Read my REVISED 150-word Common App answer

Applying to College
1

<p>ok...so i took your guys' comments and rewrote my short answer...i'm still not sure if it's too cliche or even makes sense....your feedback would be appreciated! thanks!</p>

<p>again...i'm answering the Common App and other colleges' question of "my most meaningful activity and why?" the limit is 150 words.</p>

<p>here's my other draft/post if you're curious: <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=105524%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=105524&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<pre><code>3:30pm. I wave goodbye to my friends as I hurry out of my after-school club meetings to Kumon Math and Reading Center, my job for the past four years. The four days, 15 hours a week I work at Kumon have proven themselves to be the most meaningful to me because of the relationships I have developed with the children I tutor. As I taught Aya how to cross-reduce, her bright eyes as she showed her mom her new “magic trick” put everything into perspective. Although Aya was only one of many students I taught the “magic” of cross-reduction, her reaction gave me a sense of purpose in my job at Kumon. I realize that I am not only tutoring the children, but also trying to enrich their lives by persistently telling those stubborn kids who don’t want to do work, as Aya once was, that the easy way out in life is not always the best route.
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2

<p>"her bright eyes as she showed her mom her new “magic trick” put everything into perspective."</p>

<p>At first I was confused at this part. I had to re-read it to understand. Maybe you can rewrite this for clarity?</p>

<p>"Although Aya was only one of many students I taught the “magic” of cross-reduction"</p>

<p>Maybe here you can add a "to whom" in between the words students and I.</p>

<p>"as Aya once was,"</p>

<p>This is unnecessary and really can be taken out because it interrupts the flow.</p>

<p>THose are all like grammatical/style things that I noticed. Hope it helps?</p>

3

<p>bump...bump bump it up</p>

4

<p>i like it better than the first copy. the first copy was like cliche, almost saying what the college wants to hear...it didnt tell about you...which is the main goal in everything on your application. just clean it up with what acacia suggested, and i think youve got yourself an essay.</p>

5

<p>thanks for your feedback</p>

6

<p>the only problem i have with this is that is sounds sooo forced like you tried too hard to make it creative</p>

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<p>hmmm....i dont think it's a very creative essay per se...but i see where you're coming from tho</p>

8

<p>In a short-answer essay, your revised version read a little too "gimmicky"?
(as in "forced creative" mentioned above)</p>

<p>Your 1st version (straight-forward approach) but w/o being too cliche would still probably be better...</p>

9

<p>too much meaning put into too few words.</p>

10

<p>I don't like it much at all. You're trying too much: it looks like you read one of those Katherine Cohen books. It's formulaic and takes itself too seriously, plus it doesn't flow at all. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I say scrap the whole thing and write from the heart. You cheapen your experiences by not writing sincerely. Good luck.</p>