Questbridge Essay

Paying for College Access Programs (Questbridge, Posse)
1

<p>I'm hesitant to submit my application :( can you guys please read over my essay one more time before I submit everything? Any grammatical errors? Thank you in advance. </p>

<p>Question: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.</p>

<p>Answer: The summer after my freshman year of high school continues to have a lasting impact on me and my life. That summer I had my first long term volunteering experience. I volunteered at Jewish Home Lifecare, a nursing home close to my neighborhood for the whole summer. When I first applied to become a volunteer, I was not enthusiastic of having direct contact with the patients because I felt that I would be overwhelmed. My mother, who works in a nursing home, encouraged me to be open minded about the whole experience. As a result, when filling out the application, I put office work as my first choice and working with patients as my second choice.
When I found out that I would be working in the nursing office, I felt relieved but at the same time I was wondering if I have just missed out on an amazing opportunity. Two weeks into the experience, the Volunteering Manager asked me if I wanted to help her out by spending a few hours doing arts and crafts with the patients. I agreed because I wanted to try something new and make the most out of my summer volunteering experience. I enjoyed being with the patients and continued to spend time on the floors throughout the summer. Spending this time with the patients helped me realize that I fancied being on the floors and helping out rather as well as being in the office doing paper work. I was able to learn from the patients while helping them do things they could not do themselves. Being on the floor with the patients
One patient who significantly impacted me was, Rosaura, a Mexican-American woman who was born in Mexico but mostly raised in America. Rosaura taught me that no matter what your circumstances are, you should always have faith and enjoy life to the best of your ability. Through Rosaura, I was able to see life through a different set of eyes. A wiser and more cultivated mind set. Rosaura was battling cancer for three years when I met her, however, the strength and happiness that shone in her eyes and her smile was enough to lift anyone’s spirit. Although she knew she was fighting a battle she could not win, Rosaura did not get discouraged by that she lived a happy life and did not spend time thinking of what “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” been. Although I stopped volunteering when school started up again, I continued to visit my new family specifically Rosaura, until she passed in November of 2012.
I began my volunteering experience hesitant on working with the patients however volunteering at Jewish Home Lifecare allowed me to build lifelong relationships and become a more open minded person. Because of this experience, I realized that in my life I always want to help others while also learning from them.</p>

2

<p>In the first paragraph there’s lots of things you can do to make it more concise. I’m fairly certain it’s against the rules to seek help on writing the essay so I won’t point out the exact examples. But here’s what I see:</p>

<p>I like cookies. Cookies have chocolate chips. I like chocolate chips, especially in cookies. </p>

<p>Do you catch what I’m saying? Look at your first few sentences. </p>

<p>Two commas should only separate a phrase if the sentence does not need it. Your mom might encourage you to be open minded because of a very important factor. That factor should not have commas around it. </p>

<p>The second paragraph is for the most part, grammatically correct. The problem is there’s no passion. “I went to the store. I bought dip. I went home. I ate the dip with chips.” There’s no grammar mistakes in there, but it’s not terribly interesting either. “Crossing the threshold between concrete and vinyl tiles, the smell of rising dough from the bakery mingled with the rhythm of the cashier registers-- Beep… beep… beep. I gravitated towards the familiar blend of artichoke and spinach that would eventually blanket crunchy, salty ships while the sailors cheered and drank.” </p>

<p>In your third paragraph you have the material, but you’ve squandered it with the language. “When my dad died, I cried at the funeral. He had taught me so much about what it means to be a person. Without him, I felt empty” VS “The Reverend lowered a heavy coffin that swung slightly like the pendulum of a dying clock. My eyes bore holes into the wood screaming for the contents to be freed. My childhood and adolescence cried for their home to come back.” </p>

<p>Writing is story telling. If the emotion and tremors of your voice show, even small things like missing a comma are unnoticeable. Focus on the presentation is my advice.</p>

3

<p>PxAlaska, I definitely understand what you’re talking about in the first paragraph because I also felt that way. Also, I was not aware that asking for help was against the rules.Thank you so much! Your response really helped.</p>

4

<p>Asking for help is fine! Don’t get me wrong, they’re not gonna reject you for posting here. But if someone were to correct your essay and rephrase things for you, that’s bad.</p>

5

<p>Let me know how your final copy goes!</p>