<p>I agree with the above post. The time for this discussion was prior to the senior year in high school. I actually sat my son down before his junior year and reached a strategy. At this point, I would discuss your expectations and lay out what level of contribution you feel is fair, and have her make the choice on where to go and how much she wants to do.</p>
<p>Not possible. They are either self-motivated or they are not motivated at all, and some just follow the habits. </p>
<p>I thought I posted this earlier this morning…but the post isn’t here. </p>
<p>I also inquired about the Work Study thing very early in this thread. Work Study is a need based award. This OP says they have enough saved to fully fund college for three students. That wouldn’t likely make a student eligible for need based aid…which WS is. </p>
<p>I also asked about finding for discretionary spending. Who is paying for this student’s discretionary spending? If the parents do NOT, then the student will need to find a job…not work study…but a job.</p>
<p>I’m hoping the OP will come back to answer these questions.</p>
<p>It is easy for students to get a job at my kid’s campus, so I have a deal with my kids (one already graduated) that if they worked on campus then I would give them monthly allowance, otherwise no. It was my incentive for them to work while in school.</p>
<p>I agree with Oldfort. We didn’t give an allowance per se, but we did give money to our kids while in college…but we expected them to have jobs…that was part of the deal.</p>
<p>One motivation to get a job is that one needs the money for things they wish to buy.</p>
<p>OP, the maximum Stafford available is ~$27k over the course of four years. That is the maximum amount of debt we would allow our kids to take on (one borrowed less because he graduated in 11 quarters and had merit $$; one took an extra semester to graduate and is funding part of that from a Stafford). Both were involved in a couple of activities and worked. </p>
<p>If you (or your D) were talking about $20k per year in loans for college, we’d ALL be telling you that there’s no way that debt load is manageable or worth it for UG. Do you want her moving home and living with you after graduation while she repays the debt? </p>
<p>Have you discussed this plan with your spouse? If I were her, I’d be pretty upset with the unequal treatment. You may not like that FAFSA requires your income to be considered because your D lives with you and not her bio dad, but the time to have discussed schools you and your spouse were willing to pay for was about two years ago as she was coming up with a list.</p>
<p>From the original post:</p>
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<p>I think Steve’s intentions are good – he speaks of wanting to encourage his stepdaughter to challenge herself and take difficult classes, learn and grow. Those are all good things.</p>
<p>That said, Steve, as others here have pointed out ad nauseam, your plan is far more likely to make her take only easy classes and avoid any risks. Also, although it’s laudable for you to want her to get out and get involved in stuff, you can’t impose that as a requirement on her. She has to WANT to do it. I’ve seen a bunch of resumes from kids right out of college for our internship program, and I can always tell the difference between kids who were active because they were really interested in the cause in question, and kids who were just “joining” for fun. I don’t think requiring her to join activities is going to have the resume-boosting effect you desire.</p>
<p>Really, you can’t create that sense of having “skin in the game” by artificial means. You certainly can’t do it by imposing arbitrary requirements for GPA and telling her that she’ll start incurring debt at various thresholds. She’s not stupid; she knows this isn’t a case of your family not having the money to pay her tuition. She will know that this is nothing more than an attempt to use debt to control her behavior, and she will resent it because she will feel like you don’t trust her.</p>
<p>Here’s my suggestion: if what you really want here is for her to grow, to challenge herself and try new things, don’t threaten her with punishment in order to make it happen. I honestly don’t think anyone ever in the history of the world has become a more confident, successful, well-rounded person by being punished into it.</p>
<p>What you need to do is encourage her. Support her. Show her you believe in her. Maybe make some suggestions, but don’t try to micromanage her college life.</p>
<p>And most importantly – love her and accept her for who she is. If she is hesitant and lacks self-confidence, you can’t make her develop that by pushing her into the deep end and yelling “swim!” She has to find her own path. You can’t do it for her.</p>
<p>I’m not bothered by separate or different treatment for two different kids. I have two kids and sometimes they need different things, so they get different treatment. I’m paying more for one child’s school than the other’s. OP has no idea if he’s going to have to motivate the younger kids or if they’ll even go to college. One has to deal with the situation at hand, not guess what might be needed in the future. Should he be prepared to make these same requirements of his other kids? Sure if it works with this child (it won’t!), but things will be different when the next two are in college.</p>
<p>Being fair doesn’t mean being equal. Some kids need more discipline, some need a different type of school, some need a different motivation.</p>
<p>But twoinanddone…would,the OPs plan really work for any student? Expecting a 4.0 gpa? No.</p>
<p>I was starting to think that the OP posted and then left for good… so I checked and it looks like he did log in tonight so maybe he is reading the comments. 
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<p>OP has been scared away. Hopefully everyone’s points sunk in. It was a poorly thought out plan.</p>
<p>Oh no, I don’t think the plan is a good one for ANY student for motivation, but I was just saying that I don’t think two kids have to be treated equally , even in the same family. I have one daughter who could be disciplined with a look from the day she was born while the other one often had to be physically removed from the activity, sent to her room, time out, restrictions, etc. The ‘look’ child needs a lot more hands on ‘assistance’ from me to study while the other is totally self disciplined and motivated for school.</p>
<p>Some seem to be concerned that the older child is a ‘step’ while the others may not be. In many families, it doesn’t matter. My kids aren’t related by blood, but we never distinguish their relationship other than ‘sisters.’</p>
<p>Thanks for all your responses. In agreement that this would be an added burden and stressful all around. No need to take out unnecessary loans either. We set expectations for her to maintain at least a 2.5 GPA as most majors there seem to require a 2.5 - 3.0 GPA. Therefore, she’ll need to earn her right to stay there and that is probably enough of a motivator. I do think we need to manage her to a certain extent (without micromanaging) to keep her on track as larger state schools can make a kid feel lost and sometimes choose courses liberally. Several 4-year state public schools have 4-year graduation rates below 70% so we feel we need to make her stay on top of things so she takes the right courses and graduates on time. Also, students need to be proactive in reaching out to different resources (tutors, internships, academic coaching and advising, etc) to help them be successful. We’re trying to provide her the tools, guidance, and encouragement to be successful and hopefully she’ll find her passion. I still do think that things like fundraising activities and a relevant student org on campus (as well as internships) go a long way on resume when they don’t have the experience after they graduate. </p>
<p>Sure, but what you really want is for them to get some experience if possible. Stuff my kids have done: writing center tutor on campus, internship about 10 hours per week near campus (found with help of campus career office), summer internships (unpaid in a senator’s office one summer, paid to teach inner city kids a couple of summers), tutoring during school year, summer research position on campus, and youngest (sophomore now) spent the last week applying for internships with companies for next summer. Time spent on campus activities she doesn’t really care about is not time well spent.</p>
<p>Glad you came back. I hope you heard that for freshmen, often the priority is just settling in. My kids were heavily involved on campus and in internships- but not until junior year. </p>
<p>The only other concern, which hasn’t really been discussed, is the idea of a “fluff major.” In this day and age, often college is seen mainly as a path to a profession, so more practical majors are often encouraged by parents. However, over the lnog term, graduates who majored in humanities and arts do very well. Perhaps you could explain what you mean by “fluff” and what your concerns might be about her choices of classes. </p>
<p>I would venture to say that the main thing is to get the degree. If she chooses a path that you think is too easy (doubtful, few majors are truly easy) maybe that is a smart way to go. Chances are she will choose according to interest and her own strengths. Most subjects have rigorous requirements, especially in the upper level.</p>
<p>Finally, “managing” is a strong word. “Guidance when asked” can be a good substitute :)</p>
<p>Your intentions are entirely benign and loving. I hope you know that the apparently critical responses are also caring and benign. Some of us have had a few kids go through college, so we are just conveying what we have learned through experience.</p>
<p>OP, I’m not really clear-your didn’t mention that your step-daughter was not meeting the school’s standards for GPA. You seem concerned that she didn’t jump in headfirst to immediately join groups, contact all the resources her schools offers and get a 4.0, but not that she’s failing. As many have said, she JUST started college, let her find her place!</p>
<p>I don’t think you need to “manage” anything. While it’s a large school, she isn’t in ALL of the majors and programs-she will have a much smaller part of the college to navigate. I attended a huge state uni as well and my department made us aware of the many options we had for tutoring, counseling, job searching, scholarships, etc. The SCHOOL will provide her the tools. Forcing her to use them whether she needs them or not is not helpful. She sounds like a typical new college kid, nothing more, and I don’t get your concern other than that she’s not under your complete control any longer.</p>
<p>I’d also still like to know if this is your only step-daughter and the other two are bio children. I am hopeful that you will have the same rules/concerns for ALL of them, regardless. While each child is an individual and may need more or less oversight, encouragement, etc. treating step children bio children differently only because of that difference is a recipe for disaster. </p>