I have a quick question about my short answer for Questbridge.
Prompt - What do you admire most about your community? What would you improve? (200-word limit)
Short Answer -
Summer wishes us goodbye as autumn approaches. As the rigid yet friendly season draws near, high schools across my district prepare themselves for the ensuing weeks. Mini footballs and senior names line the hallways of mine as screams of glee disturb the classes. It’s Homecoming season.
Rumors about who’s going with who escape from whispers and dance through the halls, filling up my ears. I disregard them, knowing that I couldn’t entertain these rumors for financial reasons. Attending a homogenously wealthy school in a community of the same nature has always been tough. Brushing off questions about my financial status and ignoring the tactless statements that were made by those more prosperous than I had become a type of skill. It pains me to see how ignorant my community is, but I admire it because it has begun to better itself through conversations that ignite change. How do I know this? My friends and I prompted these dialogues.
In the last few months, there has been an increase in low-income students voicing their opinions about issues that they face within the community and in response the community has adapted itself in various ways a means of bringing about change.
First off, don’t post your essays here (in case people might steal/plagiarize it)!
Secondly, I’m going to be brutally honest - though of course, everything I tell you is my opinion.
- You do not address the second question - In reality, the question is better tackled by thinking, “What is most important to you in your community? Why?” AND “How do you see yourself changing it for the better and WHY?”
- I feel like the objective here is to see your passions outside of school and what get a glimpse (from the 200 word cap) what inspires you to take action and be a contributor to your community - which I feel will tell the reviewing committee how you will fit in College X's community and what you can contribute to.
- They also want to see your values, and I'm not really sure if you do this at all. You talk about the "increase in low-income students voicing their opinions", but you don't talk about YOU and why YOU do this.
- About half of your essay is introductory...just cut to the point - 200 words is not a lot and you should answer this is a precise, coherent, and straightforward message.
- In addition to the above comment, I'm assuming you're a rising Senior - don't get all flowery and wishy-washy. Cut the crap and dig into the meat: you, why you do what you do, what your values are, how you got those values, why they're important to you, and what you've done to express that and inspire others.
- Tone. This is really important. When you say "It pains me to see how ignorant my community is" it sounds objectively negative - saying "but I admire it because..." doesn't change the first impression (at least for me) to the people reviewing this essay. Try to express your virtuosity without putting other things down.
- Finally, and this may be a repeat: Just talk about you. You can include other things since the question asked about what you admire most in your community, but make it about you - not your wealthy neighborhood and not the "ignorant" community.
→ WHAT admires you? WHY does it admire you? HOW has it changed YOU? What did you do with this admiration?
Although my senior season is coming to an end, I really hope you don’t make the mistake I did in essays - no need for flowery words and vivid contextual elongations. Make your point loud and let it echo throughout the rest of your essay.