build up your reserve of FF/Hotel points.
  • I would caution against being too ambitious with any summer plan (at least with regard to duration...the epic car trip mentioned above was only 5 days long). This past summer we did a 2-week trip abroad that was mostly funded/dreamt up by my in-laws and the kids reflected afterwards that while they had a good time...2 weeks was perhaps too much time to be away. My wife and I happened to love the length of the trip (it takes me a few days to forget about work), and were truly surprised that the girls didn't share our enthusiasm. Again, just sharing my own family's experience.
  • With regard to "unplugging", I don't think this even requires a cabin on the Maine coast or even a vacation. Instead, simply demand that people (adults and kids) leave their phone elsewhere when doing whatever together as a family. You might get some eye-rolling initially, but in time it will come to be second nature.
  • Another suggestion is to institute "Family Game Night" in your household during the times when you are all together. We happen to like Yahtzee and Whoonu.
  • Finally (for now), consider using technology as a way to bond throughout the school year as opposed to it being an isolating factor during breaks. We have several different message groups going on FB in our family (various combinations of people) and it's been a great way to stay connected.
14

When my kids came home from BS they slept… and then slept some more. When they woke up… they would eat… everything in the house… before they’d go back to bed.

When I would ask them questions they would grunt or point.

Don’t plan anything for Thanksgiving Break. It’s the first real break and it’s too short for a kid to fully recover and form sentences. In many ways Thanksgiving Break is a BS Zombie Apocalypse… and the best thing you can do is fill the fridge and fluff their pillow.

15

^^This. FormerChoatieKid slept through every break he had right up to the day he went to college. He may be sleeping still.

16

Somehow, I think he’s been broken of that habit. :slight_smile:

17

hah hah! great posts! bravo

18

I believe in quantity time. Sigh.

19

Quantity time comes in many forms. I read the Bruni article, and I have a family that has also (alas until this summer) managed to juggle our schedules to get three generations together for a full week every summer, arguments and reconciliation and all. But…that’s extended family. And he’s talking about one week in the summer–that’s not really a lot of quantity when you get down to it.

When it comes to my own kids, my availability to them leads to quantity time. Okay, I don’t answer their messages when I’m actually teaching a class, but otherwise, they know I’ll always respond to them right away or close to right away when they want me. So quantity time in my book–with the help of new-fangled communication–is just being out there in the ether. It has not been my experience that you have to be physically present to be present. I think of quality time more as “We are going to be together, dang it, right now, whether you like it or not, with my full attention on you whether you want it or not” and when did that ever work for anyone? :slight_smile:

20

@classicalmama, There is a lot of truth in that. But I do believe that bonds are forged in “dailyness,” just being together during the routines of ordinary life. Now that we have those bonds with our children, perhaps those routines and everyday experiences don’t matter so much. We can only hope, right? And they are forging new bonds now.