Reality check

College Majors Music Major
1

<p>This is not a music question per se, but it does involve a conservatory dorm. I feel that I need a reality check from other parents. So I'm posting here in this smaller, safer space, rather than take it out to all of CC.</p>

<p>My daughter came home for a visit a week ago and told me that her (male) RA has been giving a key to a locked, empty room in her all-female suite to a (male) friend of his on weekends since the beginning of the semester. The RA's friend is a student enrolled in the college who lives off-campus and apparently needs a place to crash. He is not a friend of the girls in the suite, and the room is supposed to be locked at all times-- it is not available for the girls themselves to use. The set-up of the suite it: 2 singles and 3 doubles (one double is the unused room.) There is a central living room and some apartment-style (not hallway) bathrooms, shared by the girls inside the suite. There are no co-ed suites in the dorms. </p>

<p>My daughter told me that the RA asked their permission the first time (technically, this permission was not theirs to give, since they don't even have a key to the room.) They reluctantly agreed and were told it would be just once. But this has happened regularly on weekends ever since. One suitemate told my daughter that she woke up in the middle of the night and heard multiple male voices.</p>

<p>Am I crazy to be so upset by this? It would be one thing if the RA were admitting girls to the suite-- then I would be mildly offended that they were getting free use of dorm space that we pay for. But I can't get over the idea of these girls being in such vulnerable situation. And isn't the RA the person you are supposed to go to if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in your living situation?</p>

<p>I reported the incident by email to the residential life staff a week ago. They returned my email saying they would take care of the situation. My daughter was called in for an interview. (The girls seemed reluctant to report it officially-- you can imagine why they would feel that way.) She was told they had investigated the room, found that it was in use, and were going to take care of the situation.</p>

<p>Although the rooms seems not to be in use any more, the RA is still in place, in charge of the floor and these girls. </p>

<p>I have a nagging sense of obligation to press this issue further. Could other parents, especially parents of daughters, give me a reality check? Should I just let the issue drop?</p>

2

<p>I am just a little confused. (so what else is new!)
Did the male occupants of the locked room have access to your D’s suite or just the locked room? If that was the case I would be more than a little concerned. But I would also be concerned that your D and her flatmates would be so reluctant to handle this themselves.
I wouldn’t consider the RA as being “in charge of these girls.” The girls need to own the situation and be a little more assertive when it comes to their safety and comfort.If that RA is a bad seed, they need to report it , because when they eventually live off campus, landlords are not all that responsive to calls from mom. (not that you didn’t do the right thing in calling this time) Just my .02.</p>

3

<p>My opinion? Let it go. Sounds like the situation has been taken care of. Your D and her roommates are adults. Let them handle their own issues. I don’t fault you for contacting Residential Life in the first place because the girls were hesitant to make waves. But now that it seems to settled, let it be. (BTW, my D is an RA and I would hope that she makes more responsible decisions, but I also choose not to “hear” all that goes on in the dorms.)</p>

4

<p>musica,
It is a locked room inside a suite of rooms sharing a central living room and apartment-style bathrooms. Anyone inside the suite can enter the bathrooms or the bedrooms. These interlopers were not the girls’ boyfriends.</p>

<p>megp- my daughter can’t wait to get out of the dorms and off campus. Being under 21- and in nyc, I will need to be the person on the lease, so I think her landlord would be responsive to me, but that’s a bit off topic. My kid is pretty good at fighting her own battles, but vetted the email I wrote because her younger roommates were intimidated about reporting this for fear of repercussions.</p>

<p>I’m not a confrontational person so I’ll probably drop it, but I’m very disillusioned with the school.</p>

5

<p>I think it probably is always best for our kids to handle these things, but sometimes they can’t, so we have to. I think you did the right thing in reporting it to Residential Life. But, if the problem has resolved itself, I think I would let it go. By pursuing it further, do you mean having the student removed as an RA? Moved to a different floor? It would probably make things uncomfortable for your daughter and make more of it than it is - a college student using poor judgment. If it happens again, though, I would absolutely pursue it further.</p>

<p>In saying this, I don’t mean to diminish that the conduct of the RA did potentially put the girls at risk and as a parent, I would have been very angry also, and I also would have complained. But, once the conduct stopped, I would let it go.</p>

6

<p>Mom of D here too…I am thinking this is a great time to have a sit down talk about safety in general with your D over the break. My D (junior) is in DC and even though the campus is very safe - she had an experience last winter walking home from her job with someone following her. I was so glad that we have had many “safety” talks because she did the right thing (walked up to a complete group of strangers and asked to join them). They graciously walked her all the way back to her dorm on campus. </p>

<p>Most of our kids have a gut feeling when something isn’t right but we have raised really polite kids in general and they sometimes need us to tell them it is OK to stand up for themselves if doesn’t seem right. I think your D and her suite mates had those feelings. Now they need to be empowered to take action. If these young women are feeling at all like the RA has issues (in any way), then they should be able to take control. It is an important life skill.</p>

<p>Just read your most recent post: Sounds like your D is good with taking control - could be a good lesson for the younger girls - but I get the fear of repercussion - common today but sad.</p>

7

<p>“anyone inside the suite can enter the bathrooms or the bedrooms”
'Nuff said, I would be LIVID and would have gone into full protection mode as you did.</p>

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<p>I think I would follow up with the Residential life staff and also speak with your daughter. What are her feelings about the RA and his ability to do his job; does she feel he will resent her/you “turning him in”?</p>

<p>I’m definately in your camp that this shouldn’t have happened, and I would have a hard time with some stranger spending the night in the girls’ suite.</p>

9

<p>If the RA wants to help out his friend, why doesn’t he just invite the friend to crash on his floor?</p>

<p>I’m sure your D and her suitemates are concerned about having to live/work with this person and don’t want the drama but I can’t believe the RA hasn’t lost his job or at least been severely reprimanded. He’s broken a ton of rules by my read of the situation.</p>

10

<p>In full agreement with you on this one, glassharmonica! Because the RA had signed his friend in “off the record” and stashed him in the girls’ suite, had anything happened- and thanfully, it did not- there would have been no concrete proof that the guy had ever been there. The RA should have known better and should be reprimanded or removed, especially since this was not a one-time occurrence. That being said, all of the girls in the suite should have banded together and filed a complaint, but I can also understand why they did not want to. While we would all like to think that it’s OK for our kids to be able to talk to RAs , RDs and administrators, the reality is that they often can’t for fear of retaliation or things being blown out of proportion and rumors spread. It’s a mystery to me how schools are selecting RAs lately as many are very far from the “best choice” and disobey rules and regulations with abandon.
Stradmom, you took the words right out of my mouth! Why wasn’t the guy crashing with the RA?</p>

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<p>why did the RA have a key to the room in the 1st place??? That’s even creepier! Where is the key now?</p>

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<p>I actually just got another (unsolicited) follow up email from the dorm staff assuring me that they have followed up on the matter. I don’t know they did and I’m not going to ask them, but I’m reassured that they are taking care of it. After observing so many institutional double-standards in various institutions over many years, it is reassuring to believe that they are following through.</p>

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<p>And, squiggles1118, you are right. It’s a good time to talk to my daughters (this been an ongoing conversation for many years) about safety. You make a good point about polite kids who suppress their own instincts in order to preserve decorum or not “make a fuss.” As a college student in the late 70’s and 80’s I saw a lot of young women experiencing insupportable situations but not speaking up in their own defense-- even to the point of enduring assault without any official complaint. This is a reminder that I (we all) need to encourage our daughters to speak up, even if doing so feels awkward or unpopular.</p>

14

<p>I can’t speak to GH’s situation directly, but when I was in college I had some tangential experience in the area you are talking about, in terms of choosing RA’s, and I know a little bit about how the program seems to work (and while I can’t speak to any given school, I suspect it hasn’t changed all that much).</p>

<p>In this case the people handling residence halls probably felt because the RA had asked the girls in the suite if it was okay, that the breach wasn’t that significant (I am not saying I agree, I don’t, among other things, I personally feel that an RA has enough power, specifically with retaliation, that consent as such is dubious…) and decided that a warning to cease and desist was enough. </p>

<p>I am glad they followed through, among other things, if the RA decided he wanted to retaliate, he now knows he is being watched and is on thin ice so to speak. At this point I would probably recommend letting it play out, I suspect it is pretty much a closed matter at this point.</p>

<p>I agree totally about teaching kids (not just daughters, sons too) not to accept situations they feel are bad or wrong. Even young adults still have much of what they are taught growing up, of automatic respect for those in power, fear, etc, and they need to learn how to handle things so they feel safe or comfortable. It can be scary, especially with an RA who seems to hold a lot of power, but they also need to realize not saying anything is often worse then saying it. Among other things, schools are well aware they don’t have the immunity they once did, that if something untoward happens in one of their facilities they can face legal consequences, and this applies to kids who report issues and face retaliatiion, they could find themselves in a PR mess. Given what has just happened at Penn State, where you know the school is going to face, not only a PR disaster, but massive lawsuits because people in authority didn’t act, schools are going to be mighty careful (I suspect the RA in question probably got the gruesome twosome, that if he stepped out of line again or retaliated he wouldn’t like the consequences). Schools no longer have the immunity they once did, claiming basically that students were adults, they couldn’t be responsible, because they will be held responsible</p>