Read my UC Berkeley Letter of Appeal (2nd draft)

Applying to College
1

<p>*I tried to shorten it as much as I could, sadly it is still 738 words. Still I think it is a little bit better. As I said before I already know chances are slim. Tell me what you think, and continue with the honesty. </p>

<p>To whom it may concern:</p>

<p>I began writing this genuine letter to prove my worth for reevaluation, succeeding the event of being notified that I did not gain admission to the University of California at Berkeley. I am cognizant that this effort may not produce a favorable outcome; however I am hoping that my updated information and a crucial matter of circumstance that was excluded from my application will render me a stronger candidate. </p>

<p>I have acquired some new accomplishments in academics, athletics and other areas as well. I finished my first semester with A’s in: Honors English IV and Yearbook III. I completed my college level classes with A’s in all three classes which were: College Algebra, Honors Psychology, and Introduction to Sociology. My GPA increased to a 4.3 weighted/3.8 un-weighted. I began the spring semester of school adding the course of Leadership Development to my schedule which included AP Literature and Composition, AP U.S. History and Spanish II. I currently have A’s in all four classes. While playing football I received these rewards: first team all-conference for my performance at wide receiver and cornerback; second team all-area for my performance at cornerback; coach’s award for being an outstanding role model for the team; I was also recruited by Methodist University and North Carolina Wesleyan College as a Division III recruit. This winter, I led my basketball team at the point guard position and leading defensive player, before I suffered a broken hand causing me to miss the rest of the season and the first four games of baseball season. Other accolades I was recognized for are: being voted homecoming king, being voted as treasurer for the National Honor Society, being selected as a national finalist for the 2012-2013 Discus Award for being an all-around high school student, and I recently sang in my third consecutive talent show. My senior year has been an ultimate success, despite the adversity I have faced within my family, academic stress and sports injuries.</p>

<p>Moreover, the views that I hold on the world and social equality will be slower at coming to full fruition at any other institution. I have been accepted to the very reputable universities of: the University of California at Santa Cruz, the University of Chapel Hill, North Carolina State University and Methodist University; however the renowned reputation of UC Berkeley’s program in social science cannot be overlooked. Not only will my drive and persistence reinforce the program, but Berkeley will strengthen me the best, making me a better agent for social change. After researching, the Free Speech Movement, the history of protests and activism, I believe that the passion I possess for liberating others; for understanding others; and for serving others, will be a positive addition to the community at Berkeley. </p>

<p>My life has experienced a significant deal of change. My intentions are not to gain sympathy, but the matter that affects me the most is the ongoing issue with a dear uncle. Throughout the course of my high school career, my family has struggled with my uncle. The major event in September of 2012, when he was convicted for first degree murder, several counts of burglary and assault. In the chaos of the action, my aunt and my four female cousins were put in jeopardy. My uncle committed a vehicular murder, killing a state trooper before he was eventually neutralized. After this affair, our entire family received negative attention and this sent my house into immediate upheaval. At the fresh age of 17, I could not understand how my beloved uncle, a benevolent man with a kind spirit could be responsible for such monstrosities. The psychological effects on me were severe as I became depressed throughout this period, but I still balanced a hectic athletic schedule, a rigorous academic schedule, commitment to clubs, and self instructed SAT prep. This family affair continues to proceed, however my family is pressing ahead and I am staying resilient for my family, by producing academically and socially.</p>

<p>In summation, I understand and respect your decision to deny me admission; however I do hope that with the addition of new information, you will reconsider my application. Though my school is small scale, I am a competitive student as well as an accomplished athlete. Along with this personal letter of appeal, I had my AP Literature and Composition teacher, Mrs. Melanie Delph, attach a letter of recommendation. Thank you for your patience and roll on you bears!</p>

2

<p>The first and second paragraphs are good, but the fourth will most likely not add to your case. Not sure about the third.</p>

3

<p>^thank you</p>

4

<p>I think the fourth paragraph needs to go. Many people have more adverse events in their lives–the death or serious illness of parents or siblings, for example–and still manage to excel. I don’t think your uncle’s unfortunate circumstances are relevant to your application. In the next paragraph, I think the mention of acceptances from less selective schools adds nothing and may even suggest that a less selective school is exactly where you belong. But this is a big improvement from your first draft because you have emphasized your post-application accomplishments. Best of luck.</p>

5

<p>@MommaJ UNC Chapel Hill is just as selective and while UCSC isn’t as selective, it is a UC school; therefore it is a somewhat more selective school than others. NC State is also selective though it is not a top school. I realize that my Uncle’s situation isn’t the biggest adverse situation, but it affected me tremendously as well as my family. Though the paragraph might not help the appeal, it cannot hurt it either.</p>

6

<p>The letter still sounds like you’re trying to force a sophisticated voice. Obviously, it’s nobody’s place to tell you what voice to paint this personal crisis in, but the way you write it doesn’t feel genuine enough. Also, in your second paragraph, the grade-listing thing and saying “I got A’s in blah…” sounds kind of informal and is very wordy. Try something like, “I received A’s in all of my high school coursework, including several challenging college classes such as…”</p>

<p>I would switch the second and fourth paragraphs. The fourth paragraph is the new evidence and grounds for appeal. You need to put that up front and tell them that you endured emotional/psychological/etc. trauma during the time of applications and admissions. In spite of this, you achieved extremely commendable success your senior year. I also would only list colleges that are of Berkeley-prestige or higher. The main purpose would be to say something like “Hey, I was good enough for Princeton; what the heck happened, Berkeley?” The third paragraph sounds kind of ridiculous. Yes, you have a real passion, but even Berkeley knows that it’s not the only school that promotes these kinds of issues and thoughts. Saying that Berkeley is the only school that would indulge you in your interests is flat-out false. In fact, you might want to just scrap the whole third paragraph. It doesn’t add anything for me and is prone to sounding phony. And also the last sentence: if this is a contrite and serious letter, don’t end it like that. Also, “patience” isn’t the right word. Say “thank you for your considerations.”</p>

7

<p>Nope! You’re still a long way from being done. The first paragraph is a disaster.</p>

8

<p>Did you read the comments on the last thread you created? The language is still very obtuse and hard to read through :(.</p>

<p>"Moreover, the views that I hold on the world and social equality will be slower at coming to full fruition at any other institution. I have been accepted to the very reputable universities of: the University of California at Santa Cruz, the University of Chapel Hill, North Carolina State University and Methodist University "
^ wrong use of the colon</p>

<p>and just like i posted in the other thread, the uncle story reads very fishy to me</p>

9

<p>I still don’t get the whole uncle thing. “eventualy neurtrilized” what does that even mean?
“fresh age of 17”? “crucial matter of circumstance”?</p>

10

<p>Dude. Forget Berkeley. Clearly you have great numbers…and a great story. As I’ve told both of my daughters many times over. “go somewhere where you are WANTED”. It will be a match and you will exceed your own expectation. This b.s. about idolozing a school and begging to get in has to stop. It can start with you. Tell UC, that Berkeley and it’s impacted classes can stick it where the sun don’t shine and you are “taking your talents” elsewhere.</p>

11

<p>Sorry, but I’d have to say the opposite, that the fourth paragraph could actually hurt your case. Though your uncle’s situation may have affected you tremendously, the way it’s written now, it appears to be an added angle to gain a sympathy vote (which I would not go for at all). I’m not the expert, but I think that admission’s counselors don’t want to hear that that made you depressed - what does that say about your ability to handle tragedy?
If you do want to include it, rewrite it in a way that’s less verbose, more quick to the point, and in a way that emphasizes your strength. I’m appealing too this year, and had a similar-ish situation that I mentioned, however the way in which I mentioned it varied dramatically. Rather than trying to gain a sympathy vote, I proved that even following my mother’s death, I was able to keep up my 4.67 and continue to excel in all my other pursuits. Like I said before, I’m no expert, but I do think that sympathy is not the way to go. Remember, these people read through thousands of applications and thousands of sad situations that will make yours pale in comparison.
Good luck!</p>

12

<p>I’m not even sure where to start. Your grammar and sentence structure is horrible throughout. If I have to read a sentence 3 times to figure out what you might mean, then you have lost me- and most likely you have lost Cal Admissions. Your first paragraph is unnecessary- they already know that you are appealing, and they know that your chances are slim. I am not sure why you are reminding them of this. You need to start off simply telling them 1. this is why I am appealing my decision, 2. these are the things that change my situation, 2 summarize. Is English a second language? Your writing is very disjointed and hard to follow. You use words incorrectly, and it takes you 4-5 sentences to say something that should take one. I know the Haas school requires appeals to be submitted by 3/8, and a max. of 500 words. I can’t find information for any other programs at Cal, but you should call them to find out their requirements before you go any further. Your stats indicate you are a bright student, but your writing is not going to get you in on an appeal. You were accepted at some wonderful schools and probably should start looking at other options.</p>

13

<p>I agree with takeitallin. You misused commas and semicolons quite a few times. You should also use parallelism. “Other accolades I was recognized for are: being voted homecoming king, being voted as treasurer for the National Honor Society, being selected as a national finalist for the 2012-2013 Discus Award for being an all-around high school student, and I recently sang in my third consecutive talent show.” If you want to keep all this information together and linked by commas, the part about singing in the talent show has to be put in parallel.</p>

14

<p>Oh for goodness sakes, the differences between this draft and the previous one are so trivial as to be almost unnoticeable. Clearly, you like the way this is written. And, regardless of what any of us think, you are the one filing the appeal and you are the one who has to feel like you’ve given it your best shot. </p>

<p>If you edit the letter to conform to our suggestions, and then the appeal is denied, you’re always going to wonder if it was your fault for not saying things the way you wanted to. If this draft reflects what you want to say to the admissions committee, then send it!</p>

15

<p>Delete the colons, combine some sentences (a lot of sentences start with “I”), add more sentence variety, delete some commas while adding others (ask your English teacher!).</p>

16

<p>I agree that this letter is quite stilted and poorly written. Also, while the family situation might be unfortunate for you personally, the admissions committee is not going to be motivated to admit you as a result and should be edited. Don’t you have a teacher who is willing to help you with constructing a personal letter? Quite frankly this letter will not do much to help you.
You’ve been admitted to several fine schools. I would spend my time and energy learning about all that they have to offer and making my decision among them.
Berkeley may not even be going to take anyone off the waitlist this year, let alone re-evaluate someone who is rejected. If your goal is to attend Berkeley, select another school, work very hard for an outstanding GPA and apply as a transfer student next year.</p>