Redefining Success and Celebrating the Ordinary

Parents Forum
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<p>fendrock: It is a beautiful home on a beautiful site. I love the photos. For them it was downsizing and simplifying, I guess, but definitely a “comfortable” simple life. ;)</p>

<p>Another random airport read for me was Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happiness Project” One thing that struck me about it is that she’s perfectly frank that she has a pretty nice life and is basically pretty happy. She didn’t want to totally uproot her existence, just refine it around the edges where she was at. It made the whole project book genre much more palatable to me.</p>

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<p>fendrock: You and Kenison’s house make my point exactly. If our kids could attain that level of material comfort and success (she is a published writer) without feeling the pressure to be competitive, I’m sure we would all be thrilled and share her “laid-back” message.</p>

<p>My grandparents lived in Bennington, VT in a lovely three bedroom house. My grandfather managed a small Five and Ten (Woolworth’s type store) and my grandmother stayed home and baked pies. She was famous in the state for her baking.</p>

<p>My mom and aunt and grandfather came home everyday for a large midday meal with a sparse supper later in the day. Every other day they had a new pie or cake which would be finished on the in-between day. That life is gone.</p>

<p>My father worked in Manhattan, and my mother stayed home in a very upscale suburb. They had two cars, and we had a vacation every year. That life is gone for many.</p>

<p>My H and I live in a lovely town and have a substantial house but no MacMansion. We don’t live in the most upscale part of our town, but our entire town is quite nice and on the water. I have worked our entire married life except for brief time out when kids were tiny (on leave from my job) and a one year paid sabbatical. Both times I was out I worked locally part-time. We took some nice vacations but not every year. We did sent our children to private colleges with some FA when H’s business suffered severe reversals. I am not sure if this way of life will be available to my kids.</p>

<p>I will say that although I was much more driven than my grandmother or mother (who did eventually work but not at something she enjoyed), I am also the only one of us to seriously garden, swim, climb a mountain, camp, hike.</p>

<p>I write novels in my spare time and feel that if I can not being productive I am wasting away, but I enjoy accomplishment more than leisure and would rather climb a mountain that sit by a pool with tanning oil on. Just a personality trait.</p>

<p>We have to contrast this message with messages kids get in other countries – to study and drill. Only the top kids go to college in many countries, and most of our kids simply are not competitive with them in work ethic or skill set. Guess who’ll be hired?</p>

<p>It may to laudable to not lust after a Mercedes or a huge house or many houses, but it is also important to have the wherewithal to be able to get a car that drives and a home that warm in winter and free of vermin. Of course there is a happy medium, but I don’t think people are truly aware of how competitive things are becoming.</p>

<p>My D got her last two jobs because she attended an elite school. Both employers said so. One was a nanny position and the employer had attended the same school. The other is a hostess/waitress job, and the manager attending NYU/Tisch and was impressed with her Barnard credential.</p>

<p>Perhaps the East Coast is just that much more competitive, but had she attended a less impressive school (I am not saying a less worthwhile school) she wouldn’t have even these entry level jobs.</p>

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<p>

excellent observation… It makes me sad with some of the postings here about how stressed kids are(yes kids) and their parents just fuel the fire. Kids have their whole adult lives to …uh be adults…starting the rat race at age 15-16 is bad parenting…IMO</p>

<p>I’m glad my wife and I didn’t fall into this trap.</p>

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<p>mythmom, I think you’re absolutely right. American lifestyle opportunities have really been changing, and I’m afraid too many people just don’t get it.</p>

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<p>As Shawbridge said, some kids are invigorated by a fast pace, some stressed.</p>

<p>Pushing kids into a stressful lifestyle isn’t good parenting, but aiding kids in realizing their dreams is. I didn’t have a yard stick for appropriate activity levels, just the desires of my kids to work with.</p>

<p>Today my son did two jobs that are just summer jobs: taught a mythology class and is off to teach an intermediate music class at a summer academy. These both grew out of interests he pursued from the time he was four, and he pursued them with great vigor and much time spent. He did attend summer programs and practices all summer long. He seemed happy then, and he seems happy now.</p>

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<p>It is extremely important for kids to be challenged. If they are not, they improvise their own “challenges” and they might not be in a best interest of a child as well as not in a best interest of whole society. Those who are sufficiently challanged, thrive, those who are not presented with any, getting inro trouble in many numbers. When people are not pushed sometime to the extreme, they have no accomplishments, no great satisfaction of job well done at best ability.</p>

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<p>^Challenge is important, but so is exploration. Senior year, DS stepped back from his normal academic load (in order to take mandatory P.E. and health classes), and chose not to go for an Eagle in Scouts. Instead he tried 2 new sports, became involved on the Board of Ed, met new people and spent more time socializing (he’s an introvert). Released from the stress of the heaviest academic load, he became happier, more confident, and and it showed to everyone around him. I think if he had taken the hardest courses, he would have been too stressed to try new things, and I would be sending a different, more brittle person off to college.</p>

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<p>^Many have to do both, it depends what they are up to in college. Many cannot afford taking lighter load because of high selectivity of their UG programs. At the same time they cannot afford to lighten up in their regular sport and other EC’s, they are just way too far into it and school relies on their representation. Yes, they have to commit to 3hrs/day sport practices, then music practices and all A’s with the most rigorous schedule that their HS can offer. At the same time, they are exploring new things and having great fun at HS as they know that HS will be over soon. There are very many who are doing that and thriving. They would be very bored otherwise. They continue with great academic performance in UG, as they are very much used to manage their time, continue with their “regular” EC’s, somtime having minor(s) in their personal area of interest, they continue exploring new activities, gong on trips, including abroad and having great social life. These kids are lost when they are not challenged, sometime to their limits. We all have to recognize that.<br>
Society needs engineers and MDs who are at the same time are not social hermits, who have many other interests and relate to people easily.
I am not arguing about anything. We are dealing with different kids and there are no magic glove that fits every hand. Everybody is different, and those who have been taking very load year after year, challenging themselves to the limits, deserve to be recognized. Yes, they did it by their own choice, but there is no reason to tell them that their way was not the best way, that they should have taken easy. They would not accomplish their goal if they took it easy. We desparately need these people.</p>

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<p>Miami-
This is confusing, as you have been a strong proponent, in other threads, for students to chill at home in the summer months and spend their time going to the mall with their friends if they can’t or don’t choose to find a job or volunteer work. That doesn’t sound like they are being challenged- at least for 3 or so mos out of the year, which IMO is a lot.</p>

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<p>What we have tried to teach our children is to be fairly frugal. It is possible to live a very happy, fulfilling life without pay TV, without expensive phone plans, without frequent meals from restaurant, with clothes from thrift stores, and with a lower winter setting on the thermostat. We want the latest and best, but we don’t really need it.</p>

<p>If our children know how to be frugal, then they will feel more secure in following their dreams rather than just trying to land jobs that are high-paying. We need teachers, artists, and writers as much as we need bankers and engineers. I have one child who is very driven to succeed, but in a career that, while a perfect match for her, will probably not be well-paying. My enthusiastic advice? Do it, follow your passion, be happy – and be ready to do without a lot of the material things other people have. I think she is willing to live that life, and she appreciates not being pressured to do something else.</p>

<p>I’m not sure that that’s celebrating the ordinary, but that is, to me, a redefinition of success.</p>