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<p>There is a large difference between a lifetime of enabling behavior and giving a kid a break in the summer. For example, if your parents had stopped writing checks 25 years ago, things would be quite different.</p>
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<p>There is a large difference between a lifetime of enabling behavior and giving a kid a break in the summer. For example, if your parents had stopped writing checks 25 years ago, things would be quite different.</p>
<p>^^ Very, very true. Such enabling – money plus making excuses for not having do all the work required of others because you are so smart/talented/special, also makes the recipients feel like they really could not succeeded on their own. It creates a strange mix of arrogance and insecurity. That’s why it is really important for the OP to not make excuses for her son’s behavior while he is only in high school. A break during the summer, of course. But, come fall, if he wants to go to college, he will have to write his essays and fill out boring applications. That’s how it works. If she gets push back from him, maybe something else is going on. Rather than get angry and frustrated, which can play into insecurity, maybe she needs clarify his expectations and hers.</p>
<p>stillnadine: Your sister sounds like she had ADD or oppositional personality disorder. Both these are hard to treat. I would actually feel sympathy for someone with either (or both) of those problems.</p>
<p>For most people, it feels good to succeed. When people can’t connect to that, there’s something wrong.</p>
<p>I’m sure it hurt watching this and watching the money being squandered, so I don’t fault you or your comment in the least.</p>
<p>As for the situation of the son of the OP – there is not that much difference between an A+ and an A-. I really do think that level of achievement should be at the discretion of the individual.</p>
<p>I do have a tenured teaching job at a college. I got my first promotion. I have not been able to get the next level of promotion because I simply could not do the busy work and committee work involved. I do all the boring stuff necessary to keep my job for 25 years, but I have had to accept that it’s not in me to run all over campus to collect “achievements” to put on a bogus vita.</p>
<p>In part health issues have kept me from it, too.</p>
<p>I have a really good reputation in my department of being wonderful with students, extremely knowledgeable in our discipline, good in front of groups, but terrible with the department tasks, like assessment blah blah blah.</p>
<p>If I need money I add classes to compensate for the money lost in not going after the promotions.</p>
<p>This really hasn’t been a “choice” so much as something dictated by by temperament. On the other hand, I have had the same job for 24 years, have excellent benefits and can keep the job as long as I like. Not an A+, but surely an A-.</p>
<p>Not doing the “busy” work also left me more precious time for parenting.</p>
<p>Please know that I do very much understand mental illness, choices, temperament, severe depression, ADD, all that you describe. And it’s interesting that now that my parents are older and just not able to prop her up, as they once did, she is handling things much better on her own. </p>
<p>My son is a solid B+ student who works as hard as necessary to get what he wants and is very happy with Bs. And, truthfully I was the same kind of student. Reaching “perfection” (whatever that is) has never a goal in our home. Self reliance is, though. I have been very happy for the last 5 years as an underpaid, overqualified employee because I enjoy the freedom of leaving my job everyday and not thinking about it for one moment until I return the next day. I always thought of this as a choice but the decision aligns with my temparment and with my lifestyle. You make very good points. Thank you.</p>
<p>I just have never learned to accept the position that BECAUSE someone is gifted, he/she doesn’t have to “lower themselves” to do the work that seems trivial. To choose not to and accept that consequenses is fine. To expect the promotion, the scholarship, the HYP acceptance just because you have “great potential” is not. </p>
<p>When I reread the OP original comments again, I detected worry as much as anger and frustration – worry that her child will not rise to the challenge of essays and applications. I just don’t want her to make excuses for him because that drains him of the power to take on an unpleasant challenge. </p>
<p>Even though you no longer feel the need to do all the stuff required to get promotions, at one time, in order to get to the position you are now in, you had to handle some busy work. You did what you had to do, even if it was against your nature. That requires a level of maturity and confidence.</p>
<p>stillnadine,</p>
<p>I don’t think we really disagree, and thanks for the clarification.</p>
<p>Some people are just not capable of stepping up, and I’m so sorry it’s your sister. And yes, I totally agree with you that the rationalization of being "too gifted"is ridiculous.</p>
<p>My H gets people to allow him to slide on a lot of things because it is universally agreed that the has “an artist’s temperament.” (He’s a photographer.) That means I get to be the adult, what fun for me. I am a poet and novelist, but I don’t get to have “the artist’s temperament” so I know exactly what mean.</p>
<p>I’m signing on with an update. (As I mentioned before, I am a CC poster who chose to remain anonymous for this post.)</p>
<p>I know this thread has taken some tangents, but I am surprised at all the words and feelings being attibuted to my two posts! StillNadine has said in two posts that I shouldn’t make excuses for my son. (I don’t think I’ve said anything in my two posts that could be remotely construed as making an excuse for him.) 07Dad implied that alchoholics are born of kids whose parents had expectations that were too high. </p>
<p>Howver, I’ve also received what I considerd to be spot on, helpful advice from BassDad, GeekMom, Marite and Blossom among others.</p>
<p>I realize that I didn’t provide much additional information in my post, but I really didn’t want to further identify myself. I realize now that perhaps the extra information may have helped.</p>
<p>Here it is:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>First of all the outcome. My son received an A minus in the class for the quarter, and a B in the class for the year. </p></li>
<li><p>The extra credit assignment was a creative writing assignment. My son does not like to write and his writing is just okay. (He got an 8 on the writing section of the ACT.) He particularly dislikes creative writing, which made the assignment that much more daunting.</p></li>
<li><p>My son pulled all of his grades up in the fourth quarter while captaining a spring sport varsity team. </p></li>
<li><p>This summer he is working 40 hours per week in a retail job. He doesn’t need to work that much, but he likes the money. So he is motivated by some things, just not grades I guess.</p></li>
<li><p>He has finished his common application essay. However, we did hire someone to meet with him to discuss topics, read his essay drafts and set deadlines for him, and make suggestions. We did this after he wrote an essay by himself that was, frankly, not very good…it’s just not his strong suit. We did not want to rewrite or edit it, and felt that getting out of the mix would be the best thing.</p></li>
<li><p>As a reminder, he GPA is around a B. It’s true that I am frustrated that it is not much higher given what he is capable of doing, but I also don’t forsee this kid failing out of a class or flunking out of college.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Hope that helps, and thanks for the advice.</p>