So, we move our child into the dorm this weekend, same time as the roommate. They found each other on an online accepted students’ group. And apparently the roommate also found a love interest in the same group who lives in the same dorm. The happy couple have spent every minute of orientation activities gazing into each other’s eyes, massive PDA, and sometimes publicly bickering. Oh, yes, and they spend every night together in one of their dorm rooms.
Have you ever heard of something so crazy? I feel so badly for my child, who was expecting to be on somewhat friendly terms with the new roomie since they chose each other socially, and not to be immediately thrown into the position of advocating for their right to sleep comfortably in their dorm room.
I recommended they speak to the RA, but still… Sheesh. What an awful start to the roommate experience.
Does anyone else have crazy roommate stories to make us feel better?
It’s extremely common @Janwel. The best thing for your D is to find other friends and try to put up with it. She can transfer to another after a while if she’s super upset and can find someone to switch with.
And the boy (or girl) also has a room. They can go there also.
My S’s freshman roommate did the same thing. He put up with it. My D lived with a girl for 2 years that spent every second with her boyfriend. It’s very very common.
Your kid needs to speak up about having the BF stay over so often. It is hard when the roommate is in a relationship right away, even without having the issue of BF staying over. I am sure your kid feel a bit lost without a roommate to hang out with in the beginning, but hopefully she will find other people in her dorm to do things with soon.
Definitely have her talk with her RA. Did they sign a roommate contract? Those are pretty common these days? If so, did the contract address sleepovers?
It happens, but your child has an absolute right to sleep in her room without the third person. NO, I would not allow sex to be going on in the bed 3 feet away. Best to stop it now. Tell roommate sorry, this isn’t happening and if roommate wants to move, do so.
There are some on CC who think either roommate is allowed to use his/her part of the room however they want, but I don’t agree. You (parent and student) pay for half a room to sleep in and that’s it. Everything else, from eating in the room to spraying scents to entertaining others is a privilege that the roommates have to grant to each other, but it is not a right. Sure, life will be more pleasant if the roommates can agree to have a fridge and microwave and have others in to watch TV or talk, but those aren’t guaranteed. Bed, bathroom. That’s it.
Shall we take bets on how long this relationship will last? My guess is it won’t last long. Until then, your daughter needs to stand up for herself, and say no. Bring in the RA if needed.
She needs to talk to the RA if she has already tried negotiating with her roommate. In fact, this is a great lesson for your kid. Speak up or put up with it. We are tempted as parents to speak up for them, but they are the ones with consequences if they don’t.
Both my kids had problematic roommates freshman year. D1 screwed up her courage and talked to the roommate to get a change in behavior. It was something the roommmate would NOT have wanted the RA to know. Roommate changed most of the behaviors. She and D1 weren’t very friendly. D1 chose to seek a room change at the semester break (good time to get a change, as more students study abroad in spring).
D2 had a roommmate with some bad behaviors. She chose to not speak up, and the behaviors (of course) continued all year. I refused to listen to complaints-- told her it was a natural consequence of her unwillingness to confront the problem and/or engage an RA. She and roommate also weren’t friendly, but the lasted the year.
And… both my kids’ roommates dropped out of college. One key thing for your kid is to not let bad habits by roommates affect their own academic habits and standing. If she isn’t getting decent sleep, or is getting sexiled to the couch in the lounge half the nights of the week, you need to push her to speak up.
The roommate & BF might not last. If your kid refuses to speak up now, she might be willing while the relationship is in a breakup stage to negotiate future behavior. But the bottom line – if she is willing to be a doormat and not speak up for her own interest, then people will treat her like one.
My D had a somewhat similar situation, in that her roommate came from the college town and had a home town honey (one year younger so still in HS), and D had to fight for privacy in her own room. This isn’t the only reason, but I think it did play into her transferring from that college after freshman year.
Thank you so much for the points of view. This is an important experience that my child must handle, not me. I really appreciate all the different perspectives.
It could be worse. A friend of mine in college did not get along with his roommate. He was a small guy that that barely weighed 140 pounds, while his roommate was an easy 200 pounder. After a month, they got into a fight, and my friend ended up with a massive black eye and fractured skull. There were no open dorm rooms, so they had to live together for a few weeks until he could move.
Totally agree. She needs to put her foot down if she wants her concerns addressed.
^Im not sure your story logically leads to that conclusion! But RAs (or CAs over their heads) are supposed to help roommates negotiate this situation. Your D may want to try to negotiate some “alone time” in the room for the roommate (out at the library from after dinner til 9 a couple times a week or something), but put her foot down about overnight stays and sex in the room while she is there.
I would encourage her to speak to the RA. Yes this stuff goes on all the time… But for her to deal with this problem as a brand new freshman when she is still trying to make friends and adjust… is not fair and makes this transition harder. It’s her room as well and she has a right to be comfortable in it.
I don’t think anyone should ever have to negotiate alone time for their room mate for a boyfriend. If she wants to, that’s fine but it is her living space and she should never be forced to leave.
What happened to leaving a tie or sock on the doorknob so you knew the room was “occupied”? I can’t imagine a couple being comfortable having sex in a room with another person. Maybe it’s a thrill for them, but really the roommate should have waited a few weeks before forcing her new roommate to deal with her intimate life.
My son had a roommate in a suite-style situation who no one in the suite got along with. He was really rude and would take over the room, leaving my son to hang out in the common area and with the other suite mates. Fortunately he moved out after one semester.
Just don’t let the experience affect your daughter so that she is not able to focus on her classes. The last thing she needs is to do poorly her first year thanks to drama in her living situation.
When I was in college we knew a freshman girl who would get beaten up by her boyfriend, and it was a chaotic situation from day one. Drove her roommate crazy too. This was back in the 80’s before as much was known about DV (lots of shame attached to it).
