Rate my college essay??

<p>Also tell me what I can improve on and edit, in terms of grammar too. This is for this fall.
Question: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.</p>

<p>Surrounded by powdery chalkboards, deteriorating textbooks, specks of eraser shavings on desks, and a handful of students puzzled by math problems, my eyes gazed at a student sitting besides me, who was striving desperately for help. As I turned my head towards her paper, I caught a glimpse of her perplexed face and wondered which part of the problem she was struggling on. I slid my seat over, took a peek at her paper, and asked her if I could assist her in solving the math problem. She seemed to hesitate, but agreed. After only a few seconds of explanation, her face lit up and she gave an immense grin. The one feeling I love the most is when I sense someone having that 'light-bulb' moment, where they figure out how to complete a math problem and exclaim, "Oh, I get it now!". The best feeling in the world is knowing that you impacted someone's life by teaching them something new or aiding them in achieving a challenge.</p>

<p>I congratulated her on understanding how to solve the problem and assured her that math always gets easier with practice. Shortly afterwards, my teacher proceeded towards me as she overheard my teaching. Wise, educated, and filled with a kind heart, my wonderful teacher, Mrs. Archer, had informed me, "You would become a great math teacher one day! But trust me, you don't want to be one, it doesn't pay well".</p>

<p>Looking back and realizing I was only in sixth grade at the time of this occurrence, I believed that there was no way I would ever have an interest in becoming a math teacher and would rather have a career with good pay. Mrs. Archer related her opinion about how teaching might not pay well, and considering my parents were never wealthy, I always thought finding a career with a high earning income would suit me best in accomplishing everything I always dreamed of. Yet today, a paycheck doesn't stop me from pursuing my talent in mathematics and from doing what I love most. </p>

<p>Whether excelling at math is inheritable due to my prolonged, past string of family members being math teachers, or is a subject where practice makes perfect, math is part of my identity. My consistent practice in homework and eagerness to learn new math concepts has always been something important that I enjoy doing, as well as my passion in making a positive influence in someone's life by teaching them something new. Why waste such a mathematical talent by choosing a different career when you can help spread it by teaching it to others who are struggling to learn? Teaching is the foundation and in my opinion, the most important career in the world, because without it, all other jobs would be impossible.</p>

<p>It’s a good concept you have, but I see some basic punctuation problems within the written text. If you go back and read over it, you’ll notice you have A LOT of random commas in the middle of your sentences. </p>

<p>Example: "Wise, educated, and filled with a kind heart, my wonderful teacher, Mrs. Archer, had informed me, “You would become a great math teacher one day! But trust me, you don’t want to be one, it doesn’t pay well”.</p>

<p>The commas in this sentence make it sound awkward. You have a comma almost every word it seems like. The sentence seems to run on too.</p>

<p>How I would redo this sentence:</p>

<p>My wonderful teacher Mrs. Archer was well educated, wise and filled with a kind heart. She approached my desk and spoke in that caring tone I had become so accustomed to. “You would become a great math teacher one day! But trust me, you don’t want to be one, it doesn’t pay well.”</p>

<p>Overall I would reread your essay if I were you, and try to make your language flow better as well as make it easier for the reader to absorb. Like I said before, your concept is good but you would just need to touch it up a bit. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>It sounds pretty good, but you’ve posted it on the internet. Almost anyone now can copy it. I would be careful next time.</p>

<p>It sounds pretty good, but you should try to get to fifteen posts so that you can PM your essays, because now anyone can copy it. </p>

<p>You should try to elevate your writing a bit, like how StudentTransfer did. It’s good how it is now, but would stand out a lot more with rephrasing!</p>

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<p>katherne1995: As you posted your essay on the internet for anyone to read and copy, IT IS UNUSABLE. That’s right! Because anyone can now copy and paste your words into their essay . . . and if you happen to apply to the same colleges as a student that lifted a sentence from your essay, or too many words, or even your idea, then BOTH OF YOU WILL BE REJECTED, as an Admissions Officers will not know who copied from who. The take-away lesson here – for you and everyone else – always Private Message (PM) your essay to someone else, but NEVER POST YOUR ESSAY. My advice: no matter how great you think this essay is, no matter how many compliments you have received on it, throw it in the trash, as it’s now usable. Write another essay on different topic, and don’t make the same mistake again!</p>

<p>In addition: Your essay is not nearly specific enough. Another student could easily substitute the name of his or her favorite math teacher for Mrs. Archer and submit this essay as their own. In a well crafted personal essay, the details of a story should be so specific and personal, that the essay wouldn’t make sense if the names were just switched. </p>

<p>Most students have some quirky story that they are embarrassed to tell someone about themselves because it’s tooooooo personal – and that’s what students need to write about – something so specific that only you could write it. For clues on what to write your next essay about, please read: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/1526461-pitfalls-traps-new-common-application-essay.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/1526461-pitfalls-traps-new-common-application-essay.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;